Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day that we take our ten year old daughter to a psychiatrist. I can't believe I'm even saying that.

This is just so hard. The past week Loreli has been on an upswing. Because...well who knows. But it's hard to not get sucked into sweet Loreli. It's so sad to fully realize the cycle: as soon as I drop my guard and fall in love once more she changes the game and her anger takes over--when I love her she becomes terrified that I will abandon her. I understand that it is likely the feeling she has about her biological mother. She loved Loreli and then had to let her go. I don't think she can help the cycle but it hurts the rest of us all the same.

She's still in daycare everyday, mostly from 9-5 so she's safe, reasonably happy and has a lot of structure. But how do I answer the question, "Am I going to take swimming lessons too?" I can't keep putting Daniel, the dogs, and myself in harms way. Walking on eggshells, worried about what will set her off and how bad it will be. It's exhausting. But seeing her earnest little face and eyes, "Am I going to take swimming lessons too?" is painful and sad. What do I say to that?

UPDATE from an hour later:

Me: I just wrote about not knowing what to say to you when you ask, "Do I get to take swimming lessons too?" You know, I'm sad and confused and scared and I just don't know what to do at this point. You aren't doing anything extra, as far as swimming lessons or anything else because we are on hold right now, while we figure out what our next step is going to be. I have been holding back these past few weeks, trying not to connect with you much, both out of anger from when you hurt Onya last and also wondering if this will help you stay on an even keel. You have been pretty even this week but there's no telling, really, why that is, not yet. I want to show you I love you but if I do then the other Loreli comes out and there is no stopping her.

Loreli: Maybe the doctor will help us.

Me: That's what we are hoping for.

I want you to know that sending you to daycare everyday isn't a punishment. It's just the only way I know how to keep Daniel, the dogs, and me safe. You know how you get really mad and then sometimes you hurt one of us? You being in daycare lessens the chances of that happening. Remember the cycle that we talked about? The one where you are happy to be loved and then the other Loreli can't have that connection and decides to lash out? That part really hurts you, and all of us. It's taken me a long time to realize that loving you is important but protecting our family is important too. Abuse actually damages the person being abused and while I love you, I can't continue to allow us to suffer from that abuse. I don't know if you can't stop this cycle or if you don't want to, or if you want to but just don't know how. I hope we can figure it out.

I understand that me coming in here, telling you this, showing emotion and crying about it, and you listening and understanding, is a connection and that connection will cause you to lash out at me soon. But I just wanted to talk with you about daycare and what's going on so that at least this part of you, this Loreli, knows that I love you, I want that connection, I know you do too, and I understand that you either won't or can't have it. I hope there is a way and that someday you'll allow it.

Me: Crying crying crying through the whole thing

Loreli: A great big hug at the end of it all, holding on tight and squeezing me for a long time. Somewhere in there is my child. I hope she can find her way out.

Focusing on "rare"

The thought of having a child with a mental illness is overwhelming. It's funny how I've not thought of it this way for the nearly six years she's been home. RAD is a mental illness brought about by trauma but somehow I've always thought that I could find a way through it for her--if I just kept learning, changing, researching, reading, changing some more, understanding trauma in general and her trauma specifically, talking with her--if I just, if I just, if I just. It's also possible that this isn't "just" RAD--as if RAD isn't enough to deal with. Poor girl. Poor us.

And it seems so stupid now. "If I just" seems ridiculous. I can't fix mental illness. It's possible that this is too severe for anyone to fix. That's the saddest thing ever. It is possible that if she wants to, she might be able to work through it over time but it's also just as possible that even that wouldn't work, that this is just the way her brain is.

I'm trying to wrap my head around that idea. Because seeing the worst case scenario is a coping mechanism for me. It feels like, somehow, I won't be as hurt if it happens that way, if I think about it first. Which, sadly, doesn't work. I'm still just as horrified on the rare occasion that the worst happens. I guess I need to focus on that. It's rare that the worst happens.

So, this week, we are going to visit a nurse practitioner of integrative psychiatry. She is supposed to be all about finding ways to help that don't involve medication unless absolutely necessary. I'm happy about that. It sounds like there are lots of ways to try before we go that route. I have a ton of paperwork/questions to fill out on Loreli's behalf and then ask her all the same questions to get her take on it.

I'm just hoping and praying that something will help her.

