Shooting star

I was just walking the dogs and thinking, "On the couple of mornings I've taken a few hours to spend with the horses I've spent the rest of the day with a happier outlook, an easy heart, and the knowledge that everything is going to be okay. I need to remember what they do for me. It is truly a miracle." 

And no kidding, a green shooting star went flying by. Wow.

Run with horses

I went to the farm on Monday and Rayn and I played clicker games and ran all around the pasture together. So much fun. Today it was raining and I almost didn't go out because of it but changed my mind at the last moment thinking--60 degrees and rain might equal fewer flies.

What a morning! Rayn came right to me and James followed her. I learned my lesson long ago--only give treats to Rayn, not all the horses or they will hound me the whole time I'm visiting that day. Today Rayn and I walked away from the group and James and Remi peeled off the herd and followed us. When Rayn and I started to run together, James and Remi trotted along behind us. At one point Rayn had a little spook and I looked back and the boys were running toward us. I heard pounding and realized the whole herd had started toward us from across the pasture. They met up with our little group and settled in after a lot of swirling around and greeting each other.

Rayn and I wandered off a bit and she wanted to run again. We took off running and the whole herd followed, when we got to the far end of the pasture everyone was so excited that there was a lot of squealing and bucking and rearing--including River rearing right in front of me! Wow, they are REALLY high in the air when they do that! I put my hand up while thinking, "Easy now, that's both exciting and scary for me." and he came right back down to all fours and trotted off to play with someone who understood him better than a silly two-legged :-)  I imagine if this continues that rearing won't be so intimidating.

Rayn and I started running in the opposite direction and again, the whole herd followed, streaming past us, wet manes flowing and tails flagged. Rayn stopped when I did, arched her neck, and danced next to me, both wanting her treat and wanting to run. I gave her a treat and said, "Go!" and she ran like the wind to try to catch up with the herd. I've never seen her in a full out gallop before! Beautiful!

I wandered around to the other side of the pasture and back to the herd. There is a pond and wetland area that bisects the pasture so it took some time to get back. I watched from afar as several horses went down in the mud for a good roll and the rest pranced around, still excited from the run.

I called to Rayn when I got closer. She and five other horses came to me and after some trotting around the five went running back to the rest of the group. Rayn stayed with me, so close we were nearly touching and it occurred to me that she might be offering help. I had been picking my way through the mud, trying not to fall. I put my hand on her back and she stayed with me the whole way, walking slowly by my side. I stopped to give her a treat and then said, "Ok, let's walk." and she continued to stay with me. What a sweet girl. I've not had her offer her help like that before.

I've ridden galloping horses and I've run with horses. Running with them is so much more fun :-) I thanked the herd, repeatedly, for playing with me and drove home with a huge smile on my face.

Jewel is visiting

Brad and I took the kids to the coffee shop this morning. It's Loreli's first outing since our SunRose Cafe lunch last week. No issues. Stopped at the grocery store on the way home to pick up all the ingredients for chicken stew. No issues.

This afternoon we drove to south Denver, about an hour away, to pick up a stand up paddle board that Brad found on craigslist for me. Raining, raining, raining all day. Daniel had his umbrella and we're guessing Loreli's is in one of the bags we packed away when we emptied her room. She went to grab mine. I said, "You are supposed to ask for permission." which is part of the FIP that we are on. I said we would just put it in the car for when we got to the meeting place. For the next 5 minutes she bugged me incessantly about the umbrella, "Mom, mom, can I have the umbrella?" I told her no several times as I ran around the house as moms do before we leave to go somewhere. Windows and doors locked, purse, phone, bluetooth, etc. As we were walking out the door she tried to pull the umbrella out of my hand and I said sharply, "Loreli! You are being pushy! Stop it! Get in the car and you can have it when we get there!"

Everyone climbed in the van and I could feel the simmer behind me. Ugh.

I gave everyone a minute, got settled and seatbelted and looked back at Daniel and then Loreli. "How are you guys?" Daniel says, "Good!" and Loreli says, "Okay." I raised my eyebrows at her and said, "You're okay?"

