8/7/13
In the adoption world parents are
often told if they don’t have that immediate bond with their kids to, “Just
fake it ‘til you make it!” Well meaning parents will tell each other this
little tidbit and, well, it’s advice from another parent, take it with a grain
of salt. However, when your agency tells you or your Reactive Attachment
Disorder therapist—that can be a different thing. You might, like I did, take
it as gospel. I was grasping at straws, gasping for air at a time when I felt
like the life was being sucked right out of me. I didn’t know what to do, I
didn’t know where to turn. I read everything I could get my hands on trying to
get a handle on our life. Most of what I found said, “Fake it ‘til you make it.
Take control. Don’t let this little kid run or ruin your life. Time outs. Watch
your kids like hawks, they like to hurt the other children. They are doing this
behavior to control you. They are manipulative. They will turn the adults
against each other. Many parents get divorced in the face of this situation.
Get help (but we won’t tell you what that is). Fake it ‘til you make it…and you
may never make it. This is your life now.”
Looking at this now, a year after I
started my journey with horses…it brings tears to my eyes. When you read the
above bits of “advice” do you see a common thread running through? I didn’t
then but I do now.
Fear.
Fear that fed into my tendency toward
fear. My fear of no control. Fear that my youngest would be hurt. Fear that my
husband and I wouldn’t be able to withstand the storm that was our daughter.
Fear that no one understood. Fear that my daughter and I would never have
the relationship I had hoped for. Fear that I wasn't good enough. Fear that I
wasn't up to the task. Fear that it would never get better.
When you are in that
grasping-at-straws-phase you’ll do anything, act any way, to make things better,
to make things work.
Fake it ‘til you make it won’t work.
Can you tell when someone doesn’t
like you, doesn’t approve of you? Of course. What makes us think that a child
can’t feel that? Of course they can!
What can you do instead? Well I can
tell you what I did. I started living a bit more honestly. I stopped saying, “I love you.” I started
following my inner voice and it had LOTS to say! One of the first things I did:
Instead of constantly watching my daughter to curb her flood of anger and
nastiness I started watching her out of the corner of my eye, looking for a
positive moment and every time she would do something nice, I would jump on it
with a, “Wow Loreli! That was so nice of you!”
Seeing her try to elicit that
response in me in the face of her trauma opened my eyes. I prayed, but
differently. Instead of, “Please God, help me get through this day and show her
love.” I asked, “Please God, let me see this child for who she really is. Let
me see her spirit, her higher self, the sweet being that I know she is, let me
see her before her trauma happened.”
And I did.
I had gotten in the habit of not
looking her in the eye. Every time I did I could see what looked like anger,
hate and defiance. It hurt me. It hurt my feelings. I’m human (I know, it
shocked me too). My inner voice told me to look her in the eye. That was really hard for me but when I did? I saw
a sparkle in Loreli’s eyes that I hadn’t seen before. A glint of humor. A shine
of joy. I saw her spirit.
I started saying and meaning, "I
love you Loreli."
Truly seeing her was eye opening. I
was so blinded by fear before. Suddenly I could SEE her making eye contact. I
could SEE her being kind to her brother and looking to me to see if that was
right. Being kind to the dogs. Being kind to Brad. Being kind to ME. She wanted
to do the right thing but she needed to be taught how. Spending time with the
herd and listening to what they were teaching me, being open to new and
mysterious ways is teaching me to teach her.
Maybe there are kids whose trauma is
so severe that they just can’t be helped. I don’t know. I hope not.
What I do know: In my life the horses
came in and broke the cycle of fear and misunderstanding and I believe they can
do that with others as well.