Siblings

Today Daniel and I went to the pool and we took some neighborhood friends. A brother and sister pair. I was shocked to the point of tears (that I stuffed down) to see the siblings caring about each other. Sure, there was a little bit of nitpicking, but over all, wow. I was reminded of my brother and me. That bond was the reason I wanted to adopt a sibling for Daniel. There are times when they get along but so often she is mean to him. And Daniel just retreats into himself. It breaks my heart. With Loreli in daycare the past few weeks, Daniel and I get to go play and now we are inviting friends who I haven't felt comfortable inviting in...well, ever. Watching the three of them being silly and ENGAGED was a balm for my soul and an arrow to my heart.

I feel such guilt. This is not the life I want my sweet boy to have to live.

Daniel to Loreli: I love you Loreli!
Loreli: I don't love you.

The shock and hurt on his face is crushing.

Clarification and a dream

I need to clarify something--the dogs are okay, Daniel is okay. When I say that Loreli hurts them, it's sneaky, small things, nothing that will permanently harm, yet. As closely as I watch I can't have eyes on them 24/7. I have two video monitors that I use too. I've been thinking about this a lot this past week. I've realized this behavior has been going on for the entire time she's been home, almost 6 years. I'm horrified to realize how much I've swept under the rug in hopes that she would heal over time. In hopes that I could "fix" her.

Last night I had a dream:

I was standing in the kid's school, next to the lockers that Loreli will be using this coming up year. I had a bowl of Oreos in my hand. The Oreos were the "keys" to the locks on the lockers. I knew that the Oreos had always opened the locker doors but this time, each Oreo I picked up from the bowl wasn't whole enough to fit into the lock. I looked down into the bowl and the Oreos had fallen apart and none could be used. I was scared and upset. I sifted through them to the bottom and found one that I thought was whole. I was excited but when I carefully lifted it out, I realized that it was only about three-quarters of the cookie and it began slowly crumbling in my hand.

You know, the way all my hopes and dreams are crumbling. Pretty telling that the "keys" to the locker-that-is-Loreli are crumbling and useless as I begin to realize that there is more wrong here than I can "fix".

In the coaching program we are taught that it's not our job to fix everything, it's the client's job. And in Loreli's case, she can't do this for herself. Experts are needed.

Fault

The fault I can accept is that, in trying to protect Brad from Loreli's horrible behavior, he now only knows the behavior I have allowed him to see. My protection was exactly that, protection but the other piece of it was my own insistence upon being able to handle it all myself. Yuck.

Sad, depressed, relieved, scared, resigned

We need prayers, good thoughts, positive energy sent our way. Loreli hurt Onya on purpose again a couple of days ago because she was angry with me telling her to take a shower before her brother. The cycle of abuse continues.

I have been spending all of my energy on protecting Daniel and the dogs (and putting myself in the way of the abuse instead) and I finally realized that no matter what I do or don't do, as the case may be, I can't "fix" her. I can lead her to healing but I can't make her accept it. She continues the cycle: abuse, honeymoon period (no saying or acting sorry, just suddenly starting to hug us and sit close), then as soon as we get sucked back in she goes back to the same scary behavior. I don't know how to get her to stop hurting us. No consequence makes any difference whatsoever.

I'm beginning to wonder if this is something more than Reactive Attachment Disorder. The hurting Daniel and/or the dogs on purpose is a very frightening behavior. Currently she's in full day daycare which she enjoys, they have structure, and she's safe (she doesn't show the scary behaviors outside of the home.) AND, we are safe--it's an incredible feeling and Daniel is flourishing in that safety. She mostly has these behaviors when Brad isn't here. They are aimed at me, Daniel, and the dogs and when I shield them, it's intensified toward me. She has to stay in my sight because I can't trust her but that just makes me a target. Better me than them, but it's a hellish price to pay. What does this teach Daniel? That it's okay to take abuse? Does he understand the situation? This is my daughter, I can't divorce her. What's next?

As I look back through this past year of doing the program we've been on, I've realized that this cycle has been going on since she got home at four years old. Through the early years, even after I got Rayn, and did the program--the cycle has never stopped.

The feeling of failure is strong. The feeling of relief when she's at daycare is just as strong.

It's absolutely shocking that nothing has really helped and that in the past year the "hurting" behaviors have escalated. We've all heard the stories of the kind of adults who hurt younger siblings and animals when they were children. It's not good. The options of where to go from here are grim.