Daniel's turn. Two
"time-ins" today, how unusual.
School starts next
Wednesday and today marks 4 weeks in to our Family Intervention Program. Brad
and I talked about it and decided that we would ease the kids into being with
other people again by sending them to a small local day camp. They know
everyone there and have been going to their summer day camp for a couple of
years now, 2-3 times a week. Of course the Family Intervention Program (FIP)
put an end to that, because, as Dr. Federici says, "Family is the curative
agent."
I decided on a 3
hour stint this afternoon so I could get some writing time in and they could
get some peer time in. Daniel and Loreli took the dogs out and as I watched
them come back home, I saw Daniel fall to the ground and burst into tears. I
asked Loreli to help him inside and she held his hand as they came in--yay Loreli!
I sat down on the floor with him and asked him what was going on and he said he
had twisted his ankle and didn't want to go to camp. Hmmm. I asked why and he
said it was too loud. I said, "Well that is definitely true! But today
when you go you'll be arriving at quiet time. What comes after quiet time, do
you know?" He said it was play-time then outside recess with popsicles.
I felt something was
off--there was an element of truth to this whole thing but another part of me
said something wasn't as it seemed. Then it occurred to me. "If you stay
home you won't have iPad time. You only earn 30 minutes of TV a day, there
isn't any more." He looked at me in shock, "I can't watch my
iPad?" Ah ha! "You haven't watched your iPad in a month, we are on
the FIP, what makes you think you can now?"
"But I hurt my
ankle." (When they are actually sick and stay home from school, I let them
have iPads.)
"There are no
bones poking out, it's not bleeding, and it's not swollen. I think it will be
just fine. I can put some essential oils on it to make it feel better if you'd
like."
There was much back
and forth, with him trying to negotiate. I realized that I was in a no-win
negotiation with a 7 year old! No! Going by my gut, I finally told him that he
was going. I talked to him about how I have to sometimes deal with loud noises
too (I'm very sensitive to noise and too many people) but it helps me if I can
get used to it little bits at a time. We also talked about how to make friends,
which I think he might need help with. As a fellow introvert, I get this too.
We have to practice these things!
I'm still not sure
if this all was a correct way to handle it. Maybe he just needs more time with
us before he feels secure again? I followed his lead from the time he came home
at 7 months to 5 years old when he decided he wanted to go to 5 day a week,
full-time preschool, not be homeschooled. He tends to quietly soak life in and
then head out into the world when he's ready. At 5 he was ready. Looking back
at this all now, I think that maybe I should have just kept him with me that
day. He will tell me when he's ready.
Hindsight and all
that jazz.
Anyway--he came
through the whole thing just fine and was happy to go at the end. His ankle
miraculously healed as soon as I put some essential oils on it and all was
well. When I went to pick him up he was happily playing with some other boys
and went out of his way to say goodbye to another boy. The teacher made a point
of telling me that since it's the end of the summer the kids are wild and no
longer listening but both of my kids helped to clean up when asked and did more
than their share. YAY!
This evening before
dinner Daniel had another meltdown. He was looking in a toy catalog and found a
Matchbox racetrack that he wanted. Then he remembered he had a smaller set,
somewhere from long ago. A big hunt followed but ended in tears when the set
couldn't be found. Oh the sadness! "We have to go buy another one right
now!"
I got into a small
back and forth argument before I realized what needed to be done. A time-in is
sitting closely with the kid, joining them in their trauma ("Gosh, you
really seem upset about this! Tell me more about it."), waiting until they
get it all out of their system, and then talking about the real issues when
they are calm. I can do this easier with Loreli, I'm used to it and her stuff
is somehow often easier for me because she is furious and verbal. Daniel is
mad, pathetic, and sad and I just want to make it better. When I ask him though
he only says he's mad, frustrated, and disappointed.
So, I joined him in
the mad and he told me all about it. When I asked him to tell me more he would
come up with new ways to say he was angry. For the first time ever he
threatened to run away. Of course I didn't take that seriously but I did say
that we don't threaten in this family. "Running away doesn't solve
anything." Ah yes, such a lesson for me there! Hello avoidance behavior! I
sure thought it solved things with my first husband when I left. But, haha,
that relationship came back in the form of Loreli. Nope, running away doesn't
solve anything. And threatening such a thing is just a plain no-no.
Eventually, as I was
feeling my way through, my Inner Voice said to ask him about toys equaling
love. His response was practically a yelled WELL YEAH! Duh Mom, kind of
response. We've been working on this for the past month because Brad and I
really fell down on the parenting job when Loreli came home. Luckily in the 18
months that we had just him with us I think we did a pretty good job but when Loreli
came home...our lives came crashing down around us and we all suffered. I hate
to say it but looking back on it I feel like I said, "Here's TV, an iPad,
and a sister. Good luck." and then I retreated into depression, anger,
isolation, and grief.
That may seem very
matter of fact when you read it but let me tell you I sobbed my way through
that realization a month ago. Every time I realized what I had done to him I
would burst into tears.
And so, Daniel has
learned that "things" equal love and now I get to work on reversing
this thing I unwittingly taught him.
SUUUUUUCKS.
He moaned and
growled his way through toys-equal-love for awhile and when he calmed a little
I listened to my Inner Voice once more and said, "Is there anything else
that you can think of that might make you feel loved? Do hugs and kisses make
you feel loved? Snuggling or tickling?"
"NO!" and
the rant about how he wanted the new car track continued with me going along
with him saying, "Holy smokes, you are MAD!"
He calmed again and
this time he wanted to show me the catalog and some of his favorite things in
it. I said, "Oh, I wish I could, but boy you get so angry when you look at
those things. I just don't know if that's a good idea."
"Well, if I get
mad again, I'll just take a deep breath and calm down."
"If you tell me
one thing, besides me buying you "things" that helps you feel loved,
I'll look at one thing in the catalog."
He said, "Okay,
well you were right, I feel loved when you hug and kiss me."
We looked at a toy
in the catalog. When he started to go to a different page I asked him to tell
me another thing that helps him feel loved. "When you tickle me."
"Like
this!?" and the game was on. Armpits, under his chin, ribs, knees--I had
him giggling and wriggling all over the floor.
When we were done he
said, "I'm sorry Mom."
"Thank you.
It's okay, sometimes that stuff has to come out."
After shower time Daniel
asked that we read the posters out loud again. They are our family mantras,
kid's goals, Crazy Town vs. Familyland, and the dos and don'ts of day-to-day
life. The kids helped me create them and they are hanging in our hallway
upstairs. We read them everyday. Daniel said, "Read the one that says
'Family is more important than things.'"
So we read through
everything and then did them all again at their request. I got out a pen and
paper and we came up with words for a new poster that we will make tomorrow,
"Ways we feel loved."
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