Project 365, Day 31

Happy 8th Birthday to sweet Midgie :-)

Project 365, Day 30

Project 365, Day 29

Project 365, Day 28

What a knowing look...

Project 365, Day 27

Project 365, Day 26

Clarity, Introversion and Public Speaking

In 2000 I whispered my marriage vows to the man I love. Hello, my name is Julia. I’m an introvert. ("Hiiiii, Julia!") In looking at Clean Sweep, Week 4, I decided to choose an item in the Well Being section: "I have no habits, which are unacceptable to me." My habit is forever saying, "I hate speaking in public!"

I’ve been doing a short meditation everyday for about four months now—a little grounding and then running through each chakra. It only takes five minutes and, as promised by meditation gurus around the world, is life altering. For about two months, at my throat chakra, I’ve been concentrating on clear speech and clear writing. Recently the words coming to me felt more specific: clarity of speech and clarity in writing.

I wasn’t sure what this all meant until I had a coaching session and up from the depths of my soul came this need to speak my truth in public, a knowing that I could, and a way for me to learn it (at the time, I thought Toastmasters). Whaaat? I laughed out loud when I realized what I was saying. I told some friends and one of them told me about a public speaking coach in Boulder. Turns out, there are people who can teach you how to speak in public and enjoy it and Johanna Walker had a free class a few days later. I went, did her exercises, was fascinated and a little scared, and signed up for three, 3 hour workshops. In looking at my daily meditation, it appears I’m getting what I’m focusing on and it’s coming into my life in some very unexpected ways!

The goal is to be able to speak at "heritage camps", where families of international adoption gather all over the United States to learn more about their children’s heritage. My vision is to speak to these parents about my calling: partnering with horses to help adopted families find healing and wholeness. The whole idea makes me giggle with happiness, makes my palms sweaty, and I can't stop smiling when I think about it!

Once upon a time, I whispered my marriage vows.

I am done whispering.

Project 365, Day 25

Project 365, Day 24

Sleepy James

Project 365, Day 23

Hair is still difficult on take-out-braids day :-(  This time we left the braids in for 3 weeks just to see if it was still okay at the end (a bit fuzzier but still good) and it took 2 hours and 45 minutes to take them all out (1.5 hours to take out last time). Brad's guess is because they were left in a week longer than last time. I'll ask the girl who braids her hair about that. I don't blame the grumpy face, it's hard to sit still that long. We watched Back to the Future and a TV show to pass the time but still, sucks for it to take that long! Brad and I took turns unraveling and even Loreli helped--next time I will ask if she would like to do it by herself--maybe that would be better for her? She loves the easy mornings when it's braided and she can stick the loose ends into a high ponytail and be done--so far there hasn't been a better way!

Project 365, Day 22

In the last moments before heading off to school this morning I found Daniel writing a message to me in the frost of the storm door: "I love you." and my favorite, "I love you my sweetie pie."

Project 365, Day 21

Loreli and Daniel wrestling :-)))

Rayn and Asha

My friend Asha, who rides out at the farm where Rayn lives, emailed me on Friday with this wonderful story. She agreed to let me post it here :-) (Also, I have to say--Rayn has been helping me learn my own boundaries since she came home two and a half years ago! As Asha says, she's very clear on her own!)

Hi Julia!

Thought I would share with you my little story of connecting with Rayn today:

When I took James back to the herd after my lesson, I decided to hang out with the horses for a while.  It was such a beautiful day in the middle of winter; a break from all the cold and snow we have had. It felt like spring. 

Rayn was lying down and I decided to approach her with a technique I had just learned from animal communicator Amelia Kinkade. I imagined sparkles and stars emanating from my heart and flowing toward Rayn’s heart. As I connected with her, I told her I didn’t want anything from her, and asked if I could come sit next to her. I didn’t get a verbal answer, but I felt a warmth coming from her. I felt invited, so I respectfully sat next to her. I gently reached out for her to smell my hand, and then I stroked her face. “I just want to be with you,” I said. “I want to connect.”

I suddenly received an image of Rayn’s owner, her human Mom. She was smiling so big.  Her face full of joy, her wisps of blonde hair shining in the sunlight. Rayn said, in reference to the image I had received, “I love that.” A few moments passed, and I was gifted with the same image. Rayn again said, “I love that.” I then knew how special her human Mom was to her. Of all the things Rayn could have showed me, she offered the image of her Mom’s joyful face. I asked Rayn, “What about your Mom’s children?” Rayn replied, “I like to help them.” She showed me how she comes to them with a calm and knowing energy. Like a wise grandmother. She showed me an image of how she sometimes envelops them by wrapping herself energetically around them. I showed Rayn a picture in my mind of a saddle going on her back and asked, “What about a saddle?” Rayn stated, “That’s not my way.” meaning that isn’t the way she helps, or teaches, or connects with people.

