Do you apologize to your children?

Do you apologize to your kids when you do something wrong? Do you expect them to apologize to you or others when they do something wrong? Where will they learn the skill of a true apology if you are unable to model it for them?

I don't know about you guys, but I make mistakes all the time. As a matter of fact, I make more mistakes as a parent then I ever have in any of my other jobs put together. My kids, being young and new to the world, make just as many mistakes as I do and I expect them to apologize. How else do they learn that mistakes and apologies aren't the end of the world? That they won't perish if they make a mistake and apologize? Mistakes are a normal part of everyday life and apologies should be too.

 

If you grew up like me, this is new territory for you. Parents never apologize! It's not in our non-existent handbook. Never. Don't do it. You'll be seen as weak if you do and God forbid your children see you as human. A few years ago I decided that I was willing to put my this-is-the-way-it's-always-been-done handbook aside and try something else because what I was doing wasn't working.

Here's how to apologize in 3 (not so) easy steps:

1. Say what you are sorry for, "I'm sorry that I lost my patience and yelled at you.” Be prepared to talk about it with your child. Be prepared to hear and/or see some anger on their part. Have hope that each authentic apology will lessen their reaction and eventually they will be able to more easily accept your apology. For now, remember that this is new to them. Know that each time you apologize you are teaching them a skill that will serve them well for the rest of their lives.

2. Benjamin Franklin said, “Never ruin an apology with an excuse.”  

Refuse to fall into the trap of "I'm sorry, but..." Adding "but, however, I just need to tell you, I just need to remind you" to the end of an apology negates the apology. If you feel you need to, craft your apology in your head the first few times to get in the habit of making it actually mean something. 

 

If you need to have a conversation about the behavior that created this situation (because let's face it, kids can do unsafe things that really do need to be addressed), wait until you have apologized and are both calm. This may take some time, maybe 15 minutes, an hour, or a day. They aren't going to accept the apology OR hear the words if you talk about it now. Just apologize and leave it alone.

Kind of an addendum to #2: "I’m sorry but when you pushed your sister, you just made me so mad..." No one can make you feel anything. Your reactions and responses are your own, learn to take responsibility for them. If you find that this is a common theme in your life, "You made me feel angry. You made me feel frustrated.”, then it's time to examine that feeling yourself or find someone who can help you find the answer, "Why am I so frustrated with my kids?" Just finding out the reason behind that feeling is a relief and may be enough for you to change the habit. If not, contact a certified coach to help you work through the block. The "you made me feel" is one I work on nearly every day. It's a social norm to say, "You made me feel___" but just because it's a norm doesn't mean it's acceptable.

 

3. What can I do to make it right? / How can I do better next time?

Sometimes there is something you can do to make the mistake right and it’s important to ask how to do that. For instance, if you’ve accidentally broken something, ask how to make it right—can you replace the item?

 

Referring back to #2 once more: You’ve honestly apologized. You’re both calm. You’d like to do better next time and you’d like your child to do better as well. Now is the time to have that conversation.

Sometimes, just asking, “How would you like me to behave if we are ever in a situation like this again?” is enough. I'm surprised at the things my kids says sometimes. For example: Let’s say Loreli was running up and down the grocery aisles, I’ve asked her to stop twice, she doesn’t and I flip out and yell at her. I will apologize for yelling. Once things have calmed down I can ask her, “Can you think of a better way for me to ask you to stop running up and down the aisles?”

"Well, maybe you could hold my hand." or, "Maybe I could push the cart next time."

“Those are both good ideas, thank you, I can do that next time. Can you think of a better way to express your excitement in the grocery store?”

“I could sing!” or “I could wait until we got home and go ride my bike.”

And of course, remember, you aren’t perfect and sometimes, no matter what you do, it’s not going to come out right. For instance, I haven’t yet mastered a calm response to what I perceive as near death experiences. Once, when Daniel was 5, he wandered off with an older kid on the farm where we board our mare Rayn. I tried to stay calm. I called Brad and 911. I asked my Inner Voice where he was and kept seeing water. There are two ponds and a marshy area on the property. I completely lost it and ran for the pond screaming his name. When he turned up 5 minutes later (he had been in the marshy area thank God), my knees actually buckled before I could get to him and I sank to the ground hysterically sobbing. He came running to me and all I could say was, “Oh my God. Oh my God. Where were you? Why didn’t you answer me? WHERE WERE YOU???” My response was not the best and I botched every apology I tried,

“I’m sorry I scared you Daniel but I was so scared!”

“I’m sorry I was crying like that Daniel but I couldn’t find you!”

There was no, “How can I do better next time?” There were just tears and hugs and, “OH MY GOD! Don’t ever wander off like that again!” 

 

Sigh. After living with me for so many years, my kids are fully aware that I’m only human! :-)