The big guns--a bid for control

7/28/14 Bid for Control

I hate this. I understand that in the Family Intervention Program things will typically go through a fairly easy period before going through a truly horrifying period and then settle down into a new normal.

I guess today was the beginning of the Truly Horrifying Period. We started the FIP on Monday, July 14, 2014, two weeks ago today. Things were going along, ups and downs but the words and attitudes were easily definable and after a time-in, life would return to "normal".

I don't know if today happened because Brad returned from a three day family reunion trip last night or if it was just time for Loreli’s "real" anger to come boiling to the surface.

I went to visit with Rayn this morning, desperately needing a break after three days alone with the kids. Well, Loreli. Daniel was fine. We had some good times during those three days and I'm holding on to those. Rayn and I played clicker games and ran in the pasture together. I was panting and sweaty by the time we were done. I always laugh to myself after thinking what my fellow boarders at the jumping facility must be thinking, "You know, you can actually RIDE that horse and she could do all the work running..." Yes, I could, but I wouldn't have the sheer joy of running like a kid in the long meadow grass with my horse. :-)

When I got home Brad and Daniel were sitting on the landing halfway up the stairs. Brad was hugging Daniel close and Daniel was half laughing and half yelling. I couldn't tell if he was mad or just being silly. I'm not sure HE knew. Daniel would yell and Brad would laugh and say, "I'm not going to let you go until you behave." Then Daniel would giggle. It finally ended up with a lot of tickling and giggling.

Brad came in after my shower and asked if there was some new thing that he didn't know about Loreli's hair because she was suddenly claiming that she didn't know how to do it.

"She's playing you." I said.

"Okay." and he went back to Loreli and told her to do her hair while he made lunch. I heard her bathroom door slam and went to check on her. She was fuming and crying.

"What's going on? You've known how to do your hair for years. You know Daddy knows that. Why are you acting like this?"

She yanked out her comb, jerked it through her hair where it got stuck in the curls, and screamed, "It's not working!"

"Maybe you should wet it and put some conditioner in it." She glared at me.

Looking at this now I realize how I escalated it. I could have joined her in her trauma and said, "Wow! You're right! What in the world!?" and then shut up. She might have returned to calm and we could have talked it out or we might have continued on into Crazy Town. We'll never know. But since I said what I did we went straight to Crazy Town. All aboard!

"Come sit down, let's talk about this."

Loreli flopped to the floor, turned her nose up at me and yelled, "I'm not talking to you!"

"Okay. Come with me then. We can continue this time-in while I dry my hair."

She walked into my bathroom with me and sat on the floor, "I'm not talking to you."

"That's fine. I can see you are mad."

I started drying my hair. I could hear her yelling at me while I was doing it but couldn't hear distinct words. I could see she was mad, glaring and yelling. It takes 10-15 minutes to dry my hair, you would have thought that she would have worn herself out. When I was done she just continued on:

"You are mean! You are horrible! You aren't creative! You aren't a good mom! You can't paint! You can't make cupcakes! You can't do Reiki! You are mean!"

Holy smokes. This was new. The new FIP rules state that I take no more abuse. I considered letting it go but then I remembered the Cycle of Abuse. 

"Loreli. You. Will. Stop. This. Instant. You are not allowed to be verbally abusive. Do you understand me?"

"No."

"No?!?"

"I don't understand you."

"Do you know what verbally abusive means?"

"No."

"It means you are being a bully with your words. You are not allowed to be mean with your words. Do you understand me?"

Sullen, "Yes."

"Are you ready to talk about your hair now?"

"No."

We went downstairs where Brad and Daniel wanted to show me all of Brad's photos from his family reunion weekend. I pointed to a spot on the floor and told Loreli to sit there. She sat and glared in a way I have never seen. Whoa. Sheer fury. I told her to get up and we would go back upstairs to her room. We were up there together, she was sitting on the floor and I was expecting to spend a lot of time with her sitting silently (which is what has happened for the past two weeks), refusing to talk. I had a new book on my iPad, so I was fine. She doesn't have the patience to sit silently for more than 30 minutes.

No silence this time, she started in on me with more verbal nastiness.

Instead of taking it anymore I stopped the cycle of escalating abuse. I got down on the floor and and employed the PRT*. I specifically asked Dr. Federici in training, "We only use this when we are being physically hurt right? Not verbally." He said, "No. ANY time a child is abusing you, in any way, physically or verbally, you should use this. Tell them one time to stop and then that's it."

We were in that position and she was physically inching herself and 175 pounds of me across the floor. I couldn't believe the power. In the 9 hour Handle With Care class I took, this didn't happen since none of us wanted to hurt our partner. Boy it's a whole other ball game with an angry child. She had stopped most of the screaming and instead just steadily and furiously told me what she thought of me while trying to get loose. It occurred to me that she would stop the whole thing if Brad were there. It also occurred to me that she might see it as a weakness…I bellowed to Brad and he came running. The second he stepped into the room she stopped saying hateful things to me and stopped moving. She would not allow him to see what she was doing or hear the things she was saying to me.

I waited 5 minutes (Handle With Care training says: Calm plus 5 minutes), "Are you calmer now?"  (In hindsight I probably should have waited until she said something first.)

"No."

Another 5 minutes, "Are you calm enough to get up now?"

"No."

Brad stayed in the room with us.

I felt her take a couple of big breaths. I took a couple of big breaths.

"We could sit up and I could just hug you really hard if you wanted."

... ... ... "Okay."

We sat with her back to my front. I hugged her hard and rocked.

Brad went back downstairs.

I waited about 10 minutes before I said, "Want to talk about it now?"

Silence.

I waited another 10 minutes and tried again. She looked at me. Well, that was progress.

"Can you remember the words to use when you are mad?"

"I'm angry because..."

"Yes. Do you know why you're angry?"

"No." I believed her. Unless she somehow recognized trauma, control issues, reactive attachment disorder, etc at age 9, I wouldn't expect her to know why she was angry in this instance.

"Could you say, 'I'm angry because...I don't know why I'm angry. I just am!'?"

"Yeah."

"You know the posters we made in our hallway? The one about Crazy Town (life before) and Familyland (life now)--those mean things you were saying to me, those belonged in Crazy Town. Where do you want to live?"

"Familyland."

"Yeah, me too. What kinds of words do we use in Familyland?"

"Kind words."

"Right."

"The next time Daddy asks you to do your hair what are you going to do?"

"Get my hair wet, put conditioner in it and comb it out."

"Good job."

A few minutes later she was doing just that. I said I would help get the back of her hair wet with the spray bottle. Teasingly and with a big smile (remember a child with RAD has a hard time understanding facial expressions) I said, "Ohhhh...I SO want to spray you right in the face!" and she giggled, joy in her eyes and covered her face with her hands.

And that was that, all was well again.

For me, well, my whole upper body aches. My heart aches. I'm unsure if pulling out the big guns (the passive hold) was the best bet. On the one hand it maybe could have been handled in some other way, although I don't know what. On the other, her verbal abuse has continued to escalate lately. It's the reason I decided to take the Handle With Care training in the first place. I was worried that it would become physical. I guess we just have to wait and see what comes next. 

*PRT:

The Primary Restraint Technique (PRT) is the centerpiece of Handle With Care’s physical system. The PRT is an easy to learn, orthopedically sound passive holding method that offers unprecedented mechanical advantage without pain or injury. The PRT is the only method with a built-in safeguard, the TripodModification, to prevent chest compression. No other passive holding method, no physical technique of any kind, has ever been granted patent protection. This achievement is the culmination of over 25 years of continuous research and development.