Throw Back Thursday...Using pee as a weapon

I wrote this in 2010 after my first experience with Loreli peeing on the floor. She had been with us for just over a year and was 5.5 years old.

I look at it now and think about how Loreli’s behavior changed for the worse at the end of this school year and how easily I slipped back into, “Holy shit! I don’t know what to do! What if she never gets better? I’m scared! I’m worried for Daniel! I’m worried for the dogs! WHAT IF SHE NEVER GETS BETTER??”

What a bunch of yuck. I know I’m always learning and I come through the other side with new knowledge but God, going through the Tunnel of Hell is terrifying and there isn't a lot of clear thought in there.

But now I have TOOLS. Coaching tools, horse tools, Dr. Federici tools, Heather Forbes tools--they have all come together to form a new way. Now when I have a short jaunt through that damn Tunnel I hang up signs that remind me what those tools are.

From September 2011 to September 2012 I didn’t write. I was lost in the Tunnel of Hell. There were no answers. I used every avoidance behavior/coping mechanism I knew to unhook from my life. I don’t drink and I don’t do drugs but I do ignore. I couldn’t even look Loreli in the eye at that point. I was going through the motions of being a parent but I wasn’t present.

When I bought my mare Rayn in September 2012 I started to write again but not publicly. It took another full year before I started to blog again.

Sometimes I get asked, “How can you blog about this? It should be kept private!” To the first part I answer: There were over 7,000 adoptions in 2013 alone. The word adoption is synonymous with trauma. Children are not available for adoption because they have a happy home life but because something traumatic has happened. The trauma continues to pile on when they are taken to an orphanage and then again when they are taken from that orphanage to their new home with their adoptive parents. So there were 7,000+ new families in 2013 alone, who were living with a traumatized little person in their families. If you’ve never adopted I can tell you that the best word I can think of to describe this is:

ISOLATION.

No one understood what we were going through and some didn’t believe that it could be as bad as it was.

Because children with trauma act in such covert ways, we parents begin to doubt our own sanity. Parents of children who come from trauma need support and there isn’t a lot of that out there. We need to hear, “It’s not all in your head. This is really happening to you. You aren’t alone.” AND we need to know that we shouldn't be hiding, we aren't doing anything wrong, it's okay to be honest and say we are lost, that we need help.

When I started writing about my life I began receiving private emails saying, “Thank you so much. It helps to know I’m not alone.” And that’s the reason I do it. In my juliamacmonagle blog I just wrote about day to day stuff, when things would work and when they wouldn’t. Mostly when they wouldn’t. I didn’t have any answers. I read constantly, I tried this and that. Some would work for a bit but we would often end up back at square one. Now, I feel like I have a tiny clue and I'm learning more every day. This Family Intervention Program is all encompassing and we are ALL having to learn new ways of communicating and living as a family. This is a blend of General Julie, Heather Forbes, Dr. Federici, and the herd of horses I spend time with. This is a compilation of 5 years with Loreli, 7 years as a parent to my adopted babies, 16 years as a step-parent, and 44 years of learning. Something really special is happening.

In a year or so I’ll graduate my Equine Gestalt Coaching program and will be taking on clients. My niche will be families like mine—who have children who are suffering from a trauma background. When you are making a decision about who to see, who can help you, know that the horses and I are waiting for you and I am intimately familiar with your life. You are not alone. There is help.

My goals: to help Loreli and Daniel know that they have found a safe place to land, to BE that safe place for my kids, and to help, with the horses assistance, other parents to be that safe place for their kids. It’s not just all about these kids, it’s about the entire family coming together to make a new whole.

Throw Back Thursday post: I look at this now with new eyes. How would it have worked out if I knew then what I know now?

November 3, 2010 

I just kept tossing and turning--couldn't sleep with all this crap in my head.

3:30 Pick up from school. I say, "Let's go home, have a snack and a shower!" Trying to be upbeat. Sometimes works, sometimes doesn't.

