Why I write about the hard stuff...

I received a couple of comments recently, asking if I’ve thought about Loreli reading my blog and,  whether I should be writing it at all.

I’ve thought a lot about this topic. I even stopped blogging for a couple of years because it didn’t seem to be accomplishing anything. I felt as if all I could do was complain and document bizarre behaviors and my feelings surrounding them. There were no answers to be had.

I think we’ve come a long way in these past two years though. First with buying my mare Rayn and learning how the horses help. I’m also in the middle of a two-year coaching program where I'm learning to partner with horses to help others heal, and now we have the Family Intervention Program (FIP)—it feels like the puzzle pieces are finally clicking together. I feel that now, I write with a purpose. Yes, I’m still talking about behaviors but I’m also describing how we are working through them and how that looks and feels to us. Yes, I'm talking about the nitty gritty details but, God is in the details.

However, the question still remained within me—what will the kids think? Many nights over the past few weeks I've gone to bed thinking about this question. Recently in the middle of the night I woke up to this idea: What if Loreli were to write blog posts too?

The next evening, I talked to the kids about what I write about. They were both fascinated that I wrote about THEM. I asked if they would like me to read some of the posts to them and they said yes. Loreli, again, was fascinated and wanted to talk about it. Daniel was done after the first post about him, but he is a different kid. Much of his mulling over is done in his own head, to come out later with fully formed thoughts/opinions or questions, while Loreli’s is done verbally. It's that whole introvert/extrovert thing.

After Daniel went to sleep, Loreli and I continued our conversation. I asked her if she would be interested in writing her thoughts on my blog. She wanted to know more. What could she write about? How honest could she be? I told her she could write about anything that was true. I told her it was safe for her to write anything, even if it seemed scary or maybe hurtful to me, or the family—if it was honest, it was okay. I talked to her about rough drafts and final drafts and she remembered learning that in school. I told her sometimes I write things and decide not to post them for one reason or another and that was okay too.

I read Loreli a few of my recent blog posts about her and again she was really interested--we had some in-depth conversation about each one. I'm always flabbergasted when she speaks like an adult. I debated on reading Are YOU My Mother? to her and felt my way around it. I knew I wanted to talk to her about this anyway, so, I went ahead.

I held back tears when I read this part:

It's a song and dance, like a routine, that happens around adults. It's a "Hey, hey! Look at me! I hope I'm amazing enough for you to want to take me home! I'm so silly! I'm so crazy! I'm a little girl! I'm a young woman! If I could figure out what you wanted I'd be that so you'll love me enough to take me home! Watch me pose! Oooo and ahhh over how cute and precocious I am! Do you love me now? Will I belong to you? Or you? Or you? I don't care who, just please protect and save me! Someone...anyone...please..."

I am heartbroken. How did I not recognize it?

...and Loreli said, “It’s okay Mom, just take a deep breath.” 

When I got to the end she asked that I re-read this part:

Having survived all that she did, why in the world would she ever believe that she is really staying with us forever? Of course she has to try to win over the next adult, in her mind, they might be her next short-term parents. I’m sure her mother told her she loved her, the orphanage workers probably told her the same but those people are no longer in her life so obviously saying, “I love you, you’ll always be with us.” means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to her. Why would it?

She said, “That part. I really feel that part.” With tears in her eyes she fanned her face and said, “Deep breath Loreli.”

I hugged her and said, “It’s okay to cry, this is seriously big stuff. Crying is normal. We’ll just be big cry babies together okay?”

We had a few moments of crying and hugging before she pulled back. 

I said, “We WILL get through this. We will learn to trust each other and our relationship will be stronger. We just have to keep working on it, both of us.”

One of the things we talked about as far as blogging was the idea that there might be some parents who would be surprised to learn that their kids might feel the same way Loreli does. She was very taken with that idea. “Maybe it would help the moms understand their kids better?” I said I thought maybe so. I was very happy to see an empathetic response.

