Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Monopoly Night!

This game just wouldn't have been possible 3 months ago. Tonight we pulled it out and it didn't even occur to me that it could be a problem. That's big news right?

The end was tough as Loreli landed on Daddy's Boardwalk two different times. There were a few tears shed as she realized she couldn't win but not more than many other kids. As Nichole said later, "Seriously, if I landed on Boardwalk twice I would have cried about mortgaging everything to give my dad $1400 too." 

All in all a good game, lots of roaring in excitement, 


lots of silliness, 


lots learned, 



a few tears, 


 and in the end, a quick bounce back to normal.


And this one, just because :-)

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Souls ready to cross over


On Monday I had the honor of being in the presence of two horses who crossed to the other side.

Cali

Cali was a pretty, grey, 21 year old mare who had cancer. This summer she contracted VS (Vesicular Stomatitis), a virus whose symptoms are painful and take weeks to heal. Cali’s system was already compromised by cancer and the VS never fully cleared. Her owners are friends of mine, a mother and her teenage daughter, and they fought hard for Cali, never giving up, always at the barn to feed her special food (VS leaves painful ulcers on the tongue) and give her extra love. But last week the cancer had spread further and left Cali tired, in pain, and ready to go. When I saw Cali, the feeling I got from her was peaceful about going but sadness for her girls.

The vet administered the first bit of sedation and Cali’s humans hugged her, kissed her, and said their goodbyes. The mother said, “Secretariat is just waiting for you Cali, he’s waiting for ‘the pretty grey filly’ to come home.” Sob...Mother and daughter wanted to remember Cali as she was so they left after the first sedation. After the second sedation Cali went down easily, a constant prayer for me since it can be traumatic.

I was sitting on the ground at Cali’s head as she crossed over. I noticed the crown of her head was hot. I felt other areas of her upper body, her neck, face, ears, shoulder, everything else was a normal temperature.

The second horse to go was Metro. His owners were too sad to see him go so they said goodbye the day before. Metro, like Cali, was a racehorse in his day. He was somewhere between 26 and 29 years old! He had a bowed tendon that, at his age, couldn’t be fixed. I grazed him while I waited for the vet to arrive. I have a friend who was at the barn earlier who said she and Metro had talked a bit before I got there. She was crying in his stall and telling him she was so sorry when Metro piped up with, “Why? I know my soul is eternal.” Sweet boy.

Metro too, went down easily, and while sitting on the ground with him I noticed that the crown of his head was hot too! What an interesting development. These are only the second and third horses I’ve been with while they crossed so I don’t yet know if this is normal but all I could think of was that their souls were leaving through their crown chakra. (A friend later told me that Buddhists believe this.) I’ve been with several dogs as they crossed but that wasn’t something I noticed. I’ll be sure to pay attention from now on.

Earlier this year I had the experience of Luke crossing, soon after a friend of a friend had a dog that she wanted me to talk to and do some Reiki with, to see if she was ready to go. The very next day another friend’s dog, Keegan, a cousin of my Onya, suddenly went down hill and I raced to Denver to be with them as he made the transition. I’m sad to see them go for sure, sad for those who are left behind and cry when it happens but somehow, when it all comes down to the end, all I can think of is that it’s a new beginning.



This spring I was asked by hospice to come do Reiki with a patient. I’ve never seen anyone in hospice before, it was eye opening. That night the patient crossed over. The next day the caseworker called to console me but honestly, I was so happy for the woman!

At the barn the vet asked, “How does it keep happening that you are here Julia?” I told her that I ask the owners if I can be there with them (especially if the owners can’t be). I want to do it. I’m thankful that I can and I feel honored to share those last moments with them.

If you ever need support during a loved ones crossing, give me a call, I’m happy to be there with you or in your place if you aren't able. xo

Friday, October 10, 2014

Horse photograpy with a new lens

Rented a 70-200mm 2.8 lens--a few shots from today :-)

Goose
Black Jack

Cheers

Lofty

Splash

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Time-In vs Time-Out


In some adoption circles parents use Time-In instead of Time-Out. I remember hearing about time-ins way back that first year that Eva was home. I couldn’t find specifics about it or why it was better, although I find them online easily now! Honestly, even if I had found information it probably wouldn’t have made sense at the time—I was not in the place to hear it myself.

