Focusing on "rare"

The thought of having a child with a mental illness is overwhelming. It's funny how I've not thought of it this way for the nearly six years she's been home. RAD is a mental illness brought about by trauma but somehow I've always thought that I could find a way through it for her--if I just kept learning, changing, researching, reading, changing some more, understanding trauma in general and her trauma specifically, talking with her--if I just, if I just, if I just. It's also possible that this isn't "just" RAD--as if RAD isn't enough to deal with. Poor girl. Poor us.

And it seems so stupid now. "If I just" seems ridiculous. I can't fix mental illness. It's possible that this is too severe for anyone to fix. That's the saddest thing ever. It is possible that if she wants to, she might be able to work through it over time but it's also just as possible that even that wouldn't work, that this is just the way her brain is.

I'm trying to wrap my head around that idea. Because seeing the worst case scenario is a coping mechanism for me. It feels like, somehow, I won't be as hurt if it happens that way, if I think about it first. Which, sadly, doesn't work. I'm still just as horrified on the rare occasion that the worst happens. I guess I need to focus on that. It's rare that the worst happens.

So, this week, we are going to visit a nurse practitioner of integrative psychiatry. She is supposed to be all about finding ways to help that don't involve medication unless absolutely necessary. I'm happy about that. It sounds like there are lots of ways to try before we go that route. I have a ton of paperwork/questions to fill out on Loreli's behalf and then ask her all the same questions to get her take on it.

I'm just hoping and praying that something will help her.