Fake it 'til you make it

8/7/13

In the adoption world parents are often told if they don’t have that immediate bond with their kids to, “Just fake it ‘til you make it!” Well meaning parents will tell each other this little tidbit and, well, it’s advice from another parent, take it with a grain of salt. However, when your agency tells you or your Reactive Attachment Disorder therapist—that can be a different thing. You might, like I did, take it as gospel. I was grasping at straws, gasping for air at a time when I felt like the life was being sucked right out of me. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know where to turn. I read everything I could get my hands on trying to get a handle on our life. Most of what I found said, “Fake it ‘til you make it. Take control. Don’t let this little kid run or ruin your life. Time outs. Watch your kids like hawks, they like to hurt the other children. They are doing this behavior to control you. They are manipulative. They will turn the adults against each other. Many parents get divorced in the face of this situation. Get help (but we won’t tell you what that is). Fake it ‘til you make it…and you may never make it. This is your life now.”

Looking at this now, a year after I started my journey with horses…it brings tears to my eyes. When you read the above bits of “advice” do you see a common thread running through? I didn’t then but I do now.

Fear.

Fear that fed into my tendency toward fear. My fear of no control. Fear that my youngest would be hurt. Fear that my husband and I wouldn’t be able to withstand the storm that was our daughter. Fear that no one understood.  Fear that my daughter and I would never have the relationship I had hoped for. Fear that I wasn't good enough. Fear that I wasn't up to the task. Fear that it would never get better.

When you are in that grasping-at-straws-phase you’ll do anything, act any way, to make things better, to make things work.

Fake it ‘til you make it won’t work.

Can you tell when someone doesn’t like you, doesn’t approve of you? Of course. What makes us think that a child can’t feel that? Of course they can!

What can you do instead? Well I can tell you what I did. I started living a bit more honestly. I stopped saying, “I love you.” I started following my inner voice and it had LOTS to say! One of the first things I did: Instead of constantly watching my daughter to curb her flood of anger and nastiness I started watching her out of the corner of my eye, looking for a positive moment and every time she would do something nice, I would jump on it with a, “Wow Loreli! That was so nice of you!”

Seeing her try to elicit that response in me in the face of her trauma opened my eyes. I prayed, but differently. Instead of, “Please God, help me get through this day and show her love.” I asked, “Please God, let me see this child for who she really is. Let me see her spirit, her higher self, the sweet being that I know she is, let me see her before her trauma happened.”

And I did.

I had gotten in the habit of not looking her in the eye. Every time I did I could see what looked like anger, hate and defiance. It hurt me. It hurt my feelings. I’m human (I know, it shocked me too). My inner voice told me to look her in the eye. That was really hard for me but when I did? I saw a sparkle in Loreli’s eyes that I hadn’t seen before. A glint of humor. A shine of joy. I saw her spirit. 

I started saying and meaning, "I love you Loreli." 

Truly seeing her was eye opening. I was so blinded by fear before. Suddenly I could SEE her making eye contact. I could SEE her being kind to her brother and looking to me to see if that was right. Being kind to the dogs. Being kind to Brad. Being kind to ME. She wanted to do the right thing but she needed to be taught how. Spending time with the herd and listening to what they were teaching me, being open to new and mysterious ways is teaching me to teach her.

Maybe there are kids whose trauma is so severe that they just can’t be helped. I don’t know. I hope not.

What I do know: In my life the horses came in and broke the cycle of fear and misunderstanding and I believe they can do that with others as well.