Souls ready to cross over

On Monday I had the honor of being in the presence of two horses who crossed to the other side.

Cali

Cali was a pretty, grey, 21 year old mare who had cancer. This summer she contracted VS (Vesicular Stomatitis), a virus whose symptoms are painful and take weeks to heal. Cali’s system was already compromised by cancer and the VS never fully cleared. Her owners are friends of mine, a mother and her teenage daughter, and they fought hard for Cali, never giving up, always at the barn to feed her special food (VS leaves painful ulcers on the tongue) and give her extra love. But last week the cancer had spread further and left Cali tired, in pain, and ready to go. When I saw Cali, the feeling I got from her was peaceful about going but sadness for her girls.

The vet administered the first bit of sedation and Cali’s humans hugged her, kissed her, and said their goodbyes. The mother said, “Secretariat is just waiting for you Cali, he’s waiting for ‘the pretty grey filly’ to come home.” Sob...Mother and daughter wanted to remember Cali as she was so they left after the first sedation. After the second sedation Cali went down easily, a constant prayer for me since it can be traumatic.

I was sitting on the ground at Cali’s head as she crossed over. I noticed the crown of her head was hot. I felt other areas of her upper body, her neck, face, ears, shoulder, everything else was a normal temperature.

The second horse to go was Metro. His owners were too sad to see him go so they said goodbye the day before. Metro, like Cali, was a racehorse in his day. He was somewhere between 26 and 29 years old! He had a bowed tendon that, at his age, couldn’t be fixed. I grazed him while I waited for the vet to arrive. I have a friend who was at the barn earlier who said she and Metro had talked a bit before I got there. She was crying in his stall and telling him she was so sorry when Metro piped up with, “Why? I know my soul is eternal.” Sweet boy.

Metro too, went down easily, and while sitting on the ground with him I noticed that the crown of his head was hot too! What an interesting development. These are only the second and third horses I’ve been with while they crossed so I don’t yet know if this is normal but all I could think of was that their souls were leaving through their crown chakra. (A friend later told me that Buddhists believe this.) I’ve been with several dogs as they crossed but that wasn’t something I noticed. I’ll be sure to pay attention from now on.

Earlier this year I had the experience of Luke crossing, soon after a friend of a friend had a dog that she wanted me to talk to and do some Reiki with, to see if she was ready to go. The very next day another friend’s dog, Keegan, a cousin of my Onya, suddenly went down hill and I raced to Denver to be with them as he made the transition. I’m sad to see them go for sure, sad for those who are left behind and cry when it happens but somehow, when it all comes down to the end, all I can think of is that it’s a new beginning.

This spring I was asked by hospice to come do Reiki with a patient. I’ve never seen anyone in hospice before, it was eye opening. That night the patient crossed over. The next day the caseworker called to console me but honestly, I was so happy for the woman!

At the barn the vet asked, “How does it keep happening that you are here Julia?” I told her that I ask the owners if I can be there with them (especially if the owners can’t be). I want to do it. I’m thankful that I can and I feel honored to share those last moments with them.

If you ever need support during a loved ones crossing, give me a call, I’m happy to be there with you or in your place if you aren't able. xo

Horse photograpy with a new lens

Rented a 70-200mm 2.8 lens--a few shots from today :-)

Goose

Black Jack

Cheers

Lofty

Splash

Time-In vs Time-Out

In some adoption circles parents use Time-In instead of Time-Out. I remember hearing about time-ins way back that first year that Eva was home. I couldn’t find specifics about it or why it was better, although I find them online easily now! Honestly, even if I had found information it probably wouldn’t have made sense at the time—I was not in the place to hear it myself.

So, in our family we use a "time-in" instead of a “time-out”. Instead of sending the kid to their room we sit together--they hate it--but they are getting what they NEED not necessarily what they want.

It usually goes like this (I’m not going to pin this on either kid today, so I’ll use “the child” :-)):

Sitting next to each other, usually the child’s face is turned away from me in anger, sometimes their whole body.

I am silent unless the child is talking and or screaming.

If the child is screaming I say things like, "Wow, I see you are really mad!" or "Tell me more about it!" 

The child is not allowed to be verbally or physically abusive to anyone, including themselves.

Eventually the child thinks silence will work and we sit silently. I usually read silently during this time.

The child says they are ready to talk, sometimes apologizes.

The child and I have a calm conversation. (Because there is no point in having a conversation when the child is mad--no logical brain is present then!) 

The conversation is usually something along the lines of:

Me: You were really angry, where in your body could you feel it?

Child: My chest and my stomach.

Me: Can you tell me why you were so angry?

Child: I was angry because you said I could walk the dogs after school but then you didn’t let me!!!

Me: You took Onya outside right?

Child: Yes.

Me: Do you remember the rules about walking the dogs?

Child: Yes…

Me: What is the rule?

Child: I have to put her on a leash.

Me: Right! Do you remember why it’s so important?

Child: Because she doesn’t always come to me when I call her and she might get hit by a car or something.

Me: Exactly! So what happened this afternoon?