3:30:30 Get in car. Daniel says, "Hi Loreli!" and Loreli (as she does every day) ignores him. My heart breaks a little (as it does every day) for my sweet boy.
3:30:35 Loreli demands (for the 100th day) to buy something at the table outside the school. I don't know who they are...PTA maybe? But they sell chips, Capri Sun, candy, etc. I give her the same answer I give every day since they started selling there, "No. We'll go home and have a snack." (a healthier snack)
3:30:45 Loreli wails
3:32 Loreli whines, "I don't want to take a shower. I'm not dirty."
3:32--3:33 Repeats above in a chant.
3:33:01 I tell her she can't speak again until we get home.
3:33:02 Daniel realizes the drama is over and starts telling me about things he sees the rest of the way home. We talk about all the different cars on the road.
3:36 We arrive home. I unbuckle Loreli while she stares dead eyed ahead. I ignore it and unbuckle Daniel.

3:37 Unlock the door. Loreli whines that she doesn't want to take a shower. I ask if she wants a snack first. She pulls out a mini pack of M&Ms her computer teacher handed out. I tell her she can have them after dinner. She can have a regular snack now (crackers, fruit, Fig Newmans).
3:38 Screaming crying fit because I wouldn't let her eat candy for snack.
3:39 I tell her to go upstairs and start the shower. She goes up the stairs so slowly I'm not sure she's moving. Every time I look up the stairs she stares back at me defiantly. I breathe.
3:40 I go upstairs to make sure she's getting her clothes off and the water is running. So far so good.
3:41 I go back downstairs and turn on a Sid the Science Kid for Daniel to watch (I've done this many times before) while I help Loreli. (She says she's washed everything but we've caught her in the lie so I stand there and say, "Wash your face, wash your arms, wash your belly, etc")
3:44 Back upstairs. Loreli's clothes are on the floor and she's just closing the curtain. She gives me a bizarre, defiant, hard look.  Split seconds here: I walk in the bathroom and notice there is water on the carpet (the sink area is carpeted and the toilet/bath area is hard surface) just as I step on the edge of the...puddle. Really?? WTH? Did she pour multiple dixie cups on the floor? And then the smell hits me. She peed. She peed a huge bladder full of pee right on the carpet. OMFG. It's about 18 inches by 10 inches and it is not damp, it is a puddle.
3:45 I'm sad to say, I lost it. I pulled her out of the shower. I yelled. I smacked her butt twice. I yelled some more.

3:46 Back into the shower. I stand there with steam coming out of my ears telling her to wash body parts. She looks calm and happy now. She calmly washes at the speed of a snail. I take the soap and wash her head to toe in 2.5 seconds. Dry her and get her lotion on. Put her in her room and shut the door. I can't freak out again. Mommy needs a time-out.

I know the calm, happy child after the fact is because a RAD kid is just doing the control thing and she wants you to flip out so her outside world can match her crazy inside world. That is so sad. I know this. And they push until they get it. It's ever so much fun to be the pushee in this little game. I get comments all the time about how calm I am in the face of the crazy. I FIGHT for that control, that calm. I HATE THESE GAMES. I'm so sick of it all. This pee episode is not the straw that broke the camel's back but that camel's back is definitely becoming a swayed.

I'm so wiped out. I thought things were getting a little better. She's been with us a year. The thought of YEARS of this is horrifying, mind-boggling. What if she never gets better?

I don't know. I've known up to this point but today I just don't know. I've never considered disruption before. It did pop into my mind this afternoon. That scares me. The idea that she may not get better scares me. The idea that I may be screwing her up worse scares me. The idea that I may be screwing Daniel up scares me. I'm sad for us all. I'm sad for Onya (our sweet dog), who at my raised eyebrow toward Loreli will run up the steps and hide under the bed.