So, in our family we use a "time-in" instead of a “time-out”. Instead of sending the kid to their room we sit together--they hate it--but they are getting what they NEED not necessarily what they want.

It usually goes like this (I’m not going to pin this on either kid today, so I’ll use “the child” :-)):

Sitting next to each other, usually the child’s face is turned away from me in anger, sometimes their whole body.

I am silent unless the child is talking and or screaming.

If the child is screaming I say things like, "Wow, I see you are really mad!" or "Tell me more about it!" 

The child is not allowed to be verbally or physically abusive to anyone, including themselves.

Eventually the child thinks silence will work and we sit silently. I usually read silently during this time.

The child says they are ready to talk, sometimes apologizes.

The child and I have a calm conversation. (Because there is no point in having a conversation when the child is mad--no logical brain is present then!) 
The conversation is usually something along the lines of:

Me: You were really angry, where in your body could you feel it?
Child: My chest and my stomach.
Me: Can you tell me why you were so angry?
Child: I was angry because you said I could walk the dogs after school but then you didn’t let me!!!
Me: You took Onya outside right?
Child: Yes.
Me: Do you remember the rules about walking the dogs?
Child: Yes…
Me: What is the rule?
Child: I have to put her on a leash.
Me: Right! Do you remember why it’s so important?
Child: Because she doesn’t always come to me when I call her and she might get hit by a car or something.
Me: Exactly! So what happened this afternoon?
Child: I didn’t have Onya on a leash so I got in trouble.
Me: Do you remember what I said and how I said it?
Child: You just said I couldn’t walk the dogs today.
Child: No, you were annoyed but you didn't yell or anything.
Me: And what did you do when I said that?
Child: I cried and screamed that you were being mean! (At this point the kid is almost always smiling and giggling a little about their reaction)
Me: What can you do differently next time?
Child: Use a leash.
Me: (Squishy hugs and kisses) Good job.
And that is that.

Sometimes the child will apologize and as we start talking he/she will start screaming all over again so we go back to square one.

I just follow the kid. Whatever they are ready for is what we do. 

I've been asked, more than once, "Well, doesn't that just teach them that being bad gets them attention?" If they need love and attention, they need it, period. Sometimes adopted kids can only "ask" for it in a negative way. They don't feel safe enough to say, "Can I have a hug?" Someday, after a lot of practice, they will feel safe enough to ask for what they need but today isn't that day--and that's okay.

Time-ins usually get shorter as you practice them. Then sometimes they last for 2 hours (but my kids are adopted and have issues beyond a typical bio child). It's a lesson in patience and following-their-lead for me.

The lesson for them is that people don't leave you just because you are mad/sad/screaming. Family stays near, even in the icky times. I don’t think kids, bio or adopted are capable of all that processing on their own, all by themselves, in a traditional "time-out". When kids are sent to a time-out they only feel isolated, bad, unloved, and in an adopted kids case, abandoned…again.

It’s our job as adoptive parents to work on our own icky, sticky background “stuff” so we can teach our children how to be more whole. It’s a constant, never-ending cycle: healing ourselves and helping our children heal. Once I started to figure out and heal some of my own issues, I could clearly see my kids going to a time-out and sitting up in their rooms stewing. They weren’t learning anything other than “when I’m mad Mom doesn’t want to be with me anymore.”

Now my kids are constantly learning:

Mad doesn’t equal bad.

Being angry is okay.

It’s possible to work through anger.

Anger and silence doesn’t make Mom run for the hills.

Mom can help me find my way out of anger.

Mom won’t leave me no matter what.

Just because I’m angry doesn’t mean I get to be abusive.

Even if I was really angry about something, it’s okay to laugh about it later.

I’m safe, even if I’m angry.

