Not all
relationships follow the same cycle, and individual experiences vary, some
stages - especially the honeymoon or calm periods, may shorten or be left out
completely, especially as the abuse intensifies over a period of time.
TENSION BUILDING -
-Tension starts and
steadily builds
-Abuser starts to
get angry
-Communication
breaks down
-Victim feels the need
to concede to the abuser
-Tension becomes too
much
-Victim feels uneasy
and a need to watch every move
INCIDENT or
"Acting Out" phase
-Any type of abuse
occurs
-Physical
-Sexual
-Emotional
HONEYMOON or
Reconciliation phase
-Abuser apologizes
for abuse, some beg forgiveness or show sorrows
-Abuser may promise
it will never happen again
-Blames victim for
provoking the abuse or denies abuse occurred
-Minimizing, denying
or claiming the abuse wasn't as bad as victim claims
CALM before the
tension starts again.
-Abuses slow or stop
-Abuser acts like
the abuse never happened
-Promises made
during honeymoon stage may be met
-Abuser may give
gifts to victim
-Victim believes or
wants to believe the abuse is over or the abuser will change
-(Often the cycle of
violence is portrayed as 3 steps: tension, acting out and honeymoon phases,
where the Honeymoon and Calm phase are seen as one.)
I'm fully aware that
this isn't something Loreli is purposely doing, it's her trauma speaking. If
you have a child with a trauma background then you may understand this cycle.
If you don't, then the whole idea of your child being abusive might seem a bit
unbeliLorelible. I understand. I have experienced it and it seems incredible to
me too.
One day recently, I
was thinking about my life with Loreli and the term, "walking on
eggshells" came to mind. I had a visceral reaction to that term so I
stopped and thought about it.
Walking on
eggshells...walking on eggshells...
Oh. The last time I
said that about something in my life was when I was married to my first
husband. That's when it clicked, the cycle of abuse. The Tension period where I
am just waiting for a meltdown to happen, where I am walking on eggshells and
trying like crazy to not set Loreli off.
The Acting Out
period where she would flip out and, more recently, looked like she was going
to hit me. The sheer fury in her eyes is scary and she occasionally swings her
arms around while she's yelling. It was escalating. The Honeymoon period where
she was sweet as pie, even if it was an affected sweetness, she would hug me,
be super helpful, do things she knew I would like. In my world the Honeymoon
and Calm periods were the same thing. Then it would start all over again.
So, on Tuesday when
she said, "No! And you can't make me!" It again set off a fear of the
cycle that I’ve experienced with Loreli since she’s been home and that I
experienced for 8 years with my first husband. The only reason it stopped in my
marriage was because I left. We've been experiencing this with Loreli for
nearly 5 years--even during the "good time" when Rayn came home 2
years ago. I might have continued on in that semi-good way forever if it hadn't
been for her abrupt change in behavior at the end of the school year. Since no
one is leaving this family, I'm stuck. There can be a lot of depression around
that. I'm stuck, with a child who is abusive, even if it is unintentionally.
But that's not true
is it? I have this Family InterventionProgram.
I have Brad, who is 100% on board. My family, even though they are far away,
are also 100% on board. I have training
about how to handle abuse now. How to deflect physical abuse. How to safely and
comfortably (for both of us) restrain a child who is being outright defiant and
out-of-control. I have the horses
who, when asked, give me answers and healing. I also have this amazing EGCM coaching program I'm part
of. I'm in a constant coaching position with Loreli, nearly 24/7. It's
exhausting but I'm learning so much.
So when talking to
my Mom this morning the full realization was: I can stop that abuse cycle now,
with Loreli, where I couldn't with my first husband. I'm not stuck. Dr.
Federici and Handle With Care recommends the passive restraint when a child is
being emotionally/physically abusive or defiant/out of control. I had hoped to
not do it. I still hope to not do it. I know it doesn't hurt, I've had it done
to me repeatedly (and I'm claustrophobic) and I restrained my partner in class.
Neither of us were hurt in the slightest and it wasn't scary at all.
I took the doctor's
advice and told the kids about it today. I showed Loreli what it was and what
it felt like and she giggled her way through it. I said, "Okay, now
pretend you're really mad." There must be a lot of mad simmering in there
because she had NO problem with that one. When she found she couldn't get loose
though I said, "What does that feel like to you?" She said,
"It's okay". Daniel piped up with, "Do me now!" So I showed
him the little kid modified version. They both kept saying, "Do it
again!" which I thought was pretty interesting. I asked again, "What
does it feel like to you?"
"Kind of like a
big hug." Huh. There are probably some sensory issues there...
We finally stopped
rolling around on the floor and I had them sit next to me. I explained when
this might be used. Hitting parents. They both looked properly horrified.
Outright defiance like saying, "NO! I won't! And you can't make me!"
I looked at Loreli and said, "Remember the other day when you said, ‘No! And
you can't make me!’?” Loreli looked at me in shock and said, "I SAID
that?"
Wow.
No wonder they call
this program "reality training". I've heard that if parents record
their kid in a meltdown and show it to them later when they are calm, the kid
doesn't recognize themselves in the recording. They deny that it's them. I
wonder, where do our kids go when they are in meltdown mode? Are they somewhere
else, stuck in the trauma that was inflicted on them?
I'll think about it
from my perspective. I had an abusive first marriage. Now, when Loreli triggers
me because she is treating me in a similar way that my first husband did, I
respond (unintentionally) in the way that I did back then. I withdraw. I try to
make peace. I allow it to happen.
It's taken me 5 LONG
YEARS to figure it out.
I can stop the
cycle.
Loreli is not my
ex-husband. She is a little girl who needs help, healing, love. I CAN do this.
In the process I start healing a hurt I thought I was over. In the process the
whole family heals.
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