I've stuffed a lot of fear and ramped up my own hypervigilance in order to keep Daniel and Onya safe. I feel like my head is on a swivel and my ears are constantly perked. I cannot relax when Loreli is in the house.

Yesterday we were outside playing with friends. Another friend came over with her tiny Shitzu puppy. She let her off leash to run. Loreli kept chasing her and trying to fall around (in reality, ON) her. Scared me. I told her multiple times to stop. I finally put her in time out. She was very angry. Onya is always off leash too and has learned to stay away from Loreli.

Last night the kids and I were going up to bed. Daniel was on the stairs, wallering around on the second stair--half crawling up the stairs just fooling around, I turned my back to throw something in the trash. Daniel started crying, Loreli kept barreling right on by him. Daniel was crying and holding his stomach and told me, "Loreli stepped on my belly!" She kept going up the stairs like she didn't care. Which she doesn't, because she has no conscience. I was horrified. I took her arm and walked her back down the stairs. I told her she can't step on her brother. I yelled. She cried. Sigh. I'm not perfect. I hate that I can't be. I took Daniel up and got him ready for bed and then had Loreli go up and she got ready for bed.

This morning we were all getting ready for the day/Loreli off to school. Daniel comes in rubbing his eye and looking on the verge of tears. My super sonic hearing hadn't heard anything weird. I asked him what was wrong. He says, "Loreli spit in my eye." WTH?? Loreli was in her room getting dressed. I told her when she finished getting dressed and making her bed she could come out and I closed the door. Much screaming from Loreli's room.

Ever since we got her home and even more since we've realized that she goes into Daniel's room at night, I've been freaked out about what she might do to Daniel. She's not a healthy kid. I've just realized that my reaction of, "Oh look, she's checking on him." is just hope. And that's stupid of me. So, I'm buying a door alarm. Maybe I'll be able to sleep better knowing if she leaves her room at night I'll always know it.

I don't think I ever blogged about that. We thought that Loreli was going into Daniel's room, turning on the light, and leaving the door open. Luckily he's always been asleep and stayed that way. This last time Mom was here she actually saw her get up, her eyes were open but she didn't appear awake, walk into Daniel's room, turn on the light, and leave the door open. Another time I heard her crying at the top of the stairs. I asked her what was wrong and she said she couldn't find Daniel. My heart thundering, I raced up the stairs. He was curled up at the very top of his bed. She just couldn't see him when she went in there. Because of this I tried to stuff my fear and pretend she's just looking in on him. Maybe she is. But he's been hurt enough by her I'm no longer going to trust that.

I'm also very sad that I'm not writing about Daniel and how much joy he brings to us every single day (even when he's being a bratty 3 year old! :-)) My life is consumed with the crazy swirling through Loreli. Thank God she's in full day kindergarten so I can focus on Daniel. Through the day he asks where Loreli is and I say, "Where do you think?" and he always says, school. At the end of the day he often says he doesn't want to pick her up though. Yeah. You and me both kid.

I'm going to try posting Daniel's fun and silly stuff for awhile. Stay tuned for some happy!

A really short one is that I trade preschool mornings with my friend down the street. She has Daniel Mon and Fri from 9-12 and I take Mason (who's also 3) Tue and Thur from 9-12. Today was our first day with Mason. We were in the car. I look back and there they are, singing songs and holding hands. That just gave me the biggest grin! :-)

Are YOU my mother?

Remember the book Are You My Mother? 

I was talking to a friend about the day Gladys was here doing Loreli's hair and I suddenly realized, as it was coming out of my mouth, that Loreli's behavior with Gladys was fear.

Fear that we would give her to Gladys.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. Why didn't I realize this sooner? GAH!

It's a song and dance, like a routine, that happens around adults. It's a "Hey, hey! Look at me! I hope I'm amazing enough for you to want to take me home! I'm so silly! I'm so crazy! I'm a little girl! I'm a young woman! If I could figure out what you wanted I'd be that so you'll love me enough to take me home! Watch me pose! Oooo and ahhh over how cute and precocious I am! Do you love me now? Will I belong to you? Or you? Or you? I don't care who, just please protect and save me! Someone...anyone...please..."