"Yeah." She actually looked okay.

"OMG! Jewel! Good job!" and she grinned at me.

When we arrived at the parking lot of REI, where we were meeting this guy, she and Daniel hopped out and started playing with their umbrellas in the grass. I looked over to check on them in between talking to the guy. I saw the umbrella she was using was bent, when it hadn't been before. The rain was really coming down. I took the umbrella and told her to go get in the car. She did, without complaint or tears or any anger at all. Shocking.

About 20 minutes later we were headed home in Denver traffic. It took us an hour and a half to get home. No issues.

Playing with Daniel--no issues.

Taking a shower--no issues.

Doing her hair--no issues.

Not only no issues but fun to be around!

So, is it the honeymoon period or are we over the hump?

Hiro and Jewel

This morning Loreli and Daniel were unloading the dishwasher. I was near but only glancing at them once in awhile. I heard Daniel say, "Loreli! Be careful! You hurt me!"

I looked over and Loreli was frozen in place, fear in her eyes. She had several small bowls in her left hand and a large sharp knife in her right. The two of them had turned at the same moment and run into each other. The knife had poked Daniel in the stomach. Under his shirt he had a tiny white mark, it hadn't even scratched his skin luckily.

"Oh my gosh you guys! Be careful! This kitchen is so tiny. Even Daddy and I have almost poked each other with knives. Loreli, I know it was an accident. It's okay. Put the knife and bowls down and come over here. It's okay, really."

Loreli came over with the "trauma look" plastered on her face. Big vacant eyes, blank face.

"Really. It's okay. It was an accident. Daniel knows it was an accident. I know it was an accident. How about you guys just leave any knife with a black handle in the dishwasher and Daddy or I will put them away. I'll let Daddy know too."

Loreli continued to sit on my lap in another place in her head.

I said quietly, "What is Hiro saying to you right now?"

She finally looked at me. "I don't know."

"Take a minute and see if you hear her."

A few minutes went by and I could see she knew but didn't want to say it. She said, "Jewel says it was an accident and it's not my fault."

"Jewel is right! What is Hiro saying to you?"

In a tiny voice Loreli said, "That it's ALL my fault."

"Ugh. That doesn't feel good does it? Well I know it was an accident and Jewel knows it was an accident. You know, Daddy has a funny saying. He says, 'Go pound salt.' It means 'bug off'. I think we should tell Hiro to go pound salt."

She giggled about that and we talked about more sayings like that and decided we would write them down to tell Hiro when she got out of hand:

Take a long walk off a short pier.

Go jump in the lake.

Go fly a kit.

Hit the road.

Take a hike.

Make like a ghost and disappear.

UPDATE! on The Big Guns-a bid for control (Hiro and Jewel)

Brad took Daniel to the grocery store and I stayed home with Loreli this evening. She was looking bright eyed and calm and I thought it might be a good time to talk about what had happened earlier in the day.I said, "You know, I really really don't EVER want to do that hold with you again. I will if I have to, but I really hope we never have to do that again."

We talked about what it felt like. She said she it definitely didn't feel like it did when I showed the kids what it was and when it was used. "That was fun!"

I asked her if she felt scared. She said no, just mad. I asked why it had happened in the first place, what started her fury? She said, "I didn't want to do my hair and I thought if I got really mad I would get away with not doing it." (I love it when she can be so honest!)

"Remember how we've talked about doing things the easy way and the hard way? Are you starting to figure out that a screaming fit and time-ins are the hard way?" she laughed about that.

"Yeah. It would be a lot easier to just do my hair."

"You know, sometimes I think we all have two people inside us, just like The Two Carolines. I think you have one Loreli, I don't even want to call her the "bad" Loreli because she is the one who helped you survive losing your family and got you through the orphanage. But she's also the one who tells you now, 5 years after being in our family, that we can't be trusted. That no one loves you. That you don't deserve a family. That you have to keep up your guard in case we decide to send you back.

