Bringing out the big guns (Loreli only)

Since my realization about Loreli hurting Onya I have contacted Dr. Federici and gotten the go ahead to have Loreli on the full program (called Adults Only) with Daniel on our current modified program--which is what I wanted to hear. I now believe Loreli really needs the Adults Only program but Daniel hasn't shown any behavior that leads me to believe he does. He's doing better than ever on the current program!

I told Loreli this morning that I knew what she was doing with Onya. She denied it of course. I said that now that Daniel was safe under my protection she decided to choose to hurt the only living being left in the house that was defenseless against her. She couldn't hurt Midgie because she used to nip when upset. (she doesn't anymore but obviously the fear is still there.)

The Adults Only program (adults only=parents with kid/s, no one else is in the picture) is everything I've been doing except no toys, no tv/iPad (I've been allowing 30 min at lunch for good behavior-it's earned), no books, room clear except for bed, no outside activities (she won't be finishing swim lessons), within 3 ft of a parent at all times. Adults Only is extremely boring for the kid! There is little playing or reading (and only with a parent doing it too), tons of chores, practicing sitting silently, being with the parent in all things. They have a lot of time to try and figure out how to manipulate the situation. A lot of time to figure out that it's not going to work and they have to toe the line in order to get anything fun at all.

When I explained the rules and why (no hurting anyone or anything EVER!!!) she tried to argue (we were in a time-in) which I didn't allow and continued to talk. She was furious. Tried to cover her ears which I didn't allow. When I was done I told her it was her turn. She turned her nose up at me and said, "No!" I told her we would be in time-in until we had talked this through and she refused. Thank God for classes because I knew I could get up and have her move to wherever (the kitchen in this case) and we could continue the time in while I did other things. She held out with the silence for 30 min until she said, "Sorry. I won't do it again." I internally said, "Shit! I really was right, she did hurt Onya!!!" But said out loud to her, "Thank you. I know you say that now and I appreciate it but I also know that it's not true. (At that point Dr Federici had emailed back that he thought it was a good idea to put her on the full program and leave Daniel on the modified program) we will be doing the full program with you and we will empty out your room when we get back from swimming. Tears. "I know this is upsetting but you will NEVER be allowed to hurt anyone or anything ever again. We all deserve to be safe, including you, and you WILL learn how to do this."

I hadn't been sure about swimming lessons until Dr. Federici sent me a follow up email that made me laugh out loud, "No cheating." I was so so close to allowing her to finish lessons! But with children of trauma "no good deed goes unpunished" so I told her no more swimming lessons. Screaming, tears, and ran upstairs to her room. I followed and told her to put her skirt on or I would do it for her and we were leaving for Daniel's lesson. She did as I asked and off we went.

She sat quietly in car and at lessons but that probably won't last.

She's already pushed me on the 3 ft rule. Several times I've asked her to sit in a chair but then I've moved to more than an arm's reach away. Being Loreli, the first time she said, "You're not within 3 feet of me." I told her to be quiet and stay where she was. Second and third time she got up and came to me with her arm stretched out (arm's length) saying, "YOU said we had to be within 3 feet." Again I told her, "*I* asked you to sit in that chair, you will go back to where you were." All three times included the lovely "apology smirk". SHE KNOWS exactly what she's doing but I'm not rising to the bait.

This afternoon the three of us had a nap on my bed. This is the second time she has had a nap since she was 5. I think she is emotionally exhausted. I totally understand.

Then Brad came home and took Daniel to run some errands and Loreli and I started clearing out her room. I started working on her closet and realized I hadn't told her that she wouldn't have access to her clothes anymore either. I would be choosing her clothes for the day. "WHAT??? NO!" I told her that was the way the program worked. We had tried it the easy way and she hurt Onya, now we were going to do it the way the doctor suggested. She was quiet and I continued to talk, not realizing how furious she was. "Can you imagine a place where you always feel loved and safe, every day?"

"THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!"

I looked over at her, tears were rolling down her face. "It will happen, I promise."

"No it won't and it's ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"Oh, okay, let's sit down here together. You seem pretty mad."

I sat down on the floor next to her and she gave me a look that made me extremely glad I had taken the Handle With Care training. If she attacked me, I knew what to do. She may have youth and muscle on her side but I had height, weight, and training on mine. She didn't stand a chance.

"Tell me what's going on."

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"Boy you are really ticked off huh?"

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"I really hear that's what you are feeling. That must feel pretty icky."

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"Do you want to tell me anything else that you are mad about?"

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! AND THAT STUPID DOCTOR'S TOO! DR. WHATEVER HIS NAME IS!"

Hmmmm...this was going nowhere fast.

"So what you are saying is, you don't want to talk about this?"

She turned her nose up (for the second time today) and said, "Nope! And I'm not gonna either!"

"Well, we will have to talk about it eventually. I can wait as long as it takes, it's no problem."

"I'm not gonna and you can't make me!"

"We are going to continue this time-in downstairs. I've got stuff I need to do. When you are ready to talk about it, you let me know. Come on."

We went downstairs and I started work on my blog. She sat 3 feet away from me, glaring at me. I ignored her. It took her 30 minutes to apologize to me. "Mommy, I'm sorry for yelling at you. I want to talk now."

"Okay, great! I will finish up what I'm doing and we can talk in 5 minutes."

When I was done, I sat down on the floor next to her and said, "Boy you were really mad. It's okay if you think it's my fault. Everyone has a right to their own opinion. Do you still feel that way?"

"A little..."

"That's okay. They teach that in school right? Everyone has a right to their opinion. Do you know why we are doing this? It's not to punish you. This whole program is designed so we can all learn how to be a safe, loving family. I can see how it must be hard for you to believe that it can ever happen but it will. As we go through the program you will start to believe that we can be trusted to give you everything you need. You've never had that before. You were bounced from place to place to place so why should you believe that it can happen? I really understand that. Can you imagine a time where you feel loved and safe all the time?"

She nodded, a little teary eyed.

"We will get there. You know when I first married Daddy I had times when I wasn't sure--would he try to hurt my feelings, like my first husband did? I had only ever experienced that--husbands weren't nice to their wives. It was hard to trust. But over time I began to realize, with every experience, that Daddy wasn't like that, that I could trust him."

"Daddy, did you ever feel like that with me? Did I do things that reminded you of your first wife that scared you?"

"Sure! Every so often something would come up but I would remind myself that you weren't her."

"So, what you are feeling is normal. It happens to anyone who has come from a scary place."

We hugged and were finished for this session. I probably should have ended it with how she needed to express her anger the next time around but, honestly, I totally forgot.

The good news: I apologized to Onya this morning and said that Loreli wouldn't be hurting anyone again. For the first time since the kids have been out of school, Onya spent the day following me around the house like she used to do! All this time she had been mostly hiding under the bed. Not just sleeping with her upper body under like she's done all her life, but her whole body, which only used to happen during thunderstorms. My poor girlie. :-(  Working on letting go of the guilt, ugh.