I sat with Rayn for a while, amused with her eating the scraps of hay around her. I gathered up some clumps of hay and offered them to her. She ate for a few minutes, then put down her head and went to sleep. I basked in her energy, trying to define it. It was a motherly energy, so different from all the geldings in the herd. I decided to reach out and stroke her leg that was just a couple of inches from mine. She sat up with a start and nipped the air right near my hand, much the way a dog will give an air bite as a warning. I instinctively pulled my hand back. Rayn pinned her ears back at me and said quite firmly “I am done connecting.” “OK”, I replied. “Wow, you have some clear boundaries.” (She IS the head mare, mind you.) As quickly as she reacted, she let it go and put her head down. Her breathing changed. She had gone back to sleep.

I sat with the herd for only half and hour. However, it was time without an agenda. I expected nothing of them. That freed me as much as it freed them. I allowed myself to just be. As I walked back to the car, I noticed how serene I felt. Here I was a yoga teacher of 23 years that had become more peaceful from sitting for a few minutes with a herd of horses than I am after an hour or more on a yoga mat.

Project 365, Day 20

Onya and Ike...on the same bed...and Ike's feeties are touching Onya's back...happy Mom :-)

Project 365, Day 19

Clean Sweep, Week 3--My hair is the way I want it.

Because the little things are important too. I'm checking off an easy one this week :-)

My hair is the way I want it and this woman is the reason why:

"It's Simple--- Our Products Contain the safest most sound ingredients available Today!  No hype, No compromise and No expense spared.  You won't find synthetics,parabens, propylene glycol, sodium Laurel sulfate or any other ingredient with a questionable health history.  Our plant ingredients, like the original olive leaf extract, natural citrus essential oils, honey, and tree extracts are SIMPLY ORGANIC!!"

If you are in Boulder County, Colorado give her a call! I spent years getting my hair highlighted and suffering from migraines afterwards--no more! Micah started her own salon from scratch so she wouldn't have to subject herself or her clients to any more icky chemicals. If you are a sensitive sort, go check her out, you won't be disappointed!

I take my planner with me and schedule my next appointment in 3 months. If I don't then I can easily go 6 months hating my hair, complaining about my roots, but forgetting to make an appointment. This is a tiny thing that makes my life easier and keeps my hair looking pretty and that's a nice thing to do for myself :-)

I'm coaching someone right now and we're both realizing how little "self-care" she does. Which reminds me to do more for myself. Being a mom...well if you are, then you know what it's like. We tend to take care of everyone but ourselves. I think it's sad for my kids to see that--what does that teach them? So, this year I'm being more aware of that and finding small ways to take care of myself.

Project 365, Day 18

Miss Midgie Boo is just in the spotlight this week :-)

Project 365, Day 17

Project 365, Day 16

Midge and Ike

Project 365, Day 15

"Hiya! Whatcha doin'?"  This is a common look from Midge, peering over the top of "her" chair at us :-)  I've recently come to the conclusion that she is the most emotionally stable of all three Border Collies, even including Onya who for all intents and purposes was born to me ;-)  Midge came to us from a loving home where she was low girl on the totem pole and got into ugly fights a few times--she came to us scared of other dogs and nipped the kids if they held her too close--she was frightened of being held except by me. Over time she has learned that the kids aren't going to hurt her and will happily be a part of a hug, resting her head over a shoulder and going all soft eyed :-) She greets most dogs in an appropriate way and if she gets frightened of a dog, instead of snarling, she'll come running to me to fix it. She can be comforted in a thunderstorm and never chases nor runs and hides when the kids are running wild and shrieking in the house.  I think the emotional stability that she has learned in the past few years is incredibly hopeful!

My Magic Baby

 

7 month old Daniel and new Daddy Brad in their first moments together. Ethiopia, February 2008

The people around me have said, “Maybe he is just fine. Maybe you’re so used to seeing trauma around you that you are giving him the mantle of ‘child of trauma’. This is Daniel, he’s the ‘magic baby’.”

So, I set it all aside for a long time. Wishing that this advice that was offered to me were true, knowing it was given from good hearts but knowing in my own heart that Daniel has his own trauma to work through and he will do it in his own way.

Daniel, just like Loreli, does, in fact, come from a trauma background. He is not our biological child as much as it feels that way.