And then there's the other Loreli that we see sometimes. The one with the bright, dancing eyes. The one who smiles and giggles and loves. That's the one we want to see more of.

Maybe you could give the two parts names. Can you think of a name for the Loreli who helped you survive?"

She thought about it a minute and said, "Hiro."

I thought she meant "hero" and explained what that word meant.

"No, not hero, Hiro. I read a story in school that made me think that would be a good name for a survivor."

"Ok! Cool! Great name! How about the good, kind-hearted kid that we know is really in there. What do you want to call her?"

"Jewel!" 

:-) 

The big guns--a bid for control

7/28/14 Bid for Control

I hate this. I understand that in the Family Intervention Program things will typically go through a fairly easy period before going through a truly horrifying period and then settle down into a new normal.

I guess today was the beginning of the Truly Horrifying Period. We started the FIP on Monday, July 14, 2014, two weeks ago today. Things were going along, ups and downs but the words and attitudes were easily definable and after a time-in, life would return to "normal".

I don't know if today happened because Brad returned from a three day family reunion trip last night or if it was just time for Loreli’s "real" anger to come boiling to the surface.

I went to visit with Rayn this morning, desperately needing a break after three days alone with the kids. Well, Loreli. Daniel was fine. We had some good times during those three days and I'm holding on to those. Rayn and I played clicker games and ran in the pasture together. I was panting and sweaty by the time we were done. I always laugh to myself after thinking what my fellow boarders at the jumping facility must be thinking, "You know, you can actually RIDE that horse and she could do all the work running..." Yes, I could, but I wouldn't have the sheer joy of running like a kid in the long meadow grass with my horse. :-)

When I got home Brad and Daniel were sitting on the landing halfway up the stairs. Brad was hugging Daniel close and Daniel was half laughing and half yelling. I couldn't tell if he was mad or just being silly. I'm not sure HE knew. Daniel would yell and Brad would laugh and say, "I'm not going to let you go until you behave." Then Daniel would giggle. It finally ended up with a lot of tickling and giggling.

Brad came in after my shower and asked if there was some new thing that he didn't know about Loreli's hair because she was suddenly claiming that she didn't know how to do it.

"She's playing you." I said.

"Okay." and he went back to Loreli and told her to do her hair while he made lunch. I heard her bathroom door slam and went to check on her. She was fuming and crying.

"What's going on? You've known how to do your hair for years. You know Daddy knows that. Why are you acting like this?"

She yanked out her comb, jerked it through her hair where it got stuck in the curls, and screamed, "It's not working!"

"Maybe you should wet it and put some conditioner in it." She glared at me.

Looking at this now I realize how I escalated it. I could have joined her in her trauma and said, "Wow! You're right! What in the world!?" and then shut up. She might have returned to calm and we could have talked it out or we might have continued on into Crazy Town. We'll never know. But since I said what I did we went straight to Crazy Town. All aboard!

"Come sit down, let's talk about this."

Loreli flopped to the floor, turned her nose up at me and yelled, "I'm not talking to you!"

"Okay. Come with me then. We can continue this time-in while I dry my hair."

She walked into my bathroom with me and sat on the floor, "I'm not talking to you."

"That's fine. I can see you are mad."

I started drying my hair. I could hear her yelling at me while I was doing it but couldn't hear distinct words. I could see she was mad, glaring and yelling. It takes 10-15 minutes to dry my hair, you would have thought that she would have worn herself out. When I was done she just continued on:

"You are mean! You are horrible! You aren't creative! You aren't a good mom! You can't paint! You can't make cupcakes! You can't do Reiki! You are mean!"

Holy smokes. This was new. The new FIP rules state that I take no more abuse. I considered letting it go but then I remembered the Cycle of Abuse. 

"Loreli. You. Will. Stop. This. Instant. You are not allowed to be verbally abusive. Do you understand me?"

"No."

"No?!?"

"I don't understand you."

"Do you know what verbally abusive means?"

"No."

"It means you are being a bully with your words. You are not allowed to be mean with your words. Do you understand me?"

