An awareness of triggers...

Earlier this week I took Loreli to the horses. As you can see we had a great time :-) Remi (the bay) and Rayn (our horse, the dappled grey) spent a lot of time playing and working with Loreli. And Loreli, for the first time ever, opened up, let the fear of closeness fade, and ALLOWED. I had my good camera with me, thank God, and was able to capture the moments that made my heart sing. If you've been following our progress both here and on my Facebook page The White Horse Whispers you know just how much this meant to me.

Loreli and I were both soaring high for the rest of the evening. A little blip went off on my radar screen at dinner when I watched Loreli get over-excited about something, pushing her way into getting in trouble. My Inner Voice said, "Hiro." If you remember, Hiro is Loreli's alter ego, the survivor child who believes with all her heart that bonding=abandonment.

What Loreli and I experienced at the farm was a whole boatload of bonding. Not just, "yay, we are getting along!" but bonding on several levels: Mom loves horses, Mom works with horses, Mom talks to horses and the horses talk to her, I love horses, the horses love me, I love being out here with Mom and the horses, maybe I love Mom. Whew. That's a lot of stuff going on internally.

So, when I saw Hiro looking at me out of the corner of her eye, I said to Loreli, "Boy, I sure did have fun at the farm with you today! Being with the horses just feels good doesn't it?"

"Remember how Hiro likes to create 'paybacks' for you? How she hates it when we feel close because closeness is so scary for her? How her experience is bonding equals abandonment? Maybe we need to keep an eye out for her for the next few days. If you feel her poking her head up, you let me know okay? Maybe she's starting to let go a little. You were able to be really open to the horses today and to me too so maybe she's starting to believe us a little, believe that having fun together and bonding, equals safety."

Part of me says, jeez, don't even put it out there, verbally, law of attraction and all that. The other part of me has lived with Loreli for 5 years. I see us working through the layers of trauma and coming out the other side but I think it's so important to have an awareness around the scary stuff.

Yesterday I talked with someone who asked me, "Do you think that Loreli will ever get better?" This woman and I share a background, we both had emotionally abusive husbands in our past. I told her it took me...maybe 8 years of being in a relationship with Brad before I consistently realized that certain things triggered fear in me. Fear from my past marriage. Once I began to recognize those triggers I made leaps and bounds in my healing. Brad isn't James. Brad has never been James. Brad will never be James.

In my experience, awareness of triggers is key.

For Loreli one of the triggers is closeness, particularly to me. I'm aware. I hope bringing that awareness is a good first step for her too.