I am heartbroken. How did I not recognize it?

And even though she's been with us for almost 5 years she still does it, proving what came out during Gladys's visit really is true: Loreli truly believes that at any moment we might send her back to the orphanage in Ethiopia, or just give her away to another family. So she does her song and dance to every adult she meets, hoping that if THEY are the person we are going to give her to, well, just maybe she can be enough for them to love her.

Since we have started the Family Intervention Program (FIP) I have put a stop to those behaviors she shows when she is with us but now that we are out in the world a bit, or in the case of Gladys, the world comes to us--the behavior pops back up.

Now that I know what it is I can work on it with her. Don't know how yet but I know between the horses and my Inner Voice, some answers will come.

Brad has noticed twice now, at the coffee shop both times, that if she doesn't do the song and dance, she doesn't know WHAT to do. He says she reverts back to a very little girl who is shy and withdrawn. It sounds to me that it could be two things: she might be playing a game because she knows it's going to get attention or she might be filling in one of those important gaps that children of trauma have. Could she be just starting to learn that we are safe—just a tiny bit? Because of that feeling of safety could she be reverting back to a younger age and filling in that gap?

"What about the bubbly two-year- old who smiles and waves at every stranger, but who at age three turns into a clam? Mothers often worry about what they did to cause such a personality reversal. The answer usually is “nothing.” Before age two, many children are spontaneous. They act before they think, especially in social relations. Between two and four years of age, children go through a second phase of stranger anxiety, as they become afraid of people they don’t know."  

--Dr. Sears 

Loreli was left at the orphanage at age 3 and adopted at age 4.

Many people came in and out of the orphanage, taking children away. Back then when parents were getting ready to travel, waiting families would send a care package to their child via traveling parents. I have a couple hundred photos of traveling families posing with Loreli. Looking back I think, wow, that must have been so confusing to her. They would hug and kiss her, pose for a photo, maybe take a video and then leave with one of her friends. What she must have thought!

Having survived all that she did, why in the world would she ever believe that she is really staying with us forever? Of course she has to try to win over the next adult, in her mind, they might be her next short-term parents. I’m sure her mother told her she loved her, the orphanage workers probably told her the same but those people are no longer in her life so obviously saying, “I love you, you’ll always be with us.” means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to her. Why would it?

Can you imagine living with that uncertainty?

How will that be healed?

My job isn't to always know the "how,” it's just to believe it can happen.

Family is more important than "things"

Daniel's turn. Two "time-ins" today, how unusual.

School starts next Wednesday and today marks 4 weeks in to our Family Intervention Program. Brad and I talked about it and decided that we would ease the kids into being with other people again by sending them to a small local day camp. They know everyone there and have been going to their summer day camp for a couple of years now, 2-3 times a week. Of course the Family Intervention Program (FIP) put an end to that, because, as Dr. Federici says, "Family is the curative agent."

I decided on a 3 hour stint this afternoon so I could get some writing time in and they could get some peer time in. Daniel and Loreli took the dogs out and as I watched them come back home, I saw Daniel fall to the ground and burst into tears. I asked Loreli to help him inside and she held his hand as they came in--yay Loreli! I sat down on the floor with him and asked him what was going on and he said he had twisted his ankle and didn't want to go to camp. Hmmm. I asked why and he said it was too loud. I said, "Well that is definitely true! But today when you go you'll be arriving at quiet time. What comes after quiet time, do you know?" He said it was play-time then outside recess with popsicles.

I felt something was off--there was an element of truth to this whole thing but another part of me said something wasn't as it seemed. Then it occurred to me. "If you stay home you won't have iPad time. You only earn 30 minutes of TV a day, there isn't any more." He looked at me in shock, "I can't watch my iPad?" Ah ha! "You haven't watched your iPad in a month, we are on the FIP, what makes you think you can now?"