Sullen, "Yes."

"Are you ready to talk about your hair now?"

"No."

We went downstairs where Brad and Daniel wanted to show me all of Brad's photos from his family reunion weekend. I pointed to a spot on the floor and told Loreli to sit there. She sat and glared in a way I have never seen. Whoa. Sheer fury. I told her to get up and we would go back upstairs to her room. We were up there together, she was sitting on the floor and I was expecting to spend a lot of time with her sitting silently (which is what has happened for the past two weeks), refusing to talk. I had a new book on my iPad, so I was fine. She doesn't have the patience to sit silently for more than 30 minutes.

No silence this time, she started in on me with more verbal nastiness.

Instead of taking it anymore I stopped the cycle of escalating abuse. I got down on the floor and and employed the PRT*. I specifically asked Dr. Federici in training, "We only use this when we are being physically hurt right? Not verbally." He said, "No. ANY time a child is abusing you, in any way, physically or verbally, you should use this. Tell them one time to stop and then that's it."

We were in that position and she was physically inching herself and 175 pounds of me across the floor. I couldn't believe the power. In the 9 hour Handle With Care class I took, this didn't happen since none of us wanted to hurt our partner. Boy it's a whole other ball game with an angry child. She had stopped most of the screaming and instead just steadily and furiously told me what she thought of me while trying to get loose. It occurred to me that she would stop the whole thing if Brad were there. It also occurred to me that she might see it as a weakness…I bellowed to Brad and he came running. The second he stepped into the room she stopped saying hateful things to me and stopped moving. She would not allow him to see what she was doing or hear the things she was saying to me.

I waited 5 minutes (Handle With Care training says: Calm plus 5 minutes), "Are you calmer now?"  (In hindsight I probably should have waited until she said something first.)

"No."

Another 5 minutes, "Are you calm enough to get up now?"

"No."

Brad stayed in the room with us.

I felt her take a couple of big breaths. I took a couple of big breaths.

"We could sit up and I could just hug you really hard if you wanted."

... ... ... "Okay."

We sat with her back to my front. I hugged her hard and rocked.

Brad went back downstairs.

I waited about 10 minutes before I said, "Want to talk about it now?"

Silence.

I waited another 10 minutes and tried again. She looked at me. Well, that was progress.

"Can you remember the words to use when you are mad?"

"I'm angry because..."

"Yes. Do you know why you're angry?"

"No." I believed her. Unless she somehow recognized trauma, control issues, reactive attachment disorder, etc at age 9, I wouldn't expect her to know why she was angry in this instance.

"Could you say, 'I'm angry because...I don't know why I'm angry. I just am!'?"

"Yeah."

"You know the posters we made in our hallway? The one about Crazy Town (life before) and Familyland (life now)--those mean things you were saying to me, those belonged in Crazy Town. Where do you want to live?"

"Familyland."

"Yeah, me too. What kinds of words do we use in Familyland?"

"Kind words."

"Right."

"The next time Daddy asks you to do your hair what are you going to do?"

"Get my hair wet, put conditioner in it and comb it out."

"Good job."

A few minutes later she was doing just that. I said I would help get the back of her hair wet with the spray bottle. Teasingly and with a big smile (remember a child with RAD has a hard time understanding facial expressions) I said, "Ohhhh...I SO want to spray you right in the face!" and she giggled, joy in her eyes and covered her face with her hands.

And that was that, all was well again.

For me, well, my whole upper body aches. My heart aches. I'm unsure if pulling out the big guns (the passive hold) was the best bet. On the one hand it maybe could have been handled in some other way, although I don't know what. On the other, her verbal abuse has continued to escalate lately. It's the reason I decided to take the Handle With Care training in the first place. I was worried that it would become physical. I guess we just have to wait and see what comes next. 