We called him Magic Baby when he was tiny, he was so easy. He rarely cried. To people not in the trauma world that seems like a Godsend. In truth, he didn’t cry because it never got him anything. Instead he learned to self-soothe. Again, this sounds like a positive and it is because he got his needs met. The other side of the coin though, is that he didn’t get his needs met by a loving adult.

I knew this was coming for a long time but I’ve been feeling it strongly in my body for a few weeks now. Being empathic, I knew that I was feeling Daniel. I’ve been listening to my Inner Voice, which has been leading me to research more about introverts and highly sensitive children. I will be okay this time. I’m much more capable of helping him through his trauma than I was with Loreli in the early days. What a miracle to be going into this with knowledge and hope.

This evening:

Daniel, talking to me while in the shower: I told my teacher over and over that I had a headache and wanted to go see the nurse.

Me: Oh dear! What did she say?

Daniel: She said, “You’re fine sweetie, go sit back down.” (His teacher is wonderful, no worries.)

Me: What were you doing in class when your head started to hurt? (Daniel has been known to stretch the truth about his health when he doesn’t like a certain subjects like writing or arts/crafts.)

Daniel: We were making that paper bag puppet that I gave you in the car.

Me: Hmmm…so you were doing something you didn’t like too much.

Daniel: Yeah. My head still hurts.

Me: Really? It didn’t get better after awhile?

Daniel: Nope. I really want to spend time in bed, watching my iPad and eating pancakes.

Me, laughing a little: Pancakes?

Daniel, still very serious: Yes. You know how when you were sick in bed and Daddy babied you and brought you pancakes in bed? Like that.

Me: Do you think you might need some extra attention?

Daniel: No. I want to be sick.

Me: Okay, so you don’t want more attention. Do you know why you want to be sick?

Daniel: No.

Me: Hmmm…what part of you wants to be sick?

Daniel: My tummy and my head.

Me: And if your tummy had a voice, what would it say? “My tummy says, ‘I want to be sick because…’”

Silence.

Me: How about your head? If your head had a voice, what would it say? “My head says, ‘I want to be sick because…’”

Daniel: My head says it’s sad.

Me (dear God…): Does your head say why it’s sad? (I have to be careful with Daniel--if he thinks something he has said has caused me sadness, he will clam up. He's very protective of my feelings.)

Daniel: My head says it’s sad because it needs more care.

Me: Oh wow! GREAT job Daniel! Good listening to your body!

We talked a bit more about this whole idea and then a few minutes later Daniel said: I’m not going to, but if I ate toilet paper, would I get sick right away?

Me, internally thinking, holy smokes, this is big for him: Well, no, it probably would taste horrible though.

Daniel: What if I licked my hand, touched the bathroom doorknob and licked my hand again?

Me: No, if you got sick, it wouldn’t be right away. You know, you can have breakfast in bed without being sick. What if on Sunday, I make you and Loreli pancakes and you guys eat them in bed?

Daniel: I think I’ll be still be sick. Can I have my iPad too?

Me: I wonder what it would be like if you had breakfast in bed, with your iPad, and you felt great, and you had all of that just because I love you and sometimes it’s fun to be babied?

Daniel: I think my headache is getting a little bit better…

Me ;-) : Well, I’m glad! What number is it do you think? If a 0 means it doesn’t hurt at all and a 10 means it hurts so bad that you are crying and want to go to the hospital…

Daniel: What do you think a 7 is?

Me: It hurts a lot and you are thinking about crying.

Daniel: It’s a 7.

I think he’s thinking about crying but it’s not about his head, it's his heart.

This all went on for another 20 minutes as we talked back and forth about how much pain he was in (I say, not his physical body, but emotionally—or maybe his emotions were causing physical pain which is definitely a possibility too) and what kind of special “care” he wanted. Each time I would gently remind him that he was going to get that care even if he was healthy and each time he would perk up just a bit but then go back to that same groove in his brain—you only get extra attention, love, and care if you are sick.

Daniel was adopted first, as a 7 month old from Ethiopia. He and his twin sister were referred to us at 3 months old and his twin, who we named Maddie, passed away at 5 months old. Daniel was our only child for 19 months and it was a lovely, joyous time.

Daniel is a charming, polite, kind, loving, softhearted, easy-to-raise, highly sensitive, introverted child. When overwhelmed he withdraws. After 19 months of two easy-going, loving parents, Loreli arrived and Daniel’s world was turned upside down. Of course we continued to love him and shower him with attention but I know there were many, many times that he did not have his needs met because we were in the throes of one of Loreli’s wild rages. I know what those rages did to me as a highly sensitive, introverted adult and know it was worse for him. I look back on these past 5 years of Loreli being home and must practice using my kind voice on myself, “You did the best you could with what you had and when you knew better, you did better.” A parent’s mantra. If you are a parent, you know where I want to go, my inner critic screams at me and I continue to soothe it with my mantra. It's so so hard knowing that my own ineptness has caused both of my children more trauma than they already had.