"But I hurt my ankle." (When they are actually sick and stay home from school, I let them have iPads.)

"There are no bones poking out, it's not bleeding, and it's not swollen. I think it will be just fine. I can put some essential oils on it to make it feel better if you'd like."

There was much back and forth, with him trying to negotiate. I realized that I was in a no-win negotiation with a 7 year old! No! Going by my gut, I finally told him that he was going. I talked to him about how I have to sometimes deal with loud noises too (I'm very sensitive to noise and too many people) but it helps me if I can get used to it little bits at a time. We also talked about how to make friends, which I think he might need help with. As a fellow introvert, I get this too. We have to practice these things! 

I'm still not sure if this all was a correct way to handle it. Maybe he just needs more time with us before he feels secure again? I followed his lead from the time he came home at 7 months to 5 years old when he decided he wanted to go to 5 day a week, full-time preschool, not be homeschooled. He tends to quietly soak life in and then head out into the world when he's ready. At 5 he was ready. Looking back at this all now, I think that maybe I should have just kept him with me that day. He will tell me when he's ready. 

Hindsight and all that jazz.

Anyway--he came through the whole thing just fine and was happy to go at the end. His ankle miraculously healed as soon as I put some essential oils on it and all was well. When I went to pick him up he was happily playing with some other boys and went out of his way to say goodbye to another boy. The teacher made a point of telling me that since it's the end of the summer the kids are wild and no longer listening but both of my kids helped to clean up when asked and did more than their share. YAY!

This evening before dinner Daniel had another meltdown. He was looking in a toy catalog and found a Matchbox racetrack that he wanted. Then he remembered he had a smaller set, somewhere from long ago. A big hunt followed but ended in tears when the set couldn't be found. Oh the sadness! "We have to go buy another one right now!"

I got into a small back and forth argument before I realized what needed to be done. A time-in is sitting closely with the kid, joining them in their trauma ("Gosh, you really seem upset about this! Tell me more about it."), waiting until they get it all out of their system, and then talking about the real issues when they are calm. I can do this easier with Loreli, I'm used to it and her stuff is somehow often easier for me because she is furious and verbal. Daniel is mad, pathetic, and sad and I just want to make it better. When I ask him though he only says he's mad, frustrated, and disappointed.

So, I joined him in the mad and he told me all about it. When I asked him to tell me more he would come up with new ways to say he was angry. For the first time ever he threatened to run away. Of course I didn't take that seriously but I did say that we don't threaten in this family. "Running away doesn't solve anything." Ah yes, such a lesson for me there! Hello avoidance behavior! I sure thought it solved things with my first husband when I left. But, haha, that relationship came back in the form of Loreli. Nope, running away doesn't solve anything. And threatening such a thing is just a plain no-no.

Eventually, as I was feeling my way through, my Inner Voice said to ask him about toys equaling love. His response was practically a yelled WELL YEAH! Duh Mom, kind of response. We've been working on this for the past month because Brad and I really fell down on the parenting job when Loreli came home. Luckily in the 18 months that we had just him with us I think we did a pretty good job but when Loreli came home...our lives came crashing down around us and we all suffered. I hate to say it but looking back on it I feel like I said, "Here's TV, an iPad, and a sister. Good luck." and then I retreated into depression, anger, isolation, and grief.

That may seem very matter of fact when you read it but let me tell you I sobbed my way through that realization a month ago. Every time I realized what I had done to him I would burst into tears.

And so, Daniel has learned that "things" equal love and now I get to work on reversing this thing I unwittingly taught him.

SUUUUUUCKS.

He moaned and growled his way through toys-equal-love for awhile and when he calmed a little I listened to my Inner Voice once more and said, "Is there anything else that you can think of that might make you feel loved? Do hugs and kisses make you feel loved? Snuggling or tickling?"

