Throw Back Thursday...Using pee as a weapon

I wrote this in 2010 after my first experience with Loreli peeing on the floor. She had been with us for just over a year and was 5.5 years old.

I look at it now and think about how Loreli’s behavior changed for the worse at the end of this school year and how easily I slipped back into, “Holy shit! I don’t know what to do! What if she never gets better? I’m scared! I’m worried for Daniel! I’m worried for the dogs! WHAT IF SHE NEVER GETS BETTER??”

What a bunch of yuck. I know I’m always learning and I come through the other side with new knowledge but God, going through the Tunnel of Hell is terrifying and there isn't a lot of clear thought in there.

But now I have TOOLS. Coaching tools, horse tools, Dr. Federici tools, Heather Forbes tools--they have all come together to form a new way. Now when I have a short jaunt through that damn Tunnel I hang up signs that remind me what those tools are.

From September 2011 to September 2012 I didn’t write. I was lost in the Tunnel of Hell. There were no answers. I used every avoidance behavior/coping mechanism I knew to unhook from my life. I don’t drink and I don’t do drugs but I do ignore. I couldn’t even look Loreli in the eye at that point. I was going through the motions of being a parent but I wasn’t present.

When I bought my mare Rayn in September 2012 I started to write again but not publicly. It took another full year before I started to blog again.

Sometimes I get asked, “How can you blog about this? It should be kept private!” To the first part I answer: There were over 7,000 adoptions in 2013 alone. The word adoption is synonymous with trauma. Children are not available for adoption because they have a happy home life but because something traumatic has happened. The trauma continues to pile on when they are taken to an orphanage and then again when they are taken from that orphanage to their new home with their adoptive parents. So there were 7,000+ new families in 2013 alone, who were living with a traumatized little person in their families. If you’ve never adopted I can tell you that the best word I can think of to describe this is:

ISOLATION.

No one understood what we were going through and some didn’t believe that it could be as bad as it was.

Because children with trauma act in such covert ways, we parents begin to doubt our own sanity. Parents of children who come from trauma need support and there isn’t a lot of that out there. We need to hear, “It’s not all in your head. This is really happening to you. You aren’t alone.” AND we need to know that we shouldn't be hiding, we aren't doing anything wrong, it's okay to be honest and say we are lost, that we need help.

When I started writing about my life I began receiving private emails saying, “Thank you so much. It helps to know I’m not alone.” And that’s the reason I do it. In my juliamacmonagle blog I just wrote about day to day stuff, when things would work and when they wouldn’t. Mostly when they wouldn’t. I didn’t have any answers. I read constantly, I tried this and that. Some would work for a bit but we would often end up back at square one. Now, I feel like I have a tiny clue and I'm learning more every day. This Family Intervention Program is all encompassing and we are ALL having to learn new ways of communicating and living as a family. This is a blend of General Julie, Heather Forbes, Dr. Federici, and the herd of horses I spend time with. This is a compilation of 5 years with Loreli, 7 years as a parent to my adopted babies, 16 years as a step-parent, and 44 years of learning. Something really special is happening.

In a year or so I’ll graduate my Equine Gestalt Coaching program and will be taking on clients. My niche will be families like mine—who have children who are suffering from a trauma background. When you are making a decision about who to see, who can help you, know that the horses and I are waiting for you and I am intimately familiar with your life. You are not alone. There is help.

My goals: to help Loreli and Daniel know that they have found a safe place to land, to BE that safe place for my kids, and to help, with the horses assistance, other parents to be that safe place for their kids. It’s not just all about these kids, it’s about the entire family coming together to make a new whole.

Throw Back Thursday post: I look at this now with new eyes. How would it have worked out if I knew then what I know now?

November 3, 2010 

I just kept tossing and turning--couldn't sleep with all this crap in my head.

3:30 Pick up from school. I say, "Let's go home, have a snack and a shower!" Trying to be upbeat. Sometimes works, sometimes doesn't.

3:30:30 Get in car. Daniel says, "Hi Loreli!" and Loreli (as she does every day) ignores him. My heart breaks a little (as it does every day) for my sweet boy.
3:30:35 Loreli demands (for the 100th day) to buy something at the table outside the school. I don't know who they are...PTA maybe? But they sell chips, Capri Sun, candy, etc. I give her the same answer I give every day since they started selling there, "No. We'll go home and have a snack." (a healthier snack)
3:30:45 Loreli wails
3:32 Loreli whines, "I don't want to take a shower. I'm not dirty."
3:32--3:33 Repeats above in a chant.
3:33:01 I tell her she can't speak again until we get home.
3:33:02 Daniel realizes the drama is over and starts telling me about things he sees the rest of the way home. We talk about all the different cars on the road.
3:36 We arrive home. I unbuckle Loreli while she stares dead eyed ahead. I ignore it and unbuckle Daniel.