I did the best I could with what I had and when I knew better, I did better. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I know better and do better now (for Loreli’s type) and I’m becoming clearer by the second with Daniel's reaction to his trauma. Nancy Verrier who wrote the Primal Wound says, “there are two diametrically opposed responses to having been abandoned”—the outwardly testing and, “the other being a tendency toward acquiescence, compliance and withdrawal”. One is Loreli’s way, outwardly testing and aggressive (and she’s highly extroverted to boot) and the other is Daniel’s way, quiet, withdrawn, melt-into-the-woodwork.

I can say from experience now, neither is easy but we will work through this just like we have with Loreli (who is doing wonderfully! More on that in another post). I’m sure that some of the tools we used with Loreli will work and I’m also certain that our toolbox will grow with new and useful ways to help a “withdrawn” child heal. Unlike in the early days of Loreli, I now KNOW that we will find healing for Daniel as well. What a blessing to have that certainty.

Project 365, Day 14

Midnight

Project 365, Day 13

Project 365, Day 12

For some reason the kids were taking their homework time seriously today, don't know why but I was thankful :-)

Clean Sweep, Week 2--Do your clothes make you look good?

 

LOOK! COLORS! But don't look too close or you'll find those icky black t-shirts still lurking over on the right side. I will get rid of them...someday...

“My clothes are all ironed, clean, and make me look good. (No creases, piles of washing, torn, out-of-date or ill-fitting clothes.)”

Well, that's a tall order isn't it?

Ironing clothes: HAHAHA! I don't buy clothes that need to be ironed. Ok, seriously, I do have a few things but 99% of my wardrobe is wash and wear. But I'm a mom (jeans), I'm in school to be an equine coach specializing in helping adopted families heal (jeans), a writer (jeans), a Reiki master (jeans), and a photographer (jeans).

Laundry: Do you suffer from Mount Washmore? With 4 people in the house the laundry can overwhelm me quickly and I hate being overwhelmed. Flylady says, "A load a day keeps Mount Washmore away." In my house it's 2-3 loads a day and I created a sheet to remind me which loads I'm doing that day so I can remember to bring stuff down in the morning. I also get the kids to bring their laundry down and put it in their baskets in the laundry room so I'm ready when it's time. Making a laundry sheet is easy: write down all the loads you do every week, including the ones that you have to do more than once. Assign them all to a day of the week and you’re done.

Out-of-date and ill-fitting clothes: Even though I can wear jeans all the time I have realized how icky my clothes were looking. I’ve been slowly cleaning out my closet and getting rid of 1,000 faded, stretched, black or dark grey long sleeve t-shirts. This is an ongoing process because I have an unhealthy attachment to those t-shirts for some reason. I have found a way to replace them with fun clothes in COLORS for not too much money: Target. Not just any Target, go to the one in a college town because their clothes are cuter. No, not the best quality so I wash and let them hang dry to extend the life but we aren't supposed to have clothes that are "out-of-date" right? Target clothes will probably last just that long :-) Oh yeah, by the way: no, I'm not my ideal weight but I was brave and bought clothes anyway!

Getting rid of out-of-date and ill-fitting clothes: For the past few months I've been taking advantage of those incessant telemarketing calls from Disabled Vets, Healing Minds, Lupus, etc. and telling them yes, I have bags for them to pick up. It gives me incentive to find stuff I no longer want or need. I think I’ll put a kitchen garbage bag in every closet so when I find clothes that need to go, I’ll have a quick and easy place to put them.

Doesn't that sound like I've got it all under control? ;-)  I do have it laid out, now it's all about making it a habit. I just have to practice, one day at a time, knowing some days I won’t get it done and that’s okay—as long as it gets done most days, my life is getting easier overall and that’s most important to me!

Project 365, Day 11

One of their Sunday morning chores, cleaning their bathroom...together :-)

Project 365, Day 10

Hanging out with my girl Rayn today. 50 degrees, sunny, bright blue sky, heaven :-) I let her loose in the back pasture and she asked me to run with her, shaking her head and trotting right next to me. I swear there is nothing more fun than running with Raynie! Eventually she took off running, feeling wild and frisky in the sunshine. We were happy girls! 

(By the way, her eye is healing nicely.)