"NO!" and the rant about how he wanted the new car track continued with me going along with him saying, "Holy smokes, you are MAD!"

He calmed again and this time he wanted to show me the catalog and some of his favorite things in it. I said, "Oh, I wish I could, but boy you get so angry when you look at those things. I just don't know if that's a good idea."

"Well, if I get mad again, I'll just take a deep breath and calm down."

"If you tell me one thing, besides me buying you "things" that helps you feel loved, I'll look at one thing in the catalog."

He said, "Okay, well you were right, I feel loved when you hug and kiss me."

We looked at a toy in the catalog. When he started to go to a different page I asked him to tell me another thing that helps him feel loved. "When you tickle me."

"Like this!?" and the game was on. Armpits, under his chin, ribs, knees--I had him giggling and wriggling all over the floor.

When we were done he said, "I'm sorry Mom."

"Thank you. It's okay, sometimes that stuff has to come out."

After shower time Daniel asked that we read the posters out loud again. They are our family mantras, kid's goals, Crazy Town vs. Familyland, and the dos and don'ts of day-to-day life. The kids helped me create them and they are hanging in our hallway upstairs. We read them everyday. Daniel said, "Read the one that says 'Family is more important than things.'"

So we read through everything and then did them all again at their request. I got out a pen and paper and we came up with words for a new poster that we will make tomorrow, "Ways we feel loved."

I spent a lot of time feeling my way through those time-ins today but when he said, "Read that one that says 'Family is more important than things.'"--well, I knew we had arrived at a whole new level. This FIP is difficult but the rewards make it all worth it.

Aquarium with Daniel

Daniel and I had a date at the Denver Aquarium this week while Brad and Loreli had their own date. Loreli chose to stay home and bake lemon pound cake and dinner with Daddy :-)

Daniel and I had lunch at the aquarium and then went in to visit the exhibits. I found that he is still very sensitive to really loud sound. Next time I'll bring a pair of children's ear plugs with me, I think he'd be a lot happier. My Inner Voice says he's a HSP but it could also be a sensory issue. I'm going with my gut until something comes along to prove otherwise.

I was so happy to spend time with my boy! He was such fun to be with and turning into such a "boy"--at one point we wanted to get through a crowd of people, he grabbed my wrist and just wove his way through--me following in his wake. Where did he learn that? I don't think I've ever done that with him and Brad doesn't do that either. He just decided to take charge lol!

 

"Daniel, you won't be able to eat all of that but..." Daniel interrupted with, "But I can try!"

I wished I could do the same thing :-)

Before we started the FIP Daniel and I were worried about each other. I was worried that he was falling through the cracks because Loreli was sucking all the air out of the room with her behavior. Good or bad, it was all about her. Daniel was worried about me--he could see how unhappy I was and he hated seeing Loreli treat me badly. Once he told me, "Mom, you can always come in my room. I have an extra bed. You'll be safe in there with me." OMG. I'm so thankful that this Starting Over program fell into my lap. It was so needed. My baby boy needs to be able to be a kid and not think he has to protect me FROM A 9 YEAR OLD. Jeez. We all desperately needed to feel safe in our own home. Daniel needed to be SEEN again. Much trauma in the past 5 years since Loreli came home. So happy that we're finally finding our way through.

5 years of HAIR

What a huge issue hair can be for white parents and their black children. Ha! Girls really. My son has almost no interest in his hair except for when we get out the clippers and cut it—then he wants to know if he can watch the iPad. End of story.

But girls. GAWD. I can remember being a huge PIA for my Mom when she did my hair but then go and add a trauma background to being a girl and “It’s time to do your hair.” becomes, “I’m scared that this bonding time together is going to lead to feelings of trust and that can’t happen because when I trust someone they turn around and leave me. If you leave me I’ll die.”

Therefore: Hair=Death.

Another scenario can be, “It’s time to do your hair.” And the kid can think, “I’m being showered with attention and I don’t deserve it.” and they will unconsciously try to recreate the wild storm that is within them—and take you along for the ride.

