Tiger Time-In

Downtown Denver Aquarium Sumatran Tiger, stock photo.

You've heard of Tiger Moms? This isn't like that.

On Friday I learned how to do a time-in in public! I’ve always been at a loss as to what to do with unacceptable behavior in public. Leave it and the kids quickly figure it out and you are so screwed. I’ve taken the kids outside of the building or into the car but that was harder to do this time.

We were at the aquarium and Loreli was bouncing off the walls with…excitement and fear. The excitement I understood, but the fear was weird. She didn’t say she was scared but that’s the way it felt to me. So, Loreli was zooming back and forth between tanks, “Look over here! Here! Here! Here!” She came to a screeching halt in front of the tiger exhibit (tigers at the aquarium?*), spun on a dime to charge back in the opposite direction and crashed hard into Daniel, who said, “HEY!” and hit her. She yelled, “Well, you don’t have to hit me!” and Daniel burst into tears. They both went stomping away but I made them come back and we sat off to the side with me in between them. I made the mistake of saying, “Daniel, it was an accident,” which sent him into fresh tears. Since neither was able to talk in a civil manner I said we would sit and wait until they were ready. Loreli crossed her arms, glared at me and turned away. Daniel said he was ready. I listened to those words and looked into his eyes, he felt honest. I said, “When Loreli crashed into you it was an accident. She didn’t mean to. We don’t hit in this family. You are not allowed to hit Loreli.” He said he was sorry to me and then to Loreli and was back to checking out the tigers.

I looked at Loreli. She refused to look at me. I thought about what a time-in was—just time with me and calming down until the child was willing to talk in a civil way.

In a civil way, not in a “nice” way. I have a problem telling my kids to “be nice”. I know I’ve said it and I always cringe when I do. “Be nice” in my mind, means, “Cover up your real feelings and just say the right thing to get along.” At 45 I still fight against “be nice”. I fight to be able to argue my point in a civil way and not just cave to get along. I fight to actually verbally disagree with someone and “agree to disagree” instead of just going along with their viewpoint to "be nice". To say what I mean. It’s baby steps for me, undoing years of conditioning. This is just what was said to kids when I was growing up and I’m working on teaching my kids a different way. So I say “civil” and I continue to explain what that means to me: I am okay with you arguing or disagreeing with me but you will not be verbally abusive about it.

Stepping off the soapbox.

I decided we could all enjoy the aquarium and still do a time-in so I said, “Okay, let’s walk. Hold my hand please.” (I should mention that Loreli usually likes to hold my hand and at ten years old is not yet embarrassed by it. Also the point of the time-in is to have her right next to me where she can feel, unconsciously, safety of Mom) She refused. I said, “We can hold hands or I can hold your wrist.” She again refused, muttering under her breath. I took her wrist and we all wandered. About every ten steps she would say, “I’m ready to talk now.” I would look down into her flashing eyes and say, “No you’re not.” This happened…seven times maybe? Looking back on this now I realize that what I was responding with was so inflammatory! Next time I will use a tactic I’ve employed with great success: “Okay, thanks for letting me know. I’ll let you know when I’m ready too.” It still ticks her off but to a lesser extent and gives her extra time to calm herself and actuallly be ready to talk with me. I hate that I didn’t do that this time but a time-in in public was new to me and I was figuring it out as I went along.

Most interesting to me was that my first reaction wasn’t, “Oh my God! It’s all going to hell, like always.” Or “Damn, now what?” For the first time in maybe ever, I went straight to sitting quietly with them. I didn’t argue. I didn’t lecture. We sat. Progress!

And what I’ve found to be the most important thing about time-ins is that they give everyone a chance to breathe. The kids may be huffing and puffing in fury but if I just sit and let my inner critic say what she is going to say, “Everyone is looking at you. Now what? You’re so incompetent!” look at those words and say, “Nope,” and move on—all is well. When I open my heart and listen to my Inner Voice I can figure anything out.

With my heart open, I realized that Daniel, being highly sensitive, had a physical shock to his system when Loreli crashed into him. He also has had enough experience with Loreli to know that she might be slamming into him because she’s being mean. Hitting wasn’t the answer but I understood it. 

With my heart open, I realized that Loreli still has an issue with body awareness. She had been ping-ponging around the aquarium partly in excitement and partly in fear. I might have asked her what she was worried about earlier in the trip. Her yelling at Daniel after he hit her was understandable too.

Being angry with me is also understandable. They were both angry with each other and they knew by sitting with me they would have to work it out and that’s a sucky feeling when you’re angry!

My heart said, “Be at peace. It’s okay. This is a small thing to work through.”

The four of us stopped at a petting tank where they had horseshoe crabs. I almost didn’t allow her to join in but realized that I was being punitive. Then I heard my Inner Voice say, “Dogs.” Oh! Yes! When we first started time-ins, I noticed that the dogs were drawn to Loreli during that time. My first reaction was to not allow it (ugh), but then I felt in my bones it was important so I just sat quietly and let it unfold. Through my many experiences of time-ins with Loreli, if the dogs came to her, the time-in was over faster. She is more willing to be calm and speak civilly. It’s pretty miraculous to watch. So, I watched as Loreli went to the far end of the tank, as far away from me as she could get. She swished her hands in the water (water is also a great soother) and touched the crabs.

Less than a minute after we were done with that she said, “I’m sorry Mom,” and actually meant it.

The healing power of animals is incredible, whether they are horses, dogs, or horseshoe crabs!

*And for those who are curious, like me, about why there are Tigers at the aquarium, the aquarium participates in the AZA's (Association of Zoos and Aquariums) Species Survival Plan for Sumatran Tigers.