Children from trauma and recognizing facial expressions

This morning Daniel was fooling around and teasing Loreli in a gentle way and Loreli was furious! We were all in the bathroom after my shower and I saw the whole thing in the mirror--so thankful. Daniel was rolling around on the floor and sticking his tongue out at Loreli in a silly way, not an angry way. Then he rolled over and put his head about 18 inches away from her foot and said, "Loreli! Your TOE (one of their favorite words for some reason) is in my face!" Again, in a silly way, not an angry way. Loreli was rolling her eyes, doing the groaning heavy sigh, all anger signs for her

 "Loreli, what's going on?"

Nearly in tears, she yells, "HE'S STICKING HIS TONGUE OUT AT ME!"

I, forgetting my training for a moment, "No, he's being silly, not mean."

With angry eyes and tears, "No! He's being mean! He did it like this!" (Showed me angry eyes and an aggressive sticking out tongue)

Daniel burst into tears. 

Rayn says, "Take a step back and join her where she is..." 

I gathered my robe around me, sat down on the floor with her back to my front and asked Daniel to sit behind me, hugging me from behind. I had one arm around her and another behind me, around him. He was still crying. I didn't want to face them both, it can be very hard for one of them to get out of their mad if they can see each other. It often takes longer for them to get out of their mad if they are facing me!

I asked her again why she was mad. She told me the same thing. We sat quietly and I reminded myself to be quiet. When I stopped my internal chatter I quickly heard, "Let me tell you story..." and the idea unfolded itself:

"Can I tell you a story?"

Loreli turned around to look at me, "Okay..."

I arranged us into a circle of three and said, "When babies are born to their mommies, like Finn and Atticus, or Maddie and Mason, they are with their mommies all the time. From the very first moment, their mommy is RIGHT THERE, looking at them, talking to them, looking into their eyes. As time goes on and the baby sees her mommy every single day, all the hours of the day except for naps and bedtime, she begins to recognize different expressions. When the mommy opens her eyes wide and exclaims, the baby recognizes surprise. Words and feelings and looks all work together to give the baby an idea of what's going on.

When Daniel came home he was 7 months old but was so tiny, only 14 pounds, I could easily carry him around in a front pack, facing me. When I went out to water the garden, he and I were looking at each other and I was talking to him. When I went for a walk, we were looking at each other and I was talking to him. When I went grocery shopping, we were looking at each other and I was talking to him and to other people. So, like a baby that is born to a mommy, Daniel learned what all my facial expressions meant. When I was being silly, he knew it, even if my face barely showed it because he had been watching me and listening to me for a long time.

When you came home you were 4.5 years old. You had been with your Ethiopian mommy until you were 3 we think. I bet you really knew her looks and words right? Then something happened and you had to go to the first orphanage. You didn't know any of their looks. That must have been confusing. THEN you went to the second orphanage and, we're not sure, but we think, that you had to learn Amharic, a whole new language. So, not only did you not know their facial expressions, you didn't even know the language! THEN you moved to our house. At least the orphanages were in the same country! I can only imagine how confusing it must have been to move to a whole new country AND not know the facial expressions or language.

I can remember, even just 2 years ago, I would teasingly say, "Give my your cute little ears, I want to chew on them!" and you would look at me in horror. :-) Eventually I learned to exaggerate my facial expressions and to smile a lot when I was saying stuff like that. But you know what? I'm an adult and made that conscious decision, knowing you needed help understanding me. Daniel is still a kid. And he learned his facial expressions and language from me. I naturally tend to be less exaggerated in my fooling around so Daniel is too.

There's a way to tell when people are fooling around and when they are serious though. Wanna know what it is? (Smiled and nodded.) Have you ever heard the saying, "The eyes are the windows to the soul'? (Yes, I like that one!) It means if you watch people's eyes you'll be able to tell a lot. Think about what Daniel looked like when he stuck his tongue out at you. What did his eyes look like? Were his eyes like this? (I stuck my tongue out and made angry eyes) or like this? (Tongue out, merry, dancing eyes). Can you tell the difference? (A happy yes.) Great!

Okay, what if I were rolling around on the ground like this and I said, "Loreli! Get your toes out of my face!" Can you see my eyes? What am I feeling? (Silly) Exactly! So, now your job is to take just a second before you respond, really look into the other person's eyes, and see how they are meaning their words. Are they angry, annoyed, happy, silly? When you are in class this next year, watch your teacher. When you are with your friends, keep an eye out. See if you can see their soul in there and what they might really mean."

After this we all happily went down to breakfast and they helped me make it. All was well.