Daniel has been having a tough time with Loreli’s version of the FIP because if it’s just me and the kids we have had to stay home. Now that she’s been doing better we are taking them out more, here and there, to see how she does. So far it’s been pretty good. If I see the tiniest of grumpy faces I say, “What is Hiro saying to you?”and Loreli smiles and comes out of it.
I preface every outing with, “This time at the coffee shop, lake, etc. is family time. No one will get their way 100% of the time. Not Daddy, Mommy, Daniel or Loreli. I expect the same behavior we have at home."
But I still find myself slipping back into letting things slide. She got pushy at the coffee shop, insisting that she have an Italian soda. I let it slide. As I write this—I can’t believe it. I didn’t even see it then! Looking at it now I remember that I got that icky feeling but I think because we were in public and the place was pretty full, I let it go. I can’t believe I’m only seeing this now, days later. ARRRRRGGGH. She’s still grabbing control wherever we are. I’m such an idiot.
We were wrapping up at the lake yesterday evening and the kids were playing in the shallows with a kickboard. I called them in and Loreli came tearing in, pushing the kickboard in front of her, not using it, just keeping it away from Daniel, while Daniel yelled, “Loreli! Wait! I want a turn!” Loreli, had this weird look on her face. It said, “NO! It’s mine. You can’t have it.” all the while using my call for them to come in as an excuse to keep the kickboard away from Daniel. I had her stop and give him a turn with it and she pushed it hard at him and it ended up whacking him in the nose. He burst into tears and Loreli looked both triumphant and mad. Hiro was back.
To top both of those instances off—Brad was busy ordering and paying at the coffee shop so he didn’t see it and he was going back and forth to the car at the lake so he only saw the part where Daniel was crying. She was mad and standing defiantly in front of me and Daniel was crying in the water. He was fine and was just being dramatic after the first few minutes. I felt completely stuck. Avoidance behavior snuck in and I let the whole thing go. How are they ever going to learn how to deal with life and correct behavior when I just back the hell off and let things slide by?
Why does it take me writing about it before I can see it clearly? At the time, it just felt icky but I couldn’t find the nuances behind those 30 seconds snippets and what it all meant. The lake looked like an accident and in reality it probably was but Loreli’s facial expressions speak volumes about what is really going on inside her head.
I think we aren’t taking it slow enough with her. I think she needs more time with just us and not out in public. Brad and I are so hoping that she will just miraculously get better with two and a half weeks of intensive family time but it took her at least six years to get here—two and a half weeks is NOTHING. We have to carry on.
The truth of that is like getting kicked in the stomach and brings tears to my eyes.
How long is this going to take?!?
How can a nine year old kid take on two intelligent adults and WIN?
We have to go back to the original way. She needs to be home and learning the right way to handle things before she can go out. We tried going out and the above is what we got, even if we didn’t recognize it right away. Dr. Federici says when the parents think it’s time to give going out a try then do it! If the child reverts to previous behavior in any way then it’s another week at home with her parents.
As I read back on this blog post I have to laugh a little, you can totally see my progression of thinking as I wrote it. "You know, things aren't too bad...no wait...oh shit."