Project 365, Day 9

365, Day 8

My goal for my 365 project is to find something pretty in my every day life to photograph but sometimes reality sets in and today was one of those days. I went out to see Rayn and as I walked across the pasture to her I could see something was wrong with her left eye, it wasn't as wide open as the other. She wasn't walking toward me either, instead just standing with her ears up looking at me projecting, "Mom, look." My poor girl's eye was swollen and the eyelid was cut! Luckily there didn't appear to be any damage to the eye, no weeping, just the main cut and a smaller one above it. I asked her how she did it and I got the image of her rolling. Maybe on a rock or a small piece of metal? A friend at the barn had betadine swabs so I fed her a carrot while the betadine was swabbed on. I'll check on her tomorrow and giver her a good brushing to get all the mud off. Poor girlie :-( 

365, Day 7

365, Day 6

365, Day 5

The last lazy morning of Christmas break.

Clean Sweep, Week 1

This week I'm working on my Physical Environment, #2 which says: My car is in excellent condition. (Doesn't need mechanical work, repairs, cleaning, or replacing.)

Hmmm...well, let's see...my car doesn't need to be replaced or need mechanical work! Yay!

What I DO need to work on are repairs and cleaning. I recently found out that the hard plastic that covers the headlights are about $425 PER SIDE! Mine is so etched that the light coming through is very dim. However, Honda has some magical process that can clear those lens covers for about $80 total. So, I will make an appointment for that this week. Also while I'm there I'll check to see if they can do anything about the tiny chips of paint that are missing from my hood. Because it snows here they put down gravel, etc so unless a car has a clear bra on the front there will be little rusty spots on the hood.

Ick. I'm looking forward to having bright lights again!

Next up--cleaning.

My biggest issue is that I don't take EVERYTHING out of the car that I put in it that day. Eventually things start piling up. The kids don't help, they toss everything on the floor like it's a trash can but why shouldn't they, the car is a mess!

Have you ever heard of the Flylady? This is what she has to say about cars:

Don’t eat in your car. If you do, then bag up the trash as soon as everyone is finished. The bag the fast food came in is a great bag to hold the trash. When you get out of the car, find a trash can.

Every time you get home, empty the car of things you put in it before you left. It will keep your family safe from UFOs (car bound Unidentified Flying Objects).

I've stopped blanketing my horse but for some reason those blankets are now living in my car! The orange chair was from this summer. Important things like a few ropes, an umbrella and a tire iron can go in a bin instead of scattered.

While you are filling your car up with gas; play a game with the children to pick up the trash in your car. Then throw it away.

Keep things in your trunk, confined in zippered bags or under a cargo net in your van or SUV.

Establish a day for blessing your car. Fill it up, Clean it out and Shine it up! We do it on Fridays. 

This is a Slight Edge* thing right? When I make these few tiny things a habit (with the help of my planner!) then I'm on an upward track, going in the right direction!

I plan on using a Purple Rag with just water (It's magic, I promise! I'm not sure why they are different than microfiber cloths but they really are better!) to clean the inside of the windows, then wipe off the seats and the dash.

Next I'll put "car wash/vacuum" in my planner on Fridays. The car wash I like ($3!) has a bunch of super sucky vacuums, so I never have to wait (God forbid). 

Now, I have to admit that I don't often get my car washed in the winter (to the detriment of my car) because it snows in Colorado and it just seems pointless. My car is going to be gross in just a few days so why bother? But there is a feel to a clean car isn't there? To me, it's just relief. A lightness. Yes, it's going to get dirty again but on Friday it will be clean once more. I'd rather feel a lightness of being than the draggy feeling of, "Well if it can't be perfect then why bother?"

* “The truth is, what you do matters. What you do today matters. What you do every day matters. Successful people just do the things that seem to make no difference in the act of doing them and they do them over and over and over until the compound effect kicks in.”
― Jeff Olson, The Slight Edge: Turning Simple Disciplines into Massive Success

365, Day 4

Sometimes a nap is the most important thing of the day.

My favorite horse photos of 2014

I was tagged on facebook to choose 5 of my favorite horse photos from 2014. Oh dear. I narrowed it down, I promise! There are only, like...16 extra...

Pasture horses at Blue Cloud

New horse introduction in neighboring pasture.

Loreli and Rayn

Loreli and Remi

Rocky Mountain Gaited filly

Goose at Blue Cloud

James and Remi at Blue Cloud

Kahuna and Jewel

The horses of Sombrero Ranch

Carolyn and Melody

Daniel and Rayn

Remi and Daniel

Winter and Rusty play fighting over the fence

Rayn

Remi

Rocky Mountain Gaited colt, Ryder

Sunrise at Blue Cloud

Wild horses at Wild Horse Mesa, southern CO

Wild horses at Wild Horse Mesa, southern CO

Wild horses at Wild Horse Mesa, southern CO