Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day that we take our ten year old daughter to a psychiatrist. I can't believe I'm even saying that.

This is just so hard. The past week Loreli has been on an upswing. Because...well who knows. But it's hard to not get sucked into sweet Loreli. It's so sad to fully realize the cycle: as soon as I drop my guard and fall in love once more she changes the game and her anger takes over--when I love her she becomes terrified that I will abandon her. I understand that it is likely the feeling she has about her biological mother. She loved Loreli and then had to let her go. I don't think she can help the cycle but it hurts the rest of us all the same.

She's still in daycare everyday, mostly from 9-5 so she's safe, reasonably happy and has a lot of structure. But how do I answer the question, "Am I going to take swimming lessons too?" I can't keep putting Daniel, the dogs, and myself in harms way. Walking on eggshells, worried about what will set her off and how bad it will be. It's exhausting. But seeing her earnest little face and eyes, "Am I going to take swimming lessons too?" is painful and sad. What do I say to that?

UPDATE from an hour later:

Me: I just wrote about not knowing what to say to you when you ask, "Do I get to take swimming lessons too?" You know, I'm sad and confused and scared and I just don't know what to do at this point. You aren't doing anything extra, as far as swimming lessons or anything else because we are on hold right now, while we figure out what our next step is going to be. I have been holding back these past few weeks, trying not to connect with you much, both out of anger from when you hurt Onya last and also wondering if this will help you stay on an even keel. You have been pretty even this week but there's no telling, really, why that is, not yet. I want to show you I love you but if I do then the other Loreli comes out and there is no stopping her.

Loreli: Maybe the doctor will help us.

Me: That's what we are hoping for.

I want you to know that sending you to daycare everyday isn't a punishment. It's just the only way I know how to keep Daniel, the dogs, and me safe. You know how you get really mad and then sometimes you hurt one of us? You being in daycare lessens the chances of that happening. Remember the cycle that we talked about? The one where you are happy to be loved and then the other Loreli can't have that connection and decides to lash out? That part really hurts you, and all of us. It's taken me a long time to realize that loving you is important but protecting our family is important too. Abuse actually damages the person being abused and while I love you, I can't continue to allow us to suffer from that abuse. I don't know if you can't stop this cycle or if you don't want to, or if you want to but just don't know how. I hope we can figure it out.

I understand that me coming in here, telling you this, showing emotion and crying about it, and you listening and understanding, is a connection and that connection will cause you to lash out at me soon. But I just wanted to talk with you about daycare and what's going on so that at least this part of you, this Loreli, knows that I love you, I want that connection, I know you do too, and I understand that you either won't or can't have it. I hope there is a way and that someday you'll allow it.

Me: Crying crying crying through the whole thing

Loreli: A great big hug at the end of it all, holding on tight and squeezing me for a long time. Somewhere in there is my child. I hope she can find her way out.