*PRT:

The Primary Restraint Technique (PRT) is the centerpiece of Handle With Care’s physical system. The PRT is an easy to learn, orthopedically sound passive holding method that offers unprecedented mechanical advantage without pain or injury. The PRT is the only method with a built-in safeguard, the TripodModification, to prevent chest compression. No other passive holding method, no physical technique of any kind, has ever been granted patent protection. This achievement is the culmination of over 25 years of continuous research and development.

 

Covert

10am  Feeling taken advantage of after Loreli’s “nightmare” last night.

I’m learning to pay attention to my body. I’ve known the Empath within for a number of years but the past two years I’ve not only been feeling other people’s feelings but I’ve been picking up physical sensations as well. It happens often with my kids.

I’m not exactly sure what is happening in this situation but I’m recognizing icky physical feelings in my stomach and/or chest and I’ve just figured out it happens when Loreli is trying to gain control. Today for some reason, instead of jumping into the situations, I watched. I needed to see these little things happen in order to put it altogether. I’m happy I listened to my Inner Voice!

She took her book this morning, without asking (per the FIP she has to have permission for everything), started to read, and I watched how in the next 5 minutes she was in a fight with Daniel for a made up reason. I had watched it happen so I knew that what she was saying wasn’t true.

Before breakfast she made the decision to play with toys without asking and she got into it with Daniel. They were playing with their magnetic shapes. Daniel said, "I need another square one..." Loreli said (in a sweet and kind tone of voice that said, "Here you go you can have it.") "Here's another square one!" and when Daniel reached for it she snatched it back and said, "No! It's mine!" A sneaky way to say one thing with tone but do another. I could see the confusion on Daniel’s face as he looked at her, hurt, and then at me.

During their breakfast I was talking to them and petting the dogs while I sat at the bottom of the stairs. Loreli called Onya away from me and to her. She looked angry and upset. It started to click then. 

She thinks she needs control but it doesn’t make her happy to have it.

When she takes control she is very unhappy afterwards. I’m not sure why this is yet. Watching this morning unfold was eye opening. Every single time she does ANYTHING at all (as simple as choosing a book) that she doesn't ask me for, she creates a fight.

Very interesting.

This all started two nights ago when she came down crying that she had a nightmare. 

1. I don't doubt the fear.

S2 She wasn't asleep yet.

332 She was lying up there working herself into a frenzy (which I get, the squirrels in my head get going sometimes too).

44 She's never done that before.

55 Daniel is in our room because he's not safe being that close to Loreli's room (nightmares, teasing from Loreli, and she's been knocking on the adjoining wall which scares him).

66. She feels left out because she's not in our room.

77. Two nights ago I spent a lot of time with her after she had gone to bed. She came downstairs crying that she had had nightmares about being stolen away from us. She hadn’t had enough time to go to sleep. Once she was over her bad thoughts she stayed up talking LOUDLY for an hour, just making up stories that she said were past dreams. They were stories, I could see her making them up as she went along. I felt that icky feeling in my stomach and chest. I didn’t recognize it then but looking back it’s the feeling I get when she is trying to gain control of some situation. I’m still unsure if it’s my OWN feeling or if I’m picking up on hers. The control she wanted on that night was my attention on her.

88. The next night, last night, she came down crying again about a dream when she had only been up there 5 minutes.

99. I don't doubt that fear either though.

110. She worked herself into such a frenzy that she was shaking but something seemed off to me (icky, swirly feeling in my chest and stomach again) but I couldn't place it. She said, "I just want to be inches away from you. You are too far away." I let her sleep in my bed. My Empath was speaking to me in feelings but jeez, I hate to say EVERY SINGLE THING is a control bid for her. DAMN IT. But it is, for now anyway. Once Loreli has all noticeable control taken away from her she goes into covert mode (Dr. Federici says these kids are ninjas and I'm really aware as to HOW this looks now). This stuff is so sneaky and bizarre and on the surface seems like nothing, that I truly begin questioning my sanity. This is the stuff that only parents of a traumatized kid get. A "normal" family just looks at me like I'm crazy.

111. This is where the panic attacks come in because there is not too much logic in these situations. There is a funny feeling. I’ve been having this funny feeling since Loreli came home. It’s only now that I’ve been able to find the words to express what the feeling means.

