Time-In vs Time-Out

In some adoption circles parents use Time-In instead of Time-Out. I remember hearing about time-ins way back that first year that Eva was home. I couldn’t find specifics about it or why it was better, although I find them online easily now! Honestly, even if I had found information it probably wouldn’t have made sense at the time—I was not in the place to hear it myself.

So, in our family we use a "time-in" instead of a “time-out”. Instead of sending the kid to their room we sit together--they hate it--but they are getting what they NEED not necessarily what they want.

It usually goes like this (I’m not going to pin this on either kid today, so I’ll use “the child” :-)):

Sitting next to each other, usually the child’s face is turned away from me in anger, sometimes their whole body.

I am silent unless the child is talking and or screaming.

If the child is screaming I say things like, "Wow, I see you are really mad!" or "Tell me more about it!" 

The child is not allowed to be verbally or physically abusive to anyone, including themselves.

Eventually the child thinks silence will work and we sit silently. I usually read silently during this time.

The child says they are ready to talk, sometimes apologizes.

The child and I have a calm conversation. (Because there is no point in having a conversation when the child is mad--no logical brain is present then!) 

The conversation is usually something along the lines of:

Me: You were really angry, where in your body could you feel it?

Child: My chest and my stomach.

Me: Can you tell me why you were so angry?

Child: I was angry because you said I could walk the dogs after school but then you didn’t let me!!!

Me: You took Onya outside right?

Child: Yes.

Me: Do you remember the rules about walking the dogs?

Child: Yes…

Me: What is the rule?

Child: I have to put her on a leash.

Me: Right! Do you remember why it’s so important?

Child: Because she doesn’t always come to me when I call her and she might get hit by a car or something.

Me: Exactly! So what happened this afternoon?

Child: I didn’t have Onya on a leash so I got in trouble.

Me: Do you remember what I said and how I said it?

Child: You just said I couldn’t walk the dogs today.

Me: Was I angry? Was I yelling? (This is useful with adopted kids who often can't tell the difference between facial expressions and tone of voice.)

Child: No, you were annoyed but you didn't yell or anything.

Me: And what did you do when I said that?

Child: I cried and screamed that you were being mean! (At this point the kid is almost always smiling and giggling a little about their reaction)

Me: What can you do differently next time?

Child: Use a leash.

Me: (Squishy hugs and kisses) Good job.

And that is that.

Sometimes the child will apologize and as we start talking he/she will start screaming all over again so we go back to square one.

I just follow the kid. Whatever they are ready for is what we do. 

I've been asked, more than once, "Well, doesn't that just teach them that being bad gets them attention?" If they need love and attention, they need it, period. Sometimes adopted kids can only "ask" for it in a negative way. They don't feel safe enough to say, "Can I have a hug?" Someday, after a lot of practice, they will feel safe enough to ask for what they need but today isn't that day--and that's okay.

Time-ins usually get shorter as you practice them. Then sometimes they last for 2 hours (but my kids are adopted and have issues beyond a typical bio child). It's a lesson in patience and following-their-lead for me.

The lesson for them is that people don't leave you just because you are mad/sad/screaming. Family stays near, even in the icky times. I don’t think kids, bio or adopted are capable of all that processing on their own, all by themselves, in a traditional "time-out". When kids are sent to a time-out they only feel isolated, bad, unloved, and in an adopted kids case, abandoned…again.

It’s our job as adoptive parents to work on our own icky, sticky background “stuff” so we can teach our children how to be more whole. It’s a constant, never-ending cycle: healing ourselves and helping our children heal. Once I started to figure out and heal some of my own issues, I could clearly see my kids going to a time-out and sitting up in their rooms stewing. They weren’t learning anything other than “when I’m mad Mom doesn’t want to be with me anymore.”

Now my kids are constantly learning:

Mad doesn’t equal bad.

Being angry is okay.

It’s possible to work through anger.

Anger and silence doesn’t make Mom run for the hills.

Mom can help me find my way out of anger.

Mom won’t leave me no matter what.

Just because I’m angry doesn’t mean I get to be abusive.

Even if I was really angry about something, it’s okay to laugh about it later.

I’m safe, even if I’m angry.

Every so often I will get this in a time-in: The child will look at me with furious eyes. I will look at the child calmly. He/she will close their eyes, take a deep breath, lower their shoulders, open their eyes and calmly say, “I’m sorry, I forgot the leash. I’ll put in on and then can I take Onya back out?” That’s when I look at this little kid and say, “Of course, thank you!” but on the inside I’m gawking. I couldn’t consistently say I was sorry until I was in my 30s! :-)