That’s a whole lot of YIKES surrounding hair time isn’t it? But I'm learning! It's taken me 5 years to get to this point: understand the fear that surrounds special time with you as the parent and don't rush it. I wish I had understood this 5 years ago.

Loreli and I have had our share of YIKES in the nearly 5 years she’s been home. In the beginning it wasn’t too bad. She was used to having her hair combed and braided at the orphanage. 

When she came home we did all kinds of things, starting off with easy, pulling the front back and leaving everything else loose and curly to bantu knots, box braids, and twists.

Curly baby hair :-)

Pom-poms

Look how close in size they were! Daniel was 2.5 years old here and Loreli 4.5 years old.

Bantu knots

Box braids

Loose and darling

She started fussing a bit after the first few months. Then the fuss turned to crying which turned to screaming and crying. I finally decided that it wasn’t worth the fight and cut her hair short. And that’s the way it stayed for quite a while. There were bigger issues to deal with, hair was about last on the list.

OMG--how cute!

 

Then we started to grow it out and the screaming and crying returned but in a bigger girl’s body. She acted as if she were dying…see above. I remember three good times with her hair--dress rehearsal for a ballet show and then the actual show. The girls were supposed to wear their hair in a bun and she was excited that she could too. The third time was when we had a teenage girl from Ethiopia braid her hair.

She looks 15 here doesn't she? She was 7.

The screaming and crying turned to raging and crying so I talked to her about locs and she agreed. We went to a woman in Denver and she did fairly large two strand twists that apparently were going to turn into locs…ginormous locs. Who would want locs that big? I read and read while the twists got fuzzier by the day and when I was done I used a rug hook and locked her hair myself. Darling. She ran through our park yelling, “My hair swings now!” Yay! Success! Until I had to relock the new growth and we were back where we started. 

Locs

After a year of locs and the relocking process she decided that cutting off the locs and having hair short enough that she could do it herself was better. 

Pretty and sassy no matter what her hair is doing :-)  This was taken the day we cut her locs off. She said, "I look like myself again!"

This past year it’s been slowly growing out and she has been keeping it in a (mostly) presentable TWA (teeny weenie afro). In the beginning she would use headbands to keep it up off her forehead 

I tried my hand at face painting--what fun!

but by the middle of the school year it was getting so long that she would just plop a headband in the middle of the top of her head and that was that. I kept my mouth shut and focused on our relationship. When her hair became too unkempt, I talked of cutting it shorter so she could comb it and that had her working harder on it.

And that brings us to now. The Family Intervention Program gives me renewed hope (yet again) that I can help her with her hair. Our very first “time-in” was about her hair and how she treated me like the devil in disguise when I did it but everyone else who did her hair, she was fine with. It was time to deal with this. “You will not treat me with such disrespect when you treat everyone else like they are doing you a huge favor by doing your hair. Enough is enough.”

I started by having her hair trimmed by my hair lady. She was fine during that of course. Then doing the easy front pom-poms and leaving the back loose, like I used to in the beginning. It took no more than 15 minutes and she was able to control herself that long. Yay! My favorite was the first or second time pulling the front back she said to herself, “MUST stay calm Loreli!” She was really trying.

Then Gladys came and straightened it using a straightening comb. I had no idea that straightening combs would burn off the ends of her hair and leave them crispy and unable to curl. I’ll have to find a product that protects against high heat before we try that again. In the meantime Gladys can do twists and braids.

Wow. I had never seen her with straightened hair before!

First "straight hair" ponytail and bangs.

Yesterday: first BIG hair day for Loreli and me. I asked around, watched a bunch of youtube videos and learned how to “shingle” hair. It took me probably an hour of research, an hour to braid her hair the night before, after her shower to keep it tangle free, and an hour and a half to actually do it in the morning. It’s cute. Cuter than the always-slightly-matted-TWA she’s been wearing for a year now. I think it will be cuter when it gets a little longer.

