Sad, depressed, relieved, scared, resigned

We need prayers, good thoughts, positive energy sent our way. Loreli hurt Onya on purpose again a couple of days ago because she was angry with me telling her to take a shower before her brother. The cycle of abuse continues.

I have been spending all of my energy on protecting Daniel and the dogs (and putting myself in the way of the abuse instead) and I finally realized that no matter what I do or don't do, as the case may be, I can't "fix" her. I can lead her to healing but I can't make her accept it. She continues the cycle: abuse, honeymoon period (no saying or acting sorry, just suddenly starting to hug us and sit close), then as soon as we get sucked back in she goes back to the same scary behavior. I don't know how to get her to stop hurting us. No consequence makes any difference whatsoever.

I'm beginning to wonder if this is something more than Reactive Attachment Disorder. The hurting Daniel and/or the dogs on purpose is a very frightening behavior. Currently she's in full day daycare which she enjoys, they have structure, and she's safe (she doesn't show the scary behaviors outside of the home.) AND, we are safe--it's an incredible feeling and Daniel is flourishing in that safety. She mostly has these behaviors when Brad isn't here. They are aimed at me, Daniel, and the dogs and when I shield them, it's intensified toward me. She has to stay in my sight because I can't trust her but that just makes me a target. Better me than them, but it's a hellish price to pay. What does this teach Daniel? That it's okay to take abuse? Does he understand the situation? This is my daughter, I can't divorce her. What's next?

As I look back through this past year of doing the program we've been on, I've realized that this cycle has been going on since she got home at four years old. Through the early years, even after I got Rayn, and did the program--the cycle has never stopped.

The feeling of failure is strong. The feeling of relief when she's at daycare is just as strong.

It's absolutely shocking that nothing has really helped and that in the past year the "hurting" behaviors have escalated. We've all heard the stories of the kind of adults who hurt younger siblings and animals when they were children. It's not good. The options of where to go from here are grim.