Holy smokes, all of those words to say, “No, I’m not worried Loreli will read the stuff I write and freak out.” 

I write for lots of reasons: to help me sort out my thoughts, to share my ah-ha moments, and because I want to give a voice to adoptive parents. As adoptive parents we often feel unheard, judged, and isolated. Isolated from friends who say, “Oh, that’s just what 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 year olds are like. It’s just a phase.” Isolated from our own parents who don’t understand why we can’t just parent the way they did, who say,  “Oh for heaven’s sake, you survived.” Isolated from our community who say, “What happened to their real parents? Why did their real parents throw them away? Are they real siblings? Bless you for rescuing them.”

Adoptive parents often don’t tell the truth because most people don’t understand. We live with our feet in two different worlds--Parent World and Adoptive Parent World--it's a tough straddle.

I’m lucky. I have family and close friends who understand. My community is adoption friendly. I have an entire herd of twelve horses that I work with, who understand and help me on a daily basis. I can tell the truth more often than not. But so many of my fellow adopters can’t. They have to hide the pain and grief. They soldier on. Without a voice.

I write so the adoption community knows that there are people out there who understand what they are going through and I write so the non-adoption community might understand, a little better, what their friends, family, and coworkers who have adopted might be going through.

And yes, I write because I have to tell the truth. And yes, that truth can be hard to read. And yes, I understand that there are some out there who feel I tell too much of the truth. To them I want to say, “I hear you and understand your concern. I disagree, but I hear you.”

*******So, stay tuned for future posts from my 9 year old daughter. I moderate all comments before posting them so please don’t worry about Loreli receiving negative comments.

Here are some of my favorite quotes about truth telling:

“Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.”
― Barbara De Angelis

“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.”
― Spencer Johnson

“In a room where
people unanimously maintain
a conspiracy of silence,
one word of truth
sounds like a pistol shot.”
― Czesław Miłosz

“Silence becomes cowardice when occasion demands speaking out the whole truth and acting accordingly.”
― Mahatma Gandhi

I received a couple of comments recently, asking if I’ve thought about Loreli reading my blog and,  whether I should be writing it at all.

I’ve thought a lot about this topic. I even stopped blogging for a couple of years because it didn’t seem to be accomplishing anything. I felt as if all I could do was complain and document bizarre behaviors and my feelings surrounding them. There were no answers to be had.

I think we’ve come a long way in these past two years though. First with buying my mare Rayn and learning how the horses help. I’m also in the middle of a two-year coaching program where I'm learning to partner with horses to help others heal, and now we have the Family Intervention Program (FIP)—it feels like the puzzle pieces are finally clicking together. I feel that now, I write with a purpose. Yes, I’m still talking about behaviors but I’m also describing how we are working through them and how that looks and feels to us. Yes, I'm talking about the nitty gritty details but, God is in the details.

However, the question still remained within me—what will the kids think? Many nights over the past few weeks I've gone to bed thinking about this question. Recently in the middle of the night I woke up to this idea: What if Loreli were to write blog posts too?

The next evening, I talked to the kids about what I write about. They were both fascinated that I wrote about THEM. I asked if they would like me to read some of the posts to them and they said yes. Loreli, again, was fascinated and wanted to talk about it. Daniel was done after the first post about him, but he is a different kid. Much of his mulling over is done in his own head, to come out later with fully formed thoughts/opinions or questions, while Loreli’s is done verbally. It's that whole introvert/extrovert thing.

After Daniel went to sleep, Loreli and I continued our conversation. I asked her if she would be interested in writing her thoughts on my blog. She wanted to know more. What could she write about? How honest could she be? I told her she could write about anything that was true. I told her it was safe for her to write anything, even if it seemed scary or maybe hurtful to me, or the family—if it was honest, it was okay. I talked to her about rough drafts and final drafts and she remembered learning that in school. I told her sometimes I write things and decide not to post them for one reason or another and that was okay too.

