Power Plays

Other than the grocery store and pool last week, we haven’t been anywhere. The family intervention program we’re using says we shouldn’t be going anywhere in public for at least 4 weeks. Since I decided to start with a “modified” plan I waited until the end of the week to try anything in public. Which backfired.

Brad is taking a day off today and because I was a bit off my rocker this morning (a little crybaby freakout) he thought lunch out would be good. I figured we could give it a try. All went well, no problems. Until we got back home.

Remember Dr. Federici’s motto? “No good deed goes unpunished.” It seems so harsh but it’s sadly true.

Now, this little thing is going to seem like a nothing thing to anyone who doesn’t have a child from a trauma background. I recognize it as a subtle power play. It sucks. After lunch every day we have a “rester” time. Quiet time where we all cuddle up on my bed, read a few stories maybe, close our eyes for a few minutes. Daniel always goes to sleep, I almost always do, and Loreli has twice.

Today, Loreli would not lie still. Not just wiggly but full out 180s in the bed, front to back to front again. No good deed (a fun lunch out) goes unpunished (a bid for control of this little rester time—“I don’t want to sleep, you are making me lie here, therefore you will pay the price of my anger by not napping.”)

Against Dr. Federici’s orders, I gave her multiple chances and I could feel her smirk building. I got up, told Daddy we were going downstairs and Daniel to cuddle up with Daddy. Happy boys.

I aimed Loreli to the pile of clean clothes and told her to start folding. She responded by giving me the innocent big eyes (Who? Me? What did I do?) that I have become oh so familiar with over the past 5 years.  

“You don’t want to rest? That’s okay, you can fold instead.”

 “WHAT?? What did I do?! This isn’t fair! You are so mean!”

“Too bad you didn’t just lie still like I asked.”

“Well, I won’t fold them! You can’t make me! I’m not going to listen to you anymore!”

“That’s okay too. I have stuff to do, you can come sit at the kitchen table while I write—we WILL be having quiet time.”

“NO! I won’t!”

Ohhhh…we are getting perilously close to Handle With Care tactics here.

I said, “EXCUSE ME??” and she got up and came into the kitchen with me. 

Loreli sat down and gave me one of those murderous looks with her fists clenched at her sides and I was again glad for the Handle With Care training. 

I wonder, will she one day just blow and come at me?

She sat quietly for about 10 minutes before she said, “Okay Mommy, I’m ready to talk.”

I said, “Okay, when I’m finished with what I’m doing.” I gave it a few minutes and said, “You don’t get to make decisions around here, it’s the parent’s job. When it’s time for a rest, that’s what we do. Today you decided that we weren’t going to rest. That’s fine. We won’t rest, but we WILL be having quiet time. It’s my job to make the decisions, not yours. You can sit here next to me until they are done resting and I’m done writing and then you will fold clothes.”

“I’m not listening to you!” and covered her ears with her hands.

“Take your hands off your ears, now.” She did.

We sat at the kitchen table for another 20 minutes before I was almost done with this post.

I said, “Do you know why we are sitting here?”

She nodded.

“Why?”

“Because I wouldn’t stay still.”

“Yep. What are you going to do tomorrow for rest time?”

“Lie still.”  All this with a neutral look on her face.

“Good job. When I say it’s time for quiet time, that’s what we’re going to do. You can do it the easy way by snuggling in bed with everyone or the hard way by sitting doing nothing for the same amount of time and then folding a pile of clothes. Which way do you want to do it?”

A big smile and a little laugh, “The easy way!”

I really don’t know what to make of these 180 degree course corrections—it’s disconcerting. She’s saying and acting the right way at the end of these things but it’s SO VERY different from the way we went into it with her screaming. I’m glad they end well but it’s a little creepy that she can go from looking angry enough to hit me to smiling and laughing in a short period of time. I think I’ve gotten pretty good at judging her expressions/attitudes and I honestly believe that all is well in her world at the end of a time-in. SHE is fine. I’m kinda wigged out.

She is currently happily folding clothes.