112. Once I found the words hiding behind the panicky feeling, my chest and stomach loosened a bit.

113. Turns out when I listen to the Empath, things get clearer and I’m able to find the words behind the feelings. Nice lesson. 5 years in the making.

Bike ride, lasagna, cookies, and nightmares

I've gone from having two kids who sleep in their own rooms to two kids in bed with me tonight.

Last Saturday Daniel was in full meltdown mode, really rare, crying for an hour. The only words he could get out were that he was having nightmares that he couldn't get out of and that Loreli was always teasing him. Once he calmed down I told him that now that they were both with me or Daddy all the time the teasing was over and if it would help we could put a mattress on the floor of our bedroom and he could sleep there for awhile. That's where he's been for a week now.

Three different times this week Loreli has woken up with nightmares. The first thing that comes to mind is that it's been since we've taken everything out of her room. Her bed is in there and an empty chest of drawers but that's it. Is it at all possible all that stuff could have been protecting her from her fear?

We had a full day today and only one brief time-in for Loreli. Everything else went great. We went for a bike ride to the "water park" aka splash pad, had lunch, took a nice rester, went to Cheese Importers for a bunch of cheese for lasagna, made that lasagna with them helping every step of the way and topped it off with them helping me make chocolate chip cookies. Couldn't have asked for better family time.

And yet tonight, Loreli is suddenly terrified that someone is going to break into our house and steal her away from us. Is she feeling bonded now and this is suddenly scary? Is it a developmental thing? She said she wants to just be inches away from me so she feels safe. Is it a control thing? I just don't know yet. 

But let's celebrate our happy day instead of dwelling on what things might mean--at least for tonight! Photos! :-)

This is some sort of strange wiggly balance beam...

"Hold my hand!"

Even I was riding my bike through the spray, it was hot out today!

 

Loreli stirring the ricotta.

Daniel got to take a photo of us, happy camper!

 Daniel grating cheese for the lasagna. I'm always surprised what kids can do.

Resting after lasagna went into oven. Cooking with kids is tiring!

But kinda fun too :-)

AND we made gluten free chocolate chip cookies. These things are the best yet! Might have to sell them alongside my cupcakes!

A pretty rainbow to top off our evening of cooking.

The Cycle of Abuse

At 20 I married for the first time and at 28 I left that abusive marriage. If you are unfamiliar with the cycle of abuse it looks like this:

Not all relationships follow the same cycle, and individual experiences vary, some stages - especially the honeymoon or calm periods, may shorten or be left out completely, especially as the abuse intensifies over a period of time.

TENSION BUILDING -

-Tension starts and steadily builds

-Abuser starts to get angry

-Communication breaks down

-Victim feels the need to concede to the abuser

-Tension becomes too much

-Victim feels uneasy and a need to watch every move 

INCIDENT or "Acting Out" phase

-Any type of abuse occurs

-Physical

-Sexual

-Emotional 

HONEYMOON or Reconciliation phase 

-Abuser apologizes for abuse, some beg forgiveness or show sorrows

-Abuser may promise it will never happen again

-Blames victim for provoking the abuse or denies abuse occurred

-Minimizing, denying or claiming the abuse wasn't as bad as victim claims

CALM before the tension starts again. 

-Abuses slow or stop

-Abuser acts like the abuse never happened

-Promises made during honeymoon stage may be met

-Abuser may give gifts to victim

-Victim believes or wants to believe the abuse is over or the abuser will change

-(Often the cycle of violence is portrayed as 3 steps: tension, acting out and honeymoon phases, where the Honeymoon and Calm phase are seen as one.)

I'm fully aware that this isn't something Loreli is purposely doing, it's her trauma speaking. If you have a child with a trauma background then you may understand this cycle. If you don't, then the whole idea of your child being abusive might seem a bit unbeliLorelible. I understand. I have experienced it and it seems incredible to me too.

