Left Out

Loreli was cleaning the living room, using the dust mop and feather duster. Daniel was in the kitchen asking what he needed to do next. I was buttering toast, the pan was hot and the butter ready. I asked that he put the butter in the pan, stir it around, and dump in the eggs I had whisked together a few minutes before.

Loreli came right over, "I already know how to make eggs."

I held Daniel's hand with the spoon in it to help him stir the eggs, "Do you?"

Loreli, crowding us and watching intently, "Yes. You need to add salt and pepper." (I should have had her do it at that point.) "I know how to make eggs."

Still helping Daniel with the stirring, so the eggs didn't stick, "Yeah, that's what you said. Who taught you?"

"Daddy."

I switched to putting eggs on their plates and Daniel went over to cut Loreli's toast in half (because she ALWAYS wants her toast cut in half).

Loreli turns to see him finish one of her pieces of toast and start on the other and says angrily, "I don't want my toast cut in half!"

I look at her. Eyes glaring, mouth tight, shoulders tight.

Internal sigh.

"I bet Daniel is cutting your toast because that's how you like it. He's helping."

"I don't WANT it cut!"

"Okay. This is the way it is today though."

"I DON'T WANT IT CUT!"

"I'm guessing that this isn't about toast at all. What do you think?"

Loreli rolled her eyes.

I pulled her close to me, "Remember the rules we all wrote out and agreed on, no eye rolls."

Loreli glared at me and stood stiffly next to me, refusing to yield. "I DON'T WANT IT CUT!"

"Let's go sit down in a 'time in.' Sit over here Daniel, with your breakfast. We'll be right here together."

I sat down with Loreli sitting in front of me on my chair.

"Okay, what's going on?"

Loreli in a snotty voice, "I DON'T want my toast cut!"

"I hear that. How does that make you feel?"

"Angry."

"What else?"

"I don't want it cut!"

"How else do you feel?"

"Mad."

"What's under the mad?"

...

...crickets...

...

In a small voice, "Left out."

"OMG! Loreli! YES!!! Good job! You found the feeling underneath all the others! That is amazing!"

Loreli, slightly teary eyed, smiled.

"You know, there are adults who can't figure out the feelings underneath their anger. I'm really impressed!"

"Okay, so next time we make breakfast, we'll all do it together. We'll have to take turns doing eggs and making toast or whatever. Next time you can help make the eggs and Daniel can butter toast. What will happen if you are taking a turn buttering toast and Daniel is stirring eggs? How will you feel?"

Shrugs shoulders, "I don't know."

"Everyone takes turns doing different parts of the breakfast, does that seem fair to you?"

"Yes."

"Yes, I think so too. Does that seem fair to you Daniel?"

"Yeah, that seems fair."

"That's what we'll do tomorrow then."