Every so often I will get this in a time-in: The child will look at me with furious eyes. I will look at the child calmly. He/she will close their eyes, take a deep breath, lower their shoulders, open their eyes and calmly say, “I’m sorry, I forgot the leash. I’ll put in on and then can I take Onya back out?” That’s when I look at this little kid and say, “Of course, thank you!” but on the inside I’m gawking. I couldn’t consistently say I was sorry until I was in my 30s! :-)


Wednesday, October 8, 2014

How Deep Is Your Love--update

Last night I was struggling. This morning I heard this song title in my head, so after the kids went off to school I looked up the lyrics. I read them and fell apart. I desperately needed this today.

I see this from Loreli's perspective:

"How Deep Is Your Love"

I know your eyes in the morning sun
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
And the moment that you wander far from me
I wanna feel you in my arms again


And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love and then softly leave
And it's me you need to show
How Deep Is Your Love


How deep is your love, How deep is your love
I really need to learn
'Cause we're living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me


I believe in you
You know the door to my very soul
You're the light in my deepest darkest hour
You're my saviour when I fall
And you may not think
I care for you
When you know down inside
That I really do
And it's me you need to show
How Deep Is Your Love


How deep is your love, How deep is your love
I really need to learn
'Cause we're living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me


And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love and then softly leave
And it's me you need to show
How Deep Is Your Love


How deep is your love, How deep is your love
I really need to learn
'Cause we're living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

-Bee Gees

How deep is your love?

Last night was tough. I didn't sleep well and had nightmares and weird dreams all night.

This morning the song title running through my head was, How Deep is Your Love?

Well isn't that fitting.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Tired

Tonight I'm done. I'm just so tired. Tired of always being "on." Tired of Loreli's emotional needs. Tired of being a coach 24/7. Tired of time-ins. Tired of the teeter-totter of silence and then screaming. I'm even tired of the happy, easy going kid because I know the hideous, nasty, abusive child is hiding inside.

Tonight in the middle of a time-in I decided it was better if I just gave up for the evening. I don't do that. I've learned that in order for the time-in to work, it needs to run it's full course. It usually starts with Loreli screaming, followed by silence (45 minutes tonight), followed by an apology, followed by open and honest communication. Occasionally the silence is punctuated by screaming fits. I got sick of that tonight, it's 9pm!, and told her we would continue this when she got home from school tomorrow.

So, I have that to look forward to.

Tired and in tears.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

An awareness of triggers...


Earlier this week I took Loreli to the horses. As you can see we had a great time :-) Remi (the bay) and Rayn (our horse, the dappled grey) spent a lot of time playing and working with Loreli. And Loreli, for the first time ever, opened up, let the fear of closeness fade, and ALLOWED. I had my good camera with me, thank God, and was able to capture the moments that made my heart sing. If you've been following our progress both here and on my Facebook page The White Horse Whispers you know just how much this meant to me.

Loreli and I were both soaring high for the rest of the evening. A little blip went off on my radar screen at dinner when I watched Loreli get over-excited about something, pushing her way into getting in trouble. My Inner Voice said, "Hiro." If you remember, Hiro is Loreli's alter ego, the survivor child who believes with all her heart that bonding=abandonment.

What Loreli and I experienced at the farm was a whole boatload of bonding. Not just, "yay, we are getting along!" but bonding on several levels: Mom loves horses, Mom works with horses, Mom talks to horses and the horses talk to her, I love horses, the horses love me, I love being out here with Mom and the horses, maybe I love Mom. Whew. That's a lot of stuff going on internally.

So, when I saw Hiro looking at me out of the corner of her eye, I said to Loreli, "Boy, I sure did have fun at the farm with you today! Being with the horses just feels good doesn't it?"

"Remember how Hiro likes to create 'paybacks' for you? How she hates it when we feel close because closeness is so scary for her? How her experience is bonding equals abandonment? Maybe we need to keep an eye out for her for the next few days. If you feel her poking her head up, you let me know okay? Maybe she's starting to let go a little. You were able to be really open to the horses today and to me too so maybe she's starting to believe us a little, believe that having fun together and bonding, equals safety."