I read Loreli a few of my recent blog posts about her and again she was really interested--we had some in-depth conversation about each one. I'm always flabbergasted when she speaks like an adult. I debated on reading Are YOU My Mother? to her and felt my way around it. I knew I wanted to talk to her about this anyway, so, I went ahead.

I held back tears when I read this part:

It's a song and dance, like a routine, that happens around adults. It's a "Hey, hey! Look at me! I hope I'm amazing enough for you to want to take me home! I'm so silly! I'm so crazy! I'm a little girl! I'm a young woman! If I could figure out what you wanted I'd be that so you'll love me enough to take me home! Watch me pose! Oooo and ahhh over how cute and precocious I am! Do you love me now? Will I belong to you? Or you? Or you? I don't care who, just please protect and save me! Someone...anyone...please..."

I am heartbroken. How did I not recognize it?

...and Loreli said, “It’s okay Mom, just take a deep breath.” 

When I got to the end she asked that I re-read this part:

Having survived all that she did, why in the world would she ever believe that she is really staying with us forever? Of course she has to try to win over the next adult, in her mind, they might be her next short-term parents. I’m sure her mother told her she loved her, the orphanage workers probably told her the same but those people are no longer in her life so obviously saying, “I love you, you’ll always be with us.” means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to her. Why would it?

She said, “That part. I really feel that part.” With tears in her eyes she fanned her face and said, “Deep breath Loreli.”

I hugged her and said, “It’s okay to cry, this is seriously big stuff. Crying is normal. We’ll just be big cry babies together okay?”

We had a few moments of crying and hugging before she pulled back. 

I said, “We WILL get through this. We will learn to trust each other and our relationship will be stronger. We just have to keep working on it, both of us.”

One of the things we talked about as far as blogging was the idea that there might be some parents who would be surprised to learn that their kids might feel the same way Loreli does. She was very taken with that idea. “Maybe it would help the moms understand their kids better?” I said I thought maybe so. I was very happy to see an empathetic response.

Holy smokes, all of those words to say, “No, I’m not worried Loreli will read the stuff I write and freak out.” 

I write for lots of reasons: to help me sort out my thoughts, to share my ah-ha moments, and because I want to give a voice to adoptive parents. As adoptive parents we often feel unheard, judged, and isolated. Isolated from friends who say, “Oh, that’s just what 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 year olds are like. It’s just a phase.” Isolated from our own parents who don’t understand why we can’t just parent the way they did, who say,  “Oh for heaven’s sake, you survived.” Isolated from our community who say, “What happened to their real parents? Why did their real parents throw them away? Are they real siblings? Bless you for rescuing them.”

Adoptive parents often don’t tell the truth because most people don’t understand. We live with our feet in two different worlds--Parent World and Adoptive Parent World--it's a tough straddle.

I’m lucky. I have family and close friends who understand. My community is adoption friendly. I have an entire herd of twelve horses that I work with, who understand and help me on a daily basis. I can tell the truth more often than not. But so many of my fellow adopters can’t. They have to hide the pain and grief. They soldier on. Without a voice.

I write so the adoption community knows that there are people out there who understand what they are going through and I write so the non-adoption community might understand, a little better, what their friends, family, and coworkers who have adopted might be going through.

And yes, I write because I have to tell the truth. And yes, that truth can be hard to read. And yes, I understand that there are some out there who feel I tell too much of the truth. To them I want to say, “I hear you and understand your concern. I disagree, but I hear you.”

*******So, stay tuned for future posts from my 9 year old daughter. I moderate all comments before posting them so please don’t worry about Loreli receiving negative comments.

Here are some of my favorite quotes about truth telling:

“Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.”
― Barbara De Angelis

“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.”
― Spencer Johnson

“In a room where
people unanimously maintain
a conspiracy of silence,
one word of truth
sounds like a pistol shot.”
― Czesław Miłosz

“Silence becomes cowardice when occasion demands speaking out the whole truth and acting accordingly.”
― Mahatma Gandhi