Child: I didn’t have Onya on a leash so I got in trouble.

Me: Do you remember what I said and how I said it?

Child: You just said I couldn’t walk the dogs today.

Me: Was I angry? Was I yelling? (This is useful with adopted kids who often can't tell the difference between facial expressions and tone of voice.)

Child: No, you were annoyed but you didn't yell or anything.

Me: And what did you do when I said that?

Child: I cried and screamed that you were being mean! (At this point the kid is almost always smiling and giggling a little about their reaction)

Me: What can you do differently next time?

Child: Use a leash.

Me: (Squishy hugs and kisses) Good job.

And that is that.

Sometimes the child will apologize and as we start talking he/she will start screaming all over again so we go back to square one.

I just follow the kid. Whatever they are ready for is what we do. 

I've been asked, more than once, "Well, doesn't that just teach them that being bad gets them attention?" If they need love and attention, they need it, period. Sometimes adopted kids can only "ask" for it in a negative way. They don't feel safe enough to say, "Can I have a hug?" Someday, after a lot of practice, they will feel safe enough to ask for what they need but today isn't that day--and that's okay.

Time-ins usually get shorter as you practice them. Then sometimes they last for 2 hours (but my kids are adopted and have issues beyond a typical bio child). It's a lesson in patience and following-their-lead for me.

The lesson for them is that people don't leave you just because you are mad/sad/screaming. Family stays near, even in the icky times. I don’t think kids, bio or adopted are capable of all that processing on their own, all by themselves, in a traditional "time-out". When kids are sent to a time-out they only feel isolated, bad, unloved, and in an adopted kids case, abandoned…again.

It’s our job as adoptive parents to work on our own icky, sticky background “stuff” so we can teach our children how to be more whole. It’s a constant, never-ending cycle: healing ourselves and helping our children heal. Once I started to figure out and heal some of my own issues, I could clearly see my kids going to a time-out and sitting up in their rooms stewing. They weren’t learning anything other than “when I’m mad Mom doesn’t want to be with me anymore.”

Now my kids are constantly learning:

Mad doesn’t equal bad.

Being angry is okay.

It’s possible to work through anger.

Anger and silence doesn’t make Mom run for the hills.

Mom can help me find my way out of anger.

Mom won’t leave me no matter what.

Just because I’m angry doesn’t mean I get to be abusive.

Even if I was really angry about something, it’s okay to laugh about it later.

I’m safe, even if I’m angry.

Every so often I will get this in a time-in: The child will look at me with furious eyes. I will look at the child calmly. He/she will close their eyes, take a deep breath, lower their shoulders, open their eyes and calmly say, “I’m sorry, I forgot the leash. I’ll put in on and then can I take Onya back out?” That’s when I look at this little kid and say, “Of course, thank you!” but on the inside I’m gawking. I couldn’t consistently say I was sorry until I was in my 30s! :-)

How Deep Is Your Love--update

Last night I was struggling. This morning I heard this song title in my head, so after the kids went off to school I looked up the lyrics. I read them and fell apart. I desperately needed this today.

I see this from Loreli's perspective:

"How Deep Is Your Love"

I know your eyes in the morning sun
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
And the moment that you wander far from me
I wanna feel you in my arms again

And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love and then softly leave
And it's me you need to show
How Deep Is Your Love

How deep is your love, How deep is your love
I really need to learn
'Cause we're living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

I believe in you
You know the door to my very soul
You're the light in my deepest darkest hour
You're my saviour when I fall
And you may not think
I care for you
When you know down inside
That I really do
And it's me you need to show
How Deep Is Your Love

How deep is your love, How deep is your love
I really need to learn
'Cause we're living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love and then softly leave
And it's me you need to show
How Deep Is Your Love

How deep is your love, How deep is your love
I really need to learn
'Cause we're living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me
-Bee Gees

How deep is your love?

Last night was tough. I didn't sleep well and had nightmares and weird dreams all night.

This morning the song title running through my head was, How Deep is Your Love?

Well isn't that fitting.

Tired

Tonight I'm done. I'm just so tired. Tired of always being "on." Tired of Loreli's emotional needs. Tired of being a coach 24/7. Tired of time-ins. Tired of the teeter-totter of silence and then screaming. I'm even tired of the happy, easy going kid because I know the hideous, nasty, abusive child is hiding inside.

Tonight in the middle of a time-in I decided it was better if I just gave up for the evening. I don't do that. I've learned that in order for the time-in to work, it needs to run it's full course. It usually starts with Loreli screaming, followed by silence (45 minutes tonight), followed by an apology, followed by open and honest communication. Occasionally the silence is punctuated by screaming fits. I got sick of that tonight, it's 9pm!, and told her we would continue this when she got home from school tomorrow.

So, I have that to look forward to.

Tired and in tears.

An awareness of triggers...

Earlier this week I took Loreli to the horses. As you can see we had a great time :-) Remi (the bay) and Rayn (our horse, the dappled grey) spent a lot of time playing and working with Loreli. And Loreli, for the first time ever, opened up, let the fear of closeness fade, and ALLOWED. I had my good camera with me, thank God, and was able to capture the moments that made my heart sing. If you've been following our progress both here and on my Facebook page The White Horse Whispers you know just how much this meant to me.