Part of me says, jeez, don't even put it out there, verbally, law of attraction and all that. The other part of me has lived with Loreli for 5 years. I see us working through the layers of trauma and coming out the other side but I think it's so important to have an awareness around the scary stuff.

Yesterday I talked with someone who asked me, "Do you think that Loreli will ever get better?" This woman and I share a background, we both had emotionally abusive husbands in our past. I told her it took me...maybe 8 years of being in a relationship with Brad before I consistently realized that certain things triggered fear in me. Fear from my past marriage. Once I began to recognize those triggers I made leaps and bounds in my healing. Brad isn't James. Brad has never been James. Brad will never be James.

In my experience, awareness of triggers is key.

For Loreli one of the triggers is closeness, particularly to me. I'm aware. I hope bringing that awareness is a good first step for her too.








Friday, October 3, 2014

Girls, anger, and the Dammit Doll



In the Equine Gestalt Coaching program I'm in we deal with anger...a lot. For those of us still students, we are working on finishing our "unfinished business"in order to stay centered when the time comes that we are certified coaches and helping our clients find their healing.

Unlike many girls, my daughter Loreli, doesn't hold her anger in, it is out and in your face! In some ways I feel proud of that (although it wasn't my doing) because as women we often aren't "allowed" to be angry. We are allowed to cry but as far as anger goes, well, it's our job to stuff it, not show it.

So, yay, for outwardly shown anger...kinda ;-) Sometimes though, that anger can turn inward--and last night for Loreli it was turning inward in an icky way. I could hear her muttering that she was stupid and that she ought to be able to get it. She was working on some math homework that required a lot of focus. The math problems weren't that hard, double digit addition, but they were in this weird format and for the final answer to be correct she had to get each successive problem exactly right. If there was even one little mistake everything else beyond that was wrong too. Ugh. Loreli is a smart cookie and can usually whip through her homework in no time but last night was tough. She worked on it before dinner and then after dinner as well and held herself together admirably. Little breakthroughs of, "This is STUPID!" would pop up and I would agree with her--then she would go back to work.

After dinner she and Brad tackled it together and she was really getting pretty worked up about it. She had invested at least an hour in this worksheet and still wasn't finished. I suddenly remembered my training and asked her to go get a stuffed animal. She came back carrying a skunk! I put the dogs outside, moved everything off our couch and showed her what to do: I took the skunk by the tail, beat it on the leather couch (which made a satisfying thwacking noise!) and screamed, "Dammit, dammit, dammit! This is the WORST homework ever! I hate it! Arrrrggggghhhhhh!!!!!" Then I handed her the skunk. She looked at me wide eyed, with a huge smile on her face and said, "Really?" I grinned, "Yep, go for it!" She gave the couch a few half-hearted whacks but when I told her she could say whatever she wanted, she gave it her all! "Stupid stupid STUPID! I hate this homework! DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!!!" I jumped up and down and yelled with her, "Go Loreli go!"

After some minutes of beating the stuffing out of the couch she calmed down and went back to that homework and hammered at it until it was done.

PROUD MOMMY! Both of myself for giving her that outlet and of Loreli for allowing it!


Thursday, October 2, 2014

What happened when I asked the herd to come sleep near me...


Sleeping horses clockwise from left to right: Rayn, James, Cali, Midnight, and Goose.
A few weeks ago I was out in the pasture and I had seven horses grazing near me. When they moved, I stood up and moved too. I was sooo relaxed just hanging out in the sun with them nearby. Toward the end of my two hours I mentally asked them to come lay near me. One at at time they walked in front of me, did the wobbly leg thing that always makes me smile, and laid down. By the end, five of the seven were snoozing away in the sun :-)  Made my day!

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Photos from hanging out with the herd today...

Cali (Sweet Cali will be crossing the Rainbow Bridge on Monday.)

Cali

Cali



Rayn

Rayn

River

Splash

Winter (I love how his body disappears into the clouds...it's as if he's part of the heavens above.)

