Are YOU my mother?

Remember the book Are You My Mother? 

I was talking to a friend about the day Gladys was here doing Loreli's hair and I suddenly realized, as it was coming out of my mouth, that Loreli's behavior with Gladys was fear.

Fear that we would give her to Gladys.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. Why didn't I realize this sooner? GAH!

It's a song and dance, like a routine, that happens around adults. It's a "Hey, hey! Look at me! I hope I'm amazing enough for you to want to take me home! I'm so silly! I'm so crazy! I'm a little girl! I'm a young woman! If I could figure out what you wanted I'd be that so you'll love me enough to take me home! Watch me pose! Oooo and ahhh over how cute and precocious I am! Do you love me now? Will I belong to you? Or you? Or you? I don't care who, just please protect and save me! Someone...anyone...please..."

I am heartbroken. How did I not recognize it?

And even though she's been with us for almost 5 years she still does it, proving what came out during Gladys's visit really is true: Loreli truly believes that at any moment we might send her back to the orphanage in Ethiopia, or just give her away to another family. So she does her song and dance to every adult she meets, hoping that if THEY are the person we are going to give her to, well, just maybe she can be enough for them to love her.

Since we have started the Family Intervention Program (FIP) I have put a stop to those behaviors she shows when she is with us but now that we are out in the world a bit, or in the case of Gladys, the world comes to us--the behavior pops back up.

Now that I know what it is I can work on it with her. Don't know how yet but I know between the horses and my Inner Voice, some answers will come.

Brad has noticed twice now, at the coffee shop both times, that if she doesn't do the song and dance, she doesn't know WHAT to do. He says she reverts back to a very little girl who is shy and withdrawn. It sounds to me that it could be two things: she might be playing a game because she knows it's going to get attention or she might be filling in one of those important gaps that children of trauma have. Could she be just starting to learn that we are safe—just a tiny bit? Because of that feeling of safety could she be reverting back to a younger age and filling in that gap?

"What about the bubbly two-year- old who smiles and waves at every stranger, but who at age three turns into a clam? Mothers often worry about what they did to cause such a personality reversal. The answer usually is “nothing.” Before age two, many children are spontaneous. They act before they think, especially in social relations. Between two and four years of age, children go through a second phase of stranger anxiety, as they become afraid of people they don’t know."  

--Dr. Sears 

Loreli was left at the orphanage at age 3 and adopted at age 4.

Many people came in and out of the orphanage, taking children away. Back then when parents were getting ready to travel, waiting families would send a care package to their child via traveling parents. I have a couple hundred photos of traveling families posing with Loreli. Looking back I think, wow, that must have been so confusing to her. They would hug and kiss her, pose for a photo, maybe take a video and then leave with one of her friends. What she must have thought!

Having survived all that she did, why in the world would she ever believe that she is really staying with us forever? Of course she has to try to win over the next adult, in her mind, they might be her next short-term parents. I’m sure her mother told her she loved her, the orphanage workers probably told her the same but those people are no longer in her life so obviously saying, “I love you, you’ll always be with us.” means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to her. Why would it?

Can you imagine living with that uncertainty?

How will that be healed?

My job isn't to always know the "how,” it's just to believe it can happen.