Dear Family and Friends,

7/16/14

This is probably a little disjointed but after you read it, you'll know why

I went to Denver this past weekend and attended a workshop that included three different pieces: Handle With Care (www.handlewithcare.com) training on Friday and dual training with Dr. Ron Federici (www.drfederici.com) and Heather Forbes (www.beyondconsequences.com) on Saturday and Sunday.

We have implemented a hybrid version of their Starting Over program--please God, I SO don't want to have to do Dr. Federici's Adults Only/Level 1(taking all toys, books, clothes, out of kid's rooms, kids within three feet of adult at all times except for bed, etc). It's pretty hard core.

As it is, what we are doing is hard core for us! The kids are with me all day, wherever I go they go. We play together, we do chores together, we have nap time together, we cook together, this list goes on... I'm doing nothing else. In some ways it's fun, in other ways it's completely exhausting. We have extensive written lists of dos and don'ts and family mantras that we go over multiple times every day. The kids really loved making those! Strangely they will repeat bits of them to me off and on during the day.

When a rule is broken (usually has to do with crappy attitudes) off we go to "time-in".  Time-in...sigh...I have a love/hate relationship with it. It can be long, drawn out and exhausting or short and sweet. More often than not whichever kid (usually Loreli) comes out of it with an understanding that she (and very often me) didn't have before. It's good. We sit together, with whichever one usually in my lap. They tell me why they are so mad (and I tell them I hear that they are mad!) and we work through the mad until they are calm and then we work through the problem until there is understanding about the problem, the resulting bad behavior, and how to deal with anger in an appropriate way. Sunday night I had a 30 minute time in with Loreli. Today I had a 45 minute time in with Daniel where he sobbed for most of the time. It was TRAUMATIC.

There are no kid friends allowed during this time, which is why you won't be seeing us. Believe me, we MISS you!

The whole point is to show them that family is EVERYTHING. Family is where all the healing takes place. Family is where they are loved most. Family is SAFE. Family is where they will always belong.

The goal is that we wipe out the majority of the meltdowns, that empathy is created, they are bonded to us, they listen, they feel safe as a family.

And when I say "they" I mean Loreli. Daniel is in on this because I can't split them up to do this and I have a strong feeling that while he loves us and knows we love him, he doesn't feel safe. We've spent the nearly 5 years that Loreli has been home, feeling lost. I do have to say that the last 2 years since Rayn came home have been much much better but the shit hit the fan at the end of the school year with Loreli and we needed a BIG change. This cycle of abuse has got to stop--it feels very much like that too. She can be horrible, defiant and out of control and then sweet as pie. No more, I feel like I'm walking on eggs shells all the time, wondering when she will blow. So, we're doing this Starting Over program.

I expect that we will be doing it until school starts (August 20). If things go really well, they'll be able to see friends before that!

Brad is considering taking some time off, a few days a week for a few weeks so we can do this as a family. I'm doing it during the day and he is joining us after work but when I went off to the grocery store after he finished work today they both began pushing boundaries, just to see what was what.

For the good news: The four of us had a rest time today, spent some time reading books and then had a nap together :-)  Brad, Loreli, me, and Daniel lined up and snoozing on our king size bed. Loreli slept with her head on my shoulder and holding my hand. She's not had a nap since she was 5 years old. She has quickly apologized for any little accident (like accidentally bumping into one of us), played, FAIRLY, with Daniel and me, and has been sharing without being asked. Daniel is talking, talking, talking. He is SO happy to play with Loreli and with me. I can so clearly see that he was NOT feeling safe before. This is as much for him as it is for her.

Once Loreli can have some days in a row with appropriate control over herself we'll be able to give going out in public again a try. Maybe swimming! Last week when we went swimming and she didn't get her way in something she got nasty with me. To be able to take not getting her way in public she has to have lots of practice at home first. Makes sense right? So with the "time-in" approach once she calms, then she can hear me and can learn the right way to approach these little set backs in her life. Practice, practice, practice!

Dr. Federici says this "re-trains the brain". There are a lot of blank spots in the brains of children that come from trauma and this helps fill some of those in. I've seen a lot of great leaps in both of them in the past three days and so we will soldier on.

Please pray or send good energy to us, we need it. When Dr. Federici and Heather Forbes talked about "avoidance behaviors" from trauma kids I recognized that both Brad and I exhibit these behaviors ourselves! All four of us really need this bonding time! :-)