Covert

10am  Feeling taken advantage of after Loreli’s “nightmare” last night.

I’m learning to pay attention to my body. I’ve known the Empath within for a number of years but the past two years I’ve not only been feeling other people’s feelings but I’ve been picking up physical sensations as well. It happens often with my kids.

I’m not exactly sure what is happening in this situation but I’m recognizing icky physical feelings in my stomach and/or chest and I’ve just figured out it happens when Loreli is trying to gain control. Today for some reason, instead of jumping into the situations, I watched. I needed to see these little things happen in order to put it altogether. I’m happy I listened to my Inner Voice!

She took her book this morning, without asking (per the FIP she has to have permission for everything), started to read, and I watched how in the next 5 minutes she was in a fight with Daniel for a made up reason. I had watched it happen so I knew that what she was saying wasn’t true.

Before breakfast she made the decision to play with toys without asking and she got into it with Daniel. They were playing with their magnetic shapes. Daniel said, "I need another square one..." Loreli said (in a sweet and kind tone of voice that said, "Here you go you can have it.") "Here's another square one!" and when Daniel reached for it she snatched it back and said, "No! It's mine!" A sneaky way to say one thing with tone but do another. I could see the confusion on Daniel’s face as he looked at her, hurt, and then at me.

During their breakfast I was talking to them and petting the dogs while I sat at the bottom of the stairs. Loreli called Onya away from me and to her. She looked angry and upset. It started to click then. 

She thinks she needs control but it doesn’t make her happy to have it.

When she takes control she is very unhappy afterwards. I’m not sure why this is yet. Watching this morning unfold was eye opening. Every single time she does ANYTHING at all (as simple as choosing a book) that she doesn't ask me for, she creates a fight.

Very interesting.

This all started two nights ago when she came down crying that she had a nightmare. 

1. I don't doubt the fear.

S2 She wasn't asleep yet.

332 She was lying up there working herself into a frenzy (which I get, the squirrels in my head get going sometimes too).

44 She's never done that before.

55 Daniel is in our room because he's not safe being that close to Loreli's room (nightmares, teasing from Loreli, and she's been knocking on the adjoining wall which scares him).

66. She feels left out because she's not in our room.

77. Two nights ago I spent a lot of time with her after she had gone to bed. She came downstairs crying that she had had nightmares about being stolen away from us. She hadn’t had enough time to go to sleep. Once she was over her bad thoughts she stayed up talking LOUDLY for an hour, just making up stories that she said were past dreams. They were stories, I could see her making them up as she went along. I felt that icky feeling in my stomach and chest. I didn’t recognize it then but looking back it’s the feeling I get when she is trying to gain control of some situation. I’m still unsure if it’s my OWN feeling or if I’m picking up on hers. The control she wanted on that night was my attention on her.

88. The next night, last night, she came down crying again about a dream when she had only been up there 5 minutes.

99. I don't doubt that fear either though.

110. She worked herself into such a frenzy that she was shaking but something seemed off to me (icky, swirly feeling in my chest and stomach again) but I couldn't place it. She said, "I just want to be inches away from you. You are too far away." I let her sleep in my bed. My Empath was speaking to me in feelings but jeez, I hate to say EVERY SINGLE THING is a control bid for her. DAMN IT. But it is, for now anyway. Once Loreli has all noticeable control taken away from her she goes into covert mode (Dr. Federici says these kids are ninjas and I'm really aware as to HOW this looks now). This stuff is so sneaky and bizarre and on the surface seems like nothing, that I truly begin questioning my sanity. This is the stuff that only parents of a traumatized kid get. A "normal" family just looks at me like I'm crazy.

111. This is where the panic attacks come in because there is not too much logic in these situations. There is a funny feeling. I’ve been having this funny feeling since Loreli came home. It’s only now that I’ve been able to find the words to express what the feeling means.

112. Once I found the words hiding behind the panicky feeling, my chest and stomach loosened a bit.

113. Turns out when I listen to the Empath, things get clearer and I’m able to find the words behind the feelings. Nice lesson. 5 years in the making.