"I'll always care."

Tonight we put the kids to bed and they both promptly got up to see the sudden pouring rain. Thirty minutes later Loreli came back downstairs carrying a book.
"Are you feeling okay?" we asked. "Yes."

"Then go back to bed and we can talk about whatever you want to talk about tomorrow."

She stomped upstairs muttering angrily to herself.

Well damn. According to the Family Intervention Program (FIP) one of us is supposed to go have a "time in" for crappy behavior. I followed her upstairs.

Me, sitting on her bed: What's going on? This is not the kind of behavior I want to see.

Loreli: Shrugs shoulders.

Me: I can wait here with you as long as it takes.

Loreli: Glares at me

Me, waiting patiently. Feeling it out.

Me: Can you finish this sentence: When you say "no" I feel...

Loreli: When you say no, I feel... I don't know what I feel.

Me: Well, I'm wondering if you are feeling unwanted and unloved.

Loreli: Yes. Unwanted.

Me: When I say "no" to whatever, you feel unwanted.

Loreli: Yes.

Me: Well that must be a horrible way to feel.

Loreli: Nods, tears in her eyes.

Me: Can you feel it anywhere in your body? Maybe your tummy or...?

Loreli: Touches her chest.

Me: I think that this is the reason we have to do the program. It will help that icky feeling in your  chest to go away. It's a way to learn to trust that we love you and want you. For ALL of us  to feel safe and loved.

Me, recognizing something that Rayn said earlier about joining Loreli where she is...

Me: When I say, "I love you" how do you feel?

Loreli: Can I think about it?

Me: Ok.

Loreli, after about 30 seconds: Like I don't believe you.

Me: Hmmm...I wonder if there is a better thing I can say, that you can trust? I want you? I care about you?

Loreli, giggling: Not "I want you" that would just be creepy, "I waaaaaant you!"

Me, laughing: Can you think of anything that would feel better to you?

Loreli: Thinking some more, "I'll always care."

Me: Ok, I can do that.

Loreli: Will you remember?

Me: Yes, I'll write it down so I don't forget.

Loreli: Did you have to write down "I love you" when you first got Daniel so you knew what to say?

Me, (Oh wow, that speaks VOLUMES about her): No, I do love you and Daniel and Daddy and I feel it, so I know it, so that's why I say it.

Loreli: Oh.

Me: But I can say "I'll always care" to you if that is better for you.

Loreli: Yeah. Like maybe you didn't love me before or now but you'll always care about me.

As always I'm forever grateful to Rayn who told me to, "Step back and meet Loreli where she is." I didn't understand what she meant until I went to training this weekend and then again just this evening.