Loreli and I were both soaring high for the rest of the evening. A little blip went off on my radar screen at dinner when I watched Loreli get over-excited about something, pushing her way into getting in trouble. My Inner Voice said, "Hiro." If you remember, Hiro is Loreli's alter ego, the survivor child who believes with all her heart that bonding=abandonment.

What Loreli and I experienced at the farm was a whole boatload of bonding. Not just, "yay, we are getting along!" but bonding on several levels: Mom loves horses, Mom works with horses, Mom talks to horses and the horses talk to her, I love horses, the horses love me, I love being out here with Mom and the horses, maybe I love Mom. Whew. That's a lot of stuff going on internally.

So, when I saw Hiro looking at me out of the corner of her eye, I said to Loreli, "Boy, I sure did have fun at the farm with you today! Being with the horses just feels good doesn't it?"

"Remember how Hiro likes to create 'paybacks' for you? How she hates it when we feel close because closeness is so scary for her? How her experience is bonding equals abandonment? Maybe we need to keep an eye out for her for the next few days. If you feel her poking her head up, you let me know okay? Maybe she's starting to let go a little. You were able to be really open to the horses today and to me too so maybe she's starting to believe us a little, believe that having fun together and bonding, equals safety."

Part of me says, jeez, don't even put it out there, verbally, law of attraction and all that. The other part of me has lived with Loreli for 5 years. I see us working through the layers of trauma and coming out the other side but I think it's so important to have an awareness around the scary stuff.

Yesterday I talked with someone who asked me, "Do you think that Loreli will ever get better?" This woman and I share a background, we both had emotionally abusive husbands in our past. I told her it took me...maybe 8 years of being in a relationship with Brad before I consistently realized that certain things triggered fear in me. Fear from my past marriage. Once I began to recognize those triggers I made leaps and bounds in my healing. Brad isn't James. Brad has never been James. Brad will never be James.

In my experience, awareness of triggers is key.

For Loreli one of the triggers is closeness, particularly to me. I'm aware. I hope bringing that awareness is a good first step for her too.

Girls, anger, and the Dammit Doll

In the Equine Gestalt Coaching program I'm in we deal with anger...a lot. For those of us still students, we are working on finishing our "unfinished business"in order to stay centered when the time comes that we are certified coaches and helping our clients find their healing.

Unlike many girls, my daughter Loreli, doesn't hold her anger in, it is out and in your face! In some ways I feel proud of that (although it wasn't my doing) because as women we often aren't "allowed" to be angry. We are allowed to cry but as far as anger goes, well, it's our job to stuff it, not show it.

So, yay, for outwardly shown anger...kinda ;-) Sometimes though, that anger can turn inward--and last night for Loreli it was turning inward in an icky way. I could hear her muttering that she was stupid and that she ought to be able to get it. She was working on some math homework that required a lot of focus. The math problems weren't that hard, double digit addition, but they were in this weird format and for the final answer to be correct she had to get each successive problem exactly right. If there was even one little mistake everything else beyond that was wrong too. Ugh. Loreli is a smart cookie and can usually whip through her homework in no time but last night was tough. She worked on it before dinner and then after dinner as well and held herself together admirably. Little breakthroughs of, "This is STUPID!" would pop up and I would agree with her--then she would go back to work.

After dinner she and Brad tackled it together and she was really getting pretty worked up about it. She had invested at least an hour in this worksheet and still wasn't finished. I suddenly remembered my training and asked her to go get a stuffed animal. She came back carrying a skunk! I put the dogs outside, moved everything off our couch and showed her what to do: I took the skunk by the tail, beat it on the leather couch (which made a satisfying thwacking noise!) and screamed, "Dammit, dammit, dammit! This is the WORST homework ever! I hate it! Arrrrggggghhhhhh!!!!!" Then I handed her the skunk. She looked at me wide eyed, with a huge smile on her face and said, "Really?" I grinned, "Yep, go for it!" She gave the couch a few half-hearted whacks but when I told her she could say whatever she wanted, she gave it her all! "Stupid stupid STUPID! I hate this homework! DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!!!" I jumped up and down and yelled with her, "Go Loreli go!"

After some minutes of beating the stuffing out of the couch she calmed down and went back to that homework and hammered at it until it was done.

PROUD MOMMY! Both of myself for giving her that outlet and of Loreli for allowing it!

What happened when I asked the herd to come sleep near me...

Sleeping horses clockwise from left to right: Rayn, James, Cali, Midnight, and Goose.

A few weeks ago I was out in the pasture and I had seven horses grazing near me. When they moved, I stood up and moved too. I was sooo relaxed just hanging out in the sun with them nearby. Toward the end of my two hours I mentally asked them to come lay near me. One at at time they walked in front of me, did the wobbly leg thing that always makes me smile, and laid down. By the end, five of the seven were snoozing away in the sun :-)  Made my day!