Daniel understood what was happening, on my end anyway, and said, “Why does Loreli get to do this? It’s like a gift.”

Good Lord, my 7 year old son is learning about the gift of time. Something my 9 year old cannot figure out.

“Well Daniel, girls need to have more stuff done with their hair because it's so much longer. Now that we're doing this Family Intervention Program I can do this with Loreli’s hair when I couldn’t before. If you want I can do your hair too.”

“Okay!” and he plopped himself down in the chair next to Loreli. 

I sprayed his hair, put in a little bit of product, and worked it in. Then I told him how handsome he was, sniffed his hair, kissed his cheek, said he was yummy and he was done and off and running again.

How did Loreli do?

I saw an attitude come back today that I’ve not seen in a week. She started getting huffy with me toward the end of our shingling session. She didn’t have tangles because I had braided her hair the night before and I was only finger combing with a ton of product so she wasn’t in any pain. I spoke to her alter ego and said, “Hey Hiro, what’s going on?”

Silence.

“I’m wondering if Hiro is visiting us because this is a bonding time and that can be pretty scary.”

Silence and a grumpier face.

Sigh. I really had hoped that we could get through this without a fuss. Loreli was a grumpy, angry little girl for the next 10 minutes—no words—just moaning, groaning, sighing, slumping and sitting up over and over, working herself into what I knew was coming next—a rage. I was internally working myself up too. Suddenly I remembered the rules—boundaries! No disrespect!

“Loreli. You will stop all of this RIGHT NOW. I expect a good attitude and a happy look on your face!” Sadly, I didn’t say it in a calm voice. Boo. I have years of background to overcome too.

Loreli sat up straight and put on a strange smile. I continued to do her hair and looked at her out of the corner of my eye. She looked…self-satisfied. My little explosion was apparently just what she wanted. In typical traumatized child fashion she found a way to make her calm external world as turbulent as her interior world.

Ah well, at least it was short lived and not the raging that she used to do. Eventually the self-satisfied smile disappeared and she said softly, “Sorry Mommy.”

“Thank you Loreli.”

Off and on the rest of the day though she continued with a bit of strange attitude. She felt scared to me. There was no overt “bad” behavior, just little things like acting grumpy when asked to clean up her toys. Not eating much of her dinner, which is really rare. Nothing major really, just stuff I hadn’t seen in awhile. Thinking about it today I realize that I need to step back a bit. An hour of braiding the night before and an hour and a half in shingling was just too much for her to take at this point. It brought up too much fear for her. She handled me braiding her hair into two French braids the other day so that is probably the extent of it for right now. As she learns to trust us more then we can work into the styles that take longer.

Double French braids

Many successful hair times will slowly teach her that she’s safe and I’m not going to leave her. I need to remember clicker training dogs and horses. There is absolutely NO point in showing an animal what the end trick/result will be and expecting them to get it. I have to break it down into tiny, happy successes and that will lead to a larger success later on.

And yes, before you freak out and yell at me, I did just intentionally compare my child’s training to animal training. Dog, horse, human, we are all animals. :-)

Sweet trusting Midgie

This is Midgie Boo Boo our rescue Border Collie. She came to us a scaredy dog. She loved the kids but was unsure if them holding her face in their hands meant they loved her or they were going to hurt her. She nipped occasionally in the early days.

But now... :-)

We were all up on my bed together last night. Loreli put Brad's weighted blanket on top of Midgie. Midge thinks the weighted blanket is the BEST THING EVER--especially if there is a thunderstorm. Loreli thought it would be funny to loosely wrap a bandana around Midgie's eyes. Midgie never moved. I reached to get my phone and she stayed just like this while I took a photo. She's come so far in just 3 years.

I told Loreli, "Remember how Midgie came from a scary background just like you did? Well, someday you will trust us just like Midgie."

Loreli smiled.