One day recently, I was thinking about my life with Loreli and the term, "walking on eggshells" came to mind. I had a visceral reaction to that term so I stopped and thought about it.

Walking on eggshells...walking on eggshells...

Oh. The last time I said that about something in my life was when I was married to my first husband. That's when it clicked, the cycle of abuse. The Tension period where I am just waiting for a meltdown to happen, where I am walking on eggshells and trying like crazy to not set Loreli off.

The Acting Out period where she would flip out and, more recently, looked like she was going to hit me. The sheer fury in her eyes is scary and she occasionally swings her arms around while she's yelling. It was escalating. The Honeymoon period where she was sweet as pie, even if it was an affected sweetness, she would hug me, be super helpful, do things she knew I would like. In my world the Honeymoon and Calm periods were the same thing. Then it would start all over again.

So, on Tuesday when she said, "No! And you can't make me!" It again set off a fear of the cycle that I’ve experienced with Loreli since she’s been home and that I experienced for 8 years with my first husband. The only reason it stopped in my marriage was because I left. We've been experiencing this with Loreli for nearly 5 years--even during the "good time" when Rayn came home 2 years ago. I might have continued on in that semi-good way forever if it hadn't been for her abrupt change in behavior at the end of the school year. Since no one is leaving this family, I'm stuck. There can be a lot of depression around that. I'm stuck, with a child who is abusive, even if it is unintentionally.

But that's not true is it? I have this Family InterventionProgram. I have Brad, who is 100% on board. My family, even though they are far away, are also 100% on board. I have training about how to handle abuse now. How to deflect physical abuse. How to safely and comfortably (for both of us) restrain a child who is being outright defiant and out-of-control. I have the horses who, when asked, give me answers and healing. I also have this amazing EGCM coaching program I'm part of. I'm in a constant coaching position with Loreli, nearly 24/7. It's exhausting but I'm learning so much.

So when talking to my Mom this morning the full realization was: I can stop that abuse cycle now, with Loreli, where I couldn't with my first husband. I'm not stuck. Dr. Federici and Handle With Care recommends the passive restraint when a child is being emotionally/physically abusive or defiant/out of control. I had hoped to not do it. I still hope to not do it. I know it doesn't hurt, I've had it done to me repeatedly (and I'm claustrophobic) and I restrained my partner in class. Neither of us were hurt in the slightest and it wasn't scary at all.

I took the doctor's advice and told the kids about it today. I showed Loreli what it was and what it felt like and she giggled her way through it. I said, "Okay, now pretend you're really mad." There must be a lot of mad simmering in there because she had NO problem with that one. When she found she couldn't get loose though I said, "What does that feel like to you?" She said, "It's okay". Daniel piped up with, "Do me now!" So I showed him the little kid modified version. They both kept saying, "Do it again!" which I thought was pretty interesting. I asked again, "What does it feel like to you?"

"Kind of like a big hug." Huh. There are probably some sensory issues there...

We finally stopped rolling around on the floor and I had them sit next to me. I explained when this might be used. Hitting parents. They both looked properly horrified. Outright defiance like saying, "NO! I won't! And you can't make me!" I looked at Loreli and said, "Remember the other day when you said, ‘No! And you can't make me!’?” Loreli looked at me in shock and said, "I SAID that?"

Wow.

No wonder they call this program "reality training". I've heard that if parents record their kid in a meltdown and show it to them later when they are calm, the kid doesn't recognize themselves in the recording. They deny that it's them. I wonder, where do our kids go when they are in meltdown mode? Are they somewhere else, stuck in the trauma that was inflicted on them?

I'll think about it from my perspective. I had an abusive first marriage. Now, when Loreli triggers me because she is treating me in a similar way that my first husband did, I respond (unintentionally) in the way that I did back then. I withdraw. I try to make peace. I allow it to happen.

It's taken me 5 LONG YEARS to figure it out.

I can stop the cycle.

Loreli is not my ex-husband. She is a little girl who needs help, healing, love. I CAN do this. In the process I start healing a hurt I thought I was over. In the process the whole family heals.