3:37 Unlock the door. Loreli whines that she doesn't want to take a shower. I ask if she wants a snack first. She pulls out a mini pack of M&Ms her computer teacher handed out. I tell her she can have them after dinner. She can have a regular snack now (crackers, fruit, Fig Newmans).
3:38 Screaming crying fit because I wouldn't let her eat candy for snack.
3:39 I tell her to go upstairs and start the shower. She goes up the stairs so slowly I'm not sure she's moving. Every time I look up the stairs she stares back at me defiantly. I breathe.
3:40 I go upstairs to make sure she's getting her clothes off and the water is running. So far so good.
3:41 I go back downstairs and turn on a Sid the Science Kid for Daniel to watch (I've done this many times before) while I help Loreli. (She says she's washed everything but we've caught her in the lie so I stand there and say, "Wash your face, wash your arms, wash your belly, etc")
3:44 Back upstairs. Loreli's clothes are on the floor and she's just closing the curtain. She gives me a bizarre, defiant, hard look.  Split seconds here: I walk in the bathroom and notice there is water on the carpet (the sink area is carpeted and the toilet/bath area is hard surface) just as I step on the edge of the...puddle. Really?? WTH? Did she pour multiple dixie cups on the floor? And then the smell hits me. She peed. She peed a huge bladder full of pee right on the carpet. OMFG. It's about 18 inches by 10 inches and it is not damp, it is a puddle.
3:45 I'm sad to say, I lost it. I pulled her out of the shower. I yelled. I smacked her butt twice. I yelled some more.

3:46 Back into the shower. I stand there with steam coming out of my ears telling her to wash body parts. She looks calm and happy now. She calmly washes at the speed of a snail. I take the soap and wash her head to toe in 2.5 seconds. Dry her and get her lotion on. Put her in her room and shut the door. I can't freak out again. Mommy needs a time-out.

I know the calm, happy child after the fact is because a RAD kid is just doing the control thing and she wants you to flip out so her outside world can match her crazy inside world. That is so sad. I know this. And they push until they get it. It's ever so much fun to be the pushee in this little game. I get comments all the time about how calm I am in the face of the crazy. I FIGHT for that control, that calm. I HATE THESE GAMES. I'm so sick of it all. This pee episode is not the straw that broke the camel's back but that camel's back is definitely becoming a swayed.

I'm so wiped out. I thought things were getting a little better. She's been with us a year. The thought of YEARS of this is horrifying, mind-boggling. What if she never gets better?

I don't know. I've known up to this point but today I just don't know. I've never considered disruption before. It did pop into my mind this afternoon. That scares me. The idea that she may not get better scares me. The idea that I may be screwing her up worse scares me. The idea that I may be screwing Daniel up scares me. I'm sad for us all. I'm sad for Onya (our sweet dog), who at my raised eyebrow toward Loreli will run up the steps and hide under the bed.

I've stuffed a lot of fear and ramped up my own hypervigilance in order to keep Daniel and Onya safe. I feel like my head is on a swivel and my ears are constantly perked. I cannot relax when Loreli is in the house.

Yesterday we were outside playing with friends. Another friend came over with her tiny Shitzu puppy. She let her off leash to run. Loreli kept chasing her and trying to fall around (in reality, ON) her. Scared me. I told her multiple times to stop. I finally put her in time out. She was very angry. Onya is always off leash too and has learned to stay away from Loreli.

Last night the kids and I were going up to bed. Daniel was on the stairs, wallering around on the second stair--half crawling up the stairs just fooling around, I turned my back to throw something in the trash. Daniel started crying, Loreli kept barreling right on by him. Daniel was crying and holding his stomach and told me, "Loreli stepped on my belly!" She kept going up the stairs like she didn't care. Which she doesn't, because she has no conscience. I was horrified. I took her arm and walked her back down the stairs. I told her she can't step on her brother. I yelled. She cried. Sigh. I'm not perfect. I hate that I can't be. I took Daniel up and got him ready for bed and then had Loreli go up and she got ready for bed.

This morning we were all getting ready for the day/Loreli off to school. Daniel comes in rubbing his eye and looking on the verge of tears. My super sonic hearing hadn't heard anything weird. I asked him what was wrong. He says, "Loreli spit in my eye." WTH?? Loreli was in her room getting dressed. I told her when she finished getting dressed and making her bed she could come out and I closed the door. Much screaming from Loreli's room.

Ever since we got her home and even more since we've realized that she goes into Daniel's room at night, I've been freaked out about what she might do to Daniel. She's not a healthy kid. I've just realized that my reaction of, "Oh look, she's checking on him." is just hope. And that's stupid of me. So, I'm buying a door alarm. Maybe I'll be able to sleep better knowing if she leaves her room at night I'll always know it.

I don't think I ever blogged about that. We thought that Loreli was going into Daniel's room, turning on the light, and leaving the door open. Luckily he's always been asleep and stayed that way. This last time Mom was here she actually saw her get up, her eyes were open but she didn't appear awake, walk into Daniel's room, turn on the light, and leave the door open. Another time I heard her crying at the top of the stairs. I asked her what was wrong and she said she couldn't find Daniel. My heart thundering, I raced up the stairs. He was curled up at the very top of his bed. She just couldn't see him when she went in there. Because of this I tried to stuff my fear and pretend she's just looking in on him. Maybe she is. But he's been hurt enough by her I'm no longer going to trust that.

I'm also very sad that I'm not writing about Daniel and how much joy he brings to us every single day (even when he's being a bratty 3 year old! :-)) My life is consumed with the crazy swirling through Loreli. Thank God she's in full day kindergarten so I can focus on Daniel. Through the day he asks where Loreli is and I say, "Where do you think?" and he always says, school. At the end of the day he often says he doesn't want to pick her up though. Yeah. You and me both kid.

I'm going to try posting Daniel's fun and silly stuff for awhile. Stay tuned for some happy!

A really short one is that I trade preschool mornings with my friend down the street. She has Daniel Mon and Fri from 9-12 and I take Mason (who's also 3) Tue and Thur from 9-12. Today was our first day with Mason. We were in the car. I look back and there they are, singing songs and holding hands. That just gave me the biggest grin! :-)