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

On being an empath

I’ve known, since my late teens, that I pick up on other people’s emotions. It’s called several things: Empathy, Clairsentience, or Clairempathy. The first time I remember it was when I was about 18 and I walked into a friend of the family’s apartment and was flooded with a wave of depression. It was so very different from what I had been feeling that I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it wasn’t mine. I wanted to run from the apartment but couldn’t, so I just sat with it, wide-eyed and weirded out.

Fast forward to yesterday: I went to pick up the kids from school—Daniel was bubbly and Loreli was quiet but within five minutes she was bubbly too so I put her quietness behind me. They were home for about a half an hour when a sudden “fullness” in my chest hit me. Kind of scary! Soon after I had a tightness in my throat. Yikes. I checked the internet for heart attack signs for women. What in the world?

Took the kids outside to play with friends while the moms talked. The feeling lessened a bit. Came back inside to make dinner and the feelings increased and a headache was forming. After about 30 minutes I also added a feeling of panic and then I suddenly wanted to cry.

A lightbulb went off. Wait, wait! I know what this might be!

I asked Loreli to come upstairs with me and we curled up in my bed. “Just wondering how things are going in school…” She said they were okay but then stopped and said, “No, they’re not. Today was bad.” She’s been dealing with a couple of little girls who are bullying her and a bunch of other kids in class. Ugh.

I said, “Before you start telling me about it, can you find the feeling in your body?” Loreli said it was in her chest and her forehead.

No wonder my heart was feeling so icky and I was working on a headache!

She continued to tell me about the “mean girls” at school and what they were saying to her. She so desperately wanted to say something back to them but felt like she shouldn’t for fear of retaliation. I asked her where she felt that in her body…can you guess where? Yep, her throat felt tight.

As she was talking, the physical feelings I had been having slowly lessened their grip on me.

It was only 2.5 hours from the onset of my “symptoms” to figuring it out. The time frame is getting shorter! YAY!

I recently had a bout of “symptoms” (panic, fear, lots of crying) that lasted four days—I was so freaked out! I cried to Brad during that time, “I don’t know what’s going on! I can’t figure out why I feel so terrified and panicky!” It took two days of antidepressants before I could figure out what was going on and, again, it had to do with what was going on with Loreli. I’ve never taken antidepressants and now that all of this empath stuff is making itself clearer, I’m so very happy with the crazy side effects that I felt during those two days. Without the side effects I might have spent more time on antidepressants, stuffing the empathy down, instead of using it!

Now, to figure out how to hone it to a sharp edge but also not slice myself to smithereens. It’s useful if I can help the person, but if not, I don’t need it!

This all makes me wonder, how many people are in the world, suffering from depression, anxiety, etc who are actually untrained empaths just sucking in other people’s feelings?

I’ve been struggling with this for my entire life. It took Loreli’s pain, what felt to me like a near breakdown, and 45 years to start to figure it out.

When I can remember to do it, I ask myself, “Self, what were you feeling 5 minutes ago when you were alone?” I usually realize that I was feeling fine and dandy 5 minutes ago. And then either someone I love or a random stranger at the grocery store came into emotional contact with me and poof! I’m suddenly feeling THEIR feelings and not my own anymore.

Is that weird or what?

It is quite the experience to unravel my feelings and someone else’s. It can be really useful too. With Daniel I often know what is going on with him before he can verbalize it. That’s been going on since he came home at 7 months. I have had a few times that I have consciously been aware that my physical symptoms were actually Daniel’s but they have been “quieter” things like stomach aches or headaches. With Loreli I’m guessing that the reason they arrive in me so acutely is because they are triggering a similar feeling in me.

With Brad…well, Brad can get frustrated easily and I will be frustrated right back at him—the whole time feeling completely confused.

It’s just been in the past few weeks that I’m fully recognizing this. The Completely Confused part is key and the piece that I need to watch for. Completely Confused is a big clue. If I’m feeling Completely Confused and a negative emotion, the alarm bells need to start ringing—LOUDLY! Completely Confused is a sign for, “This emotion is NOT YOURS!”

I was writing in my journal a few days ago:

When something brings it front and center and I pay attention, I recognize it for a few days. But life often gets in the way, I forget, and just go back to what is “normal”. I’m beginning to see that this is a huge mistake! How will I ever be able to use it as the gift it is if I don’t practice on a daily basis?

I also noted that I had been seeing bald eagles nearly every day. I decided to look up what the eagle might be telling me and wrote in my journal:

Visually, everything about the eagle's appearance is sharp. Streamlined, sleek, chiseled. This prompts our deeper minds to hone our thoughts and skills. The eagle commands us to tailor our intelligence and talents in a form that best suits our needs. We all have inner abilities, but when the eagle shows up - it's a clear sign it's time to use these abilities in a laser-like fashion to bring about focused change in our lives.

Well then.

It’s time to stop pushing this aside. Time to figure out how to use it! And if my own experiences weren’t enough to want to make the changes, I’ve also seen some empath signs in Daniel—I refuse to let him wander through life without knowing how to work with it. As I learn, I’ll teach him too.

So, not only do I wonder how many adults are out there, stuffing this “gift” but also, how many children are coming into our world learning to stuff the gift from their parents? I think it’s very possible that we are all born with this gift but are never taught how to use it.

Have you ever thought to ask a child, “Do you think that this feeling you are having belongs to you or someone else?” I sure haven’t, until now…

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

"Payback" by Loreli

Hooo boy, did I want to explain my side of this post! But I've refrained :-) 
I do want to add that "Hiro" is a part of Loreli. The part that helped her survive the loss of her Mom at 3, the two orphanages that came after, and then finally coming home to be our daughter. Without further ado, here is 9 year old Loreli's first post:

Today we went to the library because I had finished all my chapter books and the first thing I wanted to do when we were done was to start one of my books. But Mom refused, so when we got out of the intersection, she asked which book I wanted and I told her. She held up a book and when I said, “No.” she said, “Wait until we get home.”

Then I threw a fit and started talking under my breath. Mommy started talking, “I did something nice for you and you treated me like crap. On top of that I took you out of school early!”

Daniel said something but Mom didn’t answer. “Guess she’s not listening.” he murmured.

Mom said, “I’m specifically talking to you Loreli!”

Then I started talking under my breath. “I’m always in trouble and Daniel’s not!”

I was mad.

We were about to pull into our neighborhood and then Mom said, “And you, Daniel! You didn’t want to stay too long at the library and we did what you wanted too! We easily could have stayed an hour but we only stayed for 20 minutes!”

Daniel said, “I’m really, really sorry and I won’t ever do it again.”

We were just getting out of the car and Daniel started kissing Mom’s butt saying, “Hi Mommy!” He waited a second but didn’t hear an answer. “Mommy…” he started.

Mom said, “Just be quiet for a few minutes.”

When we got in the house and took off our shoes, Mom started to say, “You can have a snack and then do chores to make up for your behavior back there.”

Then I got to share why I started acting like that. Hiro calls that attitude “payback”. Hiro feels that after I’ve had a good time she acts up because she wants to, NEEDS to, ruin the fun time because she thinks we’re getting closer to Mommy or Daddy or Daniel and she thinks it’s scary because back in the time of the orphanage every time we were getting closer to someone I was sent away.

And now that I’ve been in 3 other different places (except for here) and I’m thinking, in my little brain, that if I get any closer to my family I’ll be sent away to a different family. And if I got close to another family I would get sent away again. And so once I start believing I can trust my family then I start thinking about what it was like back in the orphanage and that’s why it’s hard for me to believe I would ever be staying with one family.

I told Mom this and she said that she understood. At the end I said I was sorry and next time I would show my anger in a more appropriate way. I need to be more nice when I say it and not get mad over little teeny things. Next time Mom says, “I’m talking to you Loreli.” I won’t talk under my breath.

And next time I’ll concentrate on other fun things that will happen in my life instead of worrying about the